A Pinhole of Light

Dear Lord,

I come to you broken. I come before you angry. I cry out to you a helpless person. I come to you on behalf of my brother. My brother, who is also broken. Angry. Lonely. My brother who asks, "why does God hate me?". I come to you on his behalf.
Trials in life are hard, Lord. Matt has had a very difficult, trying year. I know that pain and trials of faith are part of this life. I know that Job was extraordinary in dealing with all the things that were thrown his way. However, it is so hard to see your love from the deepest, darkest tunnel. It is hard to learn from the trials and tests when you never seem to surface in between them. It's difficult to sense something better when you are defeated and lacking self confidence.
I come before you Lord to ask that you bless Matt. That you take him in your arms and allow him to experience joy and happiness. That you send people into his life that are friends, who love him without conditions. Allow him companionship to combat his loneliness.
Lord, I don't know if I can offer this, but I am willing to take on any trials or pain in Matt's place. This thought was difficult for me, but I would rather allow Matt happiness and joy in his life instead of suffering and sadness.
Lord, more than anything I want Matt to find his purpose. I want him to be excited about life, instead of dreading it. Please Lord, shower him with your peace and joy.
In Your Most Holy and Precious Name I pray,
AMEN

To Matt: A song that has been going through my head for the past couple weeks makes sense now. Its a part of the chorus from a song on the new Third Day album. It goes:

There's a light at the end of the tunnel,
there's a light at the end of the tunnel,
For you, for you.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel,
Shining bright at the end of the tunnel,
For you, for you.

Keep holding on, Keep holding on.

I know, Matt, that this year has been a disappointment. I know that you are feeling unloved and angry. As cliche as it may sound, there truly is an end to this suffering somewhere. God does love you, even though you don't feel it right now. I will always be here for you to talk to or lean on. I don't live to far, come and visit. You are forever in my thoughts and prayers.

A Thankful Thanksgiving

This is the time to spend time with God to thank Him for all that he has done and is doing in your lives.

I am thankful for my friends who are like a second family to me. We have had a great time eating dinner, sharing stories, encouraging each other, and laughing at each other. I look forward to the time I get to spend with them every week.

I am thankful for my family. I have an amazing mom and dad, who are still married, and they serve as great role models in my life. I also have a fun family. We can always count on laughing when we get together. I have two great brothers who are always keeping me on my toes and keeping my comebacks up to date. I am truly blessed because of my family.

I am thankful for my wonderful hubby. He is sweet, and real, and honest. He doesn't always say what I want to hear, but he always keeps it real. He makes me laugh every day. I appreciate him for putting up with me. He is a great friend, family member, and husband.

I am thankful for my job. I love coming to school everyday knowing that not only will I have the opportunity to teach some wonderful boys, but I will also learn some amazing life lessons from them as well.

I am thankful that I live in a country where I am free to worship as I please.

I am thankful that Greg and I have the ability to support a child, through World Vision. His name is Thokoa, and he and his family could use all the prayers you could muster.

I am thankful that I am simply alive. I am alive because of an enormous self-denying sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. If it weren't for him I would be wandering through life, lost and alone. Now, I am never alone. I don't need to ever be afraid. And I can be sure that I will see Him one fine day.

Lesson of Pain

I have been presented with this a lot lately...

The opening act at Todd Agnew's concert was a woman named Joy Whitlock. In the program she had this to say about pain:

"...Pain is not working against us. It brings us closer to the one who knows pain better than anyone else...Jesus Christ. He understands and hurts right along with us. When we are persecuted, He is persecuted. When we cry, He cries. And when we laugh...He laughs too. He goes through life with us and in us. And our life struggles and heartache only remind us that we are not alone. It shows us of his love. It shows us that if we fall, He will fall with us."

Another reminder of how the pain in our life is used for good was an email my grandparents recently sent to me. It basically compared the little struggles and pains in our lives to the ingredients in a cake. Alone eggs, flour, and sugar aren't very appetizing. However, when combined, they are yummy. Likewise the pain in our life is confusing while we experience it. However, later, the pain is combined for good. It helps us to learn and redirect. God put everything together to work for His good. God's plan isn't to torture us or for us to be miserable. Oppositely he wants us to deal with the pain we encounter and still be joyful. The one quote that I loved from that email was:

God is crazy about you.
He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.
He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

He also sends us snow in November :)

I pray that God will help me use my painful experiences for good. That he would open my eyes to his ultimate plan for me. I do have a tough time with pain, and death, as you know.

Dealing With Death

I have a problem with death. I have a very difficult time even thinking that I will eventually lose someone close to me. I am blessed because no one in my family has died yet, but I know that it will eventually happen.
I went to a concert and the guy on stage was talking (Todd Agnew) about death. About how we want to hang on. The example he gave was of a single person saying that he didn't want to die until he was married. My hang up is that I didn't want to die until I became a mother. Then, however, he said something that really made sense.
What joy on earth could we experience that would be even close to the joy that we would feel in heaven? What we experience on earth is just a taste of the joy of heaven. We have just been given little glimpses into the excitement and happiness that we will feel with Jesus.
How could being a mother make me want to delay seeing Jesus? How could I even say, "Lord, I want to be with you, but I want to experience motherhood first" I am putting a condition on going to heaven. I realize now, that I do want to be a mother, but it is not a condition of my death.
I can't really understand, due to my limitations, what the joy in heaven would be like. What it would be like to feel no pain and to be happy constantly? How would I feel being in the presence of the creator? It's hard to say 'take me', but I do know that I will never experience something on earth that is greater than the joy in heaven.
Additionally, when I tell God to not take my family from me, I am again being selfish. I know that when they die, they will bathing in the glory of God in heaven. It will still be sad to see them go, but it will be reassuring to know that God is walking with them now, literally.
Death is a touchy subject for me, but I am beginning to understand that our journey on earth is just the beginning. Earth is not where we are meant to stay. Whenever you want to take me home Lord, I am ready.

Un-chained

I feel good. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Awhile ago I wrote about a ravenous addiction that I have. An addiction that controls my thoughts, my actions and even my moods. An addiction so strong that I go to bed thinking about it and wake up starving for it.
Finally, I am starting to take control again. Food has lost some of its power. It's not the fact that I am losing a little weight (2.8 lbs this week. Yahoo!), but the fact that I am now controlling my cravings instead of my cravings controlling me.
I wake up feeling good and I go to bed excited for tomorrow. My mid-day slump isn't as crippling. I am starting to get control of my eating habits and it is helping every aspect of my life.
It's not always easy. Greg takes care to eat too much junk in front of me, however I still want whatever he has. I still want greasy French fries and double cheeseburgers and gobs of ice cream. The only difference is that I am not always giving into what I want. I am not letting the desire overcome my will power. It feel good to have control over something so minor.
I forget what its like, sometimes, to have energy. Working out gives me great energy, I love the way I feel. Even the little aches and pains from not walking for months make me smile because I know I did something good for myself.

Sorry, I am sure all this self-love is making you sick. Just had to share the latest breakthrough.

Wanderer

Do you ever feel lost? Well, not lost really but, not found either.

I feel like I have wandered from the path--the path of righteousness. I get back on the path, but once I feel comfortable, I venture on my own. I walk around the 'woods' for awhile, and then I have no idea where the path is. If you know me, you know that I am no good with a map, and I am even more helpless with a compass.
I feel like I am just wandering. I am walking around in my own little world. I am only turning to look for God when I am stuck or bored or desperate. I call out to Him when I am frustrated, but not when I am content. I opened my bible for the first time in months, but only to look for verses or sayings to add to a future tattoo.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I can never have a continually good relationship with God. I am a bad weather friend instead of a fair weather friend. I call out to Him when things are messy or when an effort needs to be given-more than I want to produce. I am not willing to put in time to sustain a relationship. My marriage wouldn't survive if I just came home when I needed something, or when I was bored-even though Greg might like that.
I know that everyone has hills and valleys. I am just sharing my portion of my journey right now. I am not perfect. I don't do what I always should, and I don't try like I should.
The biggest problem is not that I am wandering, but that I am not unhappy with where I am. It is a problems that I don't have a great desire to change as of yet. That is why, I have concluded, that I experience pain. Pain is the only way that I come back to Him. What a lousy friend I am.

Community

Well, last night was fun, except that Joe and baby M didn't think they were invited. What dorks, I swear that I implied their invitation and I was talking about it in front of them. If only Jaycee could talk , I know that she would remember...

Dinner at the DeGloppers went well. We ate, talked, and shared life. That was the goal. It was fun, I think my hubby even enjoyed himself-except for Jaycee screaming all night, lol, well not all night. I had fun hanging out with people we don't get to see very often.

The weekend can't come quick enough. I am worn out this week. The kids were pretty wired from Halloween until Wednesday. Things are starting to go back to normal now, though. I am very much anticipating a relaxing weekend. I will sleep in, watch some tv, and work on my Christmas cards. It's kind of nice to not have any plans and not be running around with our heads cut off.

Today is my second day of weight watchers. I feel really good. I plan on walking tonight, hopefully the weather is nice and I can walk outside. I love fall walks with Gregory! I can't believe it is November! Thanksgiving is in a few weeks, and that is a whole other story...

Greg volunteered us to have Thanksgiving at our house, but I have never cooked a turkey before. AND I have never cooked for twelve people before! Oh, MY!

Hope everyone has a nice, relaxing weekend. I will definitely try.

Brain Freeze

Well, Halloween has come and gone. We had a good time at trunk-or-treat, even though I was secretly wishing I could have been home passing out candy and meeting a couple people in the neighborhood.
We start dinner at the DeGloppers on Thursday. I am excited to start, but my hubby is a little less ambitious. I know it will be a fun time to hang out with people. That's all I really have to say I guess. Pray for us. Pray for God to move. Even if we are just eating dinner.