Weird title, huh? I have been dealing with some weird revelations lately about myself...What follows isn't very poetic, or thought out. Its more ranting and a release of thought...Don't say I didn't warn you.
I get annoyed easily about some things and I have started to understand why. I don't know how to jump into it or how to explain it really though.
Let's just start, sorry if any of you get offended. I get annoyed that friends stop coming to church, but I found out its not because I am worried about their walk in Christ, but more like I am worried about mine. I have begun to understand that I get annoyed that they don't come because it affects how well I 'worship'. Let me explain some of what I have come to realize about my crazy life.
I realized in the mist of being annoyed that I seem to 'feed' off of other people's passion. I get excited and touched when I see other people enjoying worship. It seems to allow me to worship better, it makes me want to cry, and I thank God for what he is doing in other people's lives. It's kind of like the small animals that ride on larger animals backs. For the ride, the animals do some cleaning, which is actually beneficial to the larger host.
But my feeding off of others relationship with God isn't beneficial to anyone. It makes me rely on others to get my God experience when I am at church. It puts pressures on those around me to come to church and worship enough for the both of us.
I am sorry for that, I am sorry to those I have gotten annoyed with. It really isn't you, its me--and that is not just a cheesy line.
I need to find who I am when I worship. I need to come to God alone, not riding on the backs of others...
Do any of you (the two who read this blog) understand or have any comments. I am confused why I do this and how I can stop. Maybe at church tonight I will fight the urge to look around, and keep my eyes shut. I will visualize myself at the foot of God, alone. How would I act?
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5 comments:
well jenni,
I think that the title is great, perfect in fact. people feeding off each other, nice picture. Yet there is something positive to say for momentum. It's not bad. the throne in heaven is going to be surrounded by passionate folks singing together.
And i think that instead of finding your self for worship maybe you need to begin the journey of loosing yourself in Him. It's nice when others join you and it can even help to move us forward, but it shouldn't be the reason. God is worthy. He alone is worthy!
Craig said...
well jenni,
I think that the title is great, perfect in fact. people feeding off each other, nice picture. Yet there is something positive to say for momentum. It's not bad. the throne in heaven is going to be surrounded by passionate folks singing together.
And i think that instead of finding your self for worship maybe you need to begin the journey of loosing yourself in Him. It's nice when others join you and it can even help to move us forward, but it shouldn't be the reason. God is worthy. He alone is worthy!
8:58 PM
Thanks everyone for your comments and encouragement. I agree that worshiping with others is encouraging, and I agree that I don't want to lose the communal aspect of it.
I think that it is about God. I am worshiping him, not me or others. I need to keep the focus on God. I need to reflect on His awesomeness, his glory, and his mercy. If stop worrying about if others are raising their hands or if I am in key and think on God, then I think my worship will be much more meaningful...Thoughts to ponder....
Glad you could visit Mike!
I can totally relate to finding things out about yourself that you don't like....I hate that!
unfortunately, that happens too often...There are lots of things I would like to change that I don't like, but I will let God work his magic revealing one thing at a time.
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