It's hard sometimes to look at yourself and know truly who you are.
I have difficulty being true to myself in many situations. A few people really know who I am, however, many do not. Sometimes I don't even know who I am.
For some people I can put on the personality of a submissive, quiet, introverted person. For others my personality is loud, obnoxious, and somewhat offensive. For still others I am wounded, insecure, and fragile. In my mirror I see a girl who is a mix of all of these. I am loud and somewhat obnoxious. I am insecure and sometimes introverted. I am a wild, odd mix of all of these.
I have a hard time not changing who I am when I am with different groups of people. I get so disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I can't reveal the real me. That I am so insecure about people liking the real me.
In the same breath, however, I ask myself, "who are you really?" It's hard to show people the real me if I don't even know.
In my life, right now I feel like I am wandering. I am aimlessly pacing in between God and the world. I am ashamed to admit, but I don't know if I care enough to jump head first into a relationship with the Creator. How awful that must sound.
I wish I could just be a headstrong follower of Christ who doesn't change. Who isn't ashamed. Who is steadfast and consistent with her beliefs and practices no matter whose presence she is in.
I wish I could climb out of this hole I have dug myself into. I wish I felt something, either hate or love, towards this God of mine. I wish I cold run back and pledge my love again, but I can't because I know I will just run away again.
So I am here. A not-so committed, unsure, and lost person wishing I had enough guts to follow Christ the way I know I should.
3 comments:
That was honest.
and
we are all mixed bags Jen. No one ever lives for Jesus the way that we really should. we can all be better. What satan tries is to beat us into submission with ourselves. But that you, jennifer, that jennifer before Jesus has died and the new one lives. the new one is just finding it's legs and figuring out real life instead of fake life. we would never get down on a five year old for not driving a car the right way, so back off and trust the grace of God to do it's job in you. Yes do what you can and lean heavily on His mercy.
Have you ever thought about getting Baptized, as a new beginning???
a thought.
daddy
oh yea what is "this hole that you DUNG yourself into???
it must be a really stinky one!
hehehe
i fixed it. no more dung.
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