Well, he is gone. Matt, my brother (the older of my two younger brothers). He decided, in a whirlwind, that he was moving out to California for the winter and going to work and stay at a ski resort called Mammoth Mountain. It was really awkward to say good-bye yesterday. I have such mixed emotions about him leaving.

One part of me says, "He is young, not tied down, why not?" "Maybe he will have a good time then come home like he is supposed to in April." "Maybe he will meet a girl, fall in love, and they will move back here."

However, another part of me hates that he is gone. It is not like I saw him every day or talked to him every night, but we are still close. He calls me for advice sometimes and then in other instances I give him unsolicited advice-which he loves. We always laugh and tease and just have fun. This other part of me is saying "He is going to miss Christmas. He won't be here to meet his new nephew. He is abandoning us." OR "Maybe he will never come back. Maybe this is where he is going to live for years." Even though I really know this is just the selfish part of me. He isn't abandoning us. He is following his dream.

I pray that God is watching over him. That Matt is able to make good decisions and have fun at the same time. I pray that he is safe, not stupid, on the huge snowboard runs and in the terrain parks. I pray that my brother returns in one piece. RETURNS being the emphasized word.

I am already missing him, just knowing that he is thousands of miles away.

DOA

So I have come to the conclusion that blogs are kind of dead. I haven't had many visitors, and many others are not updating very often. Is the virtual world's appeal dying down? Maybe. I hope that instead, people are seeking out real people to talk to. Even better would be that others are turning to God instead of the faceless internet identities.
It was nice, though, just spilling. Since I didn't have a face to many people either, it did feel good once in awhile to empty myself. However, I think too many people are getting caught up in telling unknown persons instead of finding a real person to confide in. That is what your husband/boyfriend is for. That is what your parent(s) are for. That is what your best friend is for. We are hiding when we only tell the computer world our issues and then pretend to the real world that we don't have any. EVERYONE DOES!!
So instead of posting all the time I will be talking to my husband, dad, and friends. I will be praying. I hope you do the same!

Relationships

A while ago, I got a call at 6:30 a.m. It was my husband, who was supposed to be on his way to work. He had a flat, and the tire iron he needed was in the garage. I had to haul my soaking butt, fresh out of the shower, to the garage and then to the express way. It wasn't a big deal, he would have done the same for me. This situation got me thinking, though.
I love that God has blessed me with someone in my life that I can rely on. Not only that, but he is the one that I look forward to seeing to spill my guts about my day. I hold in my tears until I see him and he so gently wipes them up for me. It is just an amazing feeling to have this one person mean so much. What is also wonderful is that he can depend on me the same way I depend on him.
This baby is just kind of an expression of our love. It was the one way that you can tell the world that you want to be together forever. I am so blessed to be carrying a baby that we both had a part in making. I am so excited about sharing a family and seeing him interact with this little boy. God has been so good to us!
I thought that maybe the love would fade as the years go on, but you see couples that have been married for fifty plus years that are in more love than they have ever been. How wonderful! I am so glad that God allows us to share our lives with a special person here on earth.
Sorry about all the mushy stuff :)

Blue, Blue, Blue

I would like to introduce our little boy, due February 25th, Carson Matthew DeGlopper. Greg and I found out last night, after a painful ultrasound, that we are expecting a little baby boy. The ultrasound was only painful because I had to pee so bad :)

Currently I am 18 weeks. I haven't felt him move yet, but should soon. He was non-stop during the ultrasound, so we know he is moving around lots in there. I go Friday to my doctor for my 18 week appointment. As we find out more, I will post. Until then please continue to keep us in your prayers. Pray that Carson will grow well and be delivered safely. But most importantly, that Carson will grow in the love and grace of Jesus. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

HOLY COW!!

That title is not referring to me, it is referring to the quick way that time is passing. I am already 18 weeks along, and today is the day that Greg and I find out if this little bundle of joy is a girl or a boy.
I have to officially stop going to the bathroom at 2:10pm, then I have to drink 24 oz of fluids in 30 minutes, and then I have to hold it all until after the ultrasound! Oh Lord, I hope I can. Hopefully I don't pee on the table :)
So here goes nothing. I will post the results tomorrow. OH GOODNESS!! I am just so excited to see which sex God has chosen to bless us with.

Come to the Water

This weekend my hubby and I participated in a baptism service hosted by our church in Lake Huron. First of all, it was below 60 out, the wind was whipping, and the waves were churning. It was quite a night. However a little cold wasn't going to stop the eight participants who were planning on being baptized. Each had a different story. One a recovering alcoholic, one a rebellious adult, one a pastor. It was just so touching to see people wanting to make a statement that they were now choosing to follow Christ. Whatever their pasts, whatever burdens and baggage they once carried, they now were turning from sin and choosing Christ.
It was a great point in my life too. I had a different story from everyone as well. A church raised girl, I rebelled early against my parents and 'their religion'. It took me many years to start refocusing my life.
An amazing part about Sunday was that Greg was also baptized. He hadn't been baptized and it had always been a pretty sensitive subject with him. However, he finally chose to follow God's command and be baptized. It was a great moment to share with each other. It signaled that sin now has no dominion in our lives, and with a baby on the way, that is huge.
Another awesome part of Sunday was that my dad was the one who baptized Greg and I. It was cool to have him do that. I know he was there when I was a baby, but I have no memory of it. This, I will never forget.
A thought crossed my mind while I was in the frigid water. I wondered if the baby could feel the calm and peace that came over me at that moment. I know the baby won't remember, but maybe he/she was somehow comforted by the presence of God.

Back to the Grind

Here it is the end of summer, as I officially know it, and the start of another school year. Yesterday was hard. It was the first day with students, and I was given a true run for my money. I was beat after too. However, as the vacation is over, I also started to pick up the slack on my wifely duties. I cooked a yummy dinner when I got home, then I crashed. I napped for an hour then fell asleep for the night a few hours after.
Today was a little better, I felt more organized and prepared. The dynamics of my room this year are overwhelming. That coupled with my current prego status makes it more difficult. I can't do a lot of the things I was used to.
Enough about work, though. I will make it through. I have to. I hope everyone has a great week.

Loss

I recently recieved devestating news from a friend. The news made me utterly sad.

My friend was expecting a baby. She was actually only a week and one half behind me. We had plans for exercise classes and birthing classes together. It was an exciting time, but what made it even more exciting was the opportunity to share it with someone else.

I received a call yesterday morning that she had lost the baby.

I was broken. For the lost life. For the mourning parents. For all women and fathers who have had to experience this type of loss.

This one phone call reminded me yet again that we have so little control here on earth. We can eat right and exercise and still suffer a heart attack. We can wear our seatbelt and drive cautiously but still die in a car accident. We can celebrate and welcome a new life and lose it just as quickly.

If I didn't have a faith, this revelation would be depressing. However, I know that someone more powerful and wise is in control. Sometimes things happen that are difficult and sad. Why? The best answer I can give is that from our trials and losses God creates stronger, more faithful people. It is hard to think that the death of a child will make us stronger, but it will eventually.

I can't imagine the pain our friends are going through right now. I have a difficult time coming up with words to comfort them. I pray, though, that God will get them through this difficult time and allow them to concieve again.

Life Giving Water

Many people have different views on baptism. It could depend on the type of religion you were raised with. It could depend on many things...

I was baptized when I was one month old. This has always kind of conflicted me. I read in the bible that Jesus was baptized when he was an adult. Other adults in the bible were choosing to be baptized as a public profession of their faith. What the bible doesn't talk about directly is baptizing children. It does mention that whole families were baptized together, which may have included babies.
I have recently wondered if I could get baptized again. Just as a public profession of my desire to follow after Jesus. A public announcement that I have accepted Jesus' gift of salvation and grace.
I have had discussions with friends and family about this. I have gotten mixed reactions. One said that it seems like I am saying that my first baptism didn't count by getting baptized again. Others say that I need to choose to be baptized because it is a command of God, and my infant baptism wasn't my choice.
I don't think my message is that my first baptism didn't count. My message is that I am now choosing to follow God's command as an adult. I am choosing to show others that I want to submit my life before God. As an infant I didn't have that choice.
Therefore, I have every intention of getting baptized in Lake Huron on September 10th with my husband, who has never been baptized. This will be an amazing time for both of us!

I Am Trusting You

I had a rough night the other night... I had went four days without 'talking' to the john, but a long walk with my friend, Sarah, changed that. I came home and instantly brought up all my food from the day. I was pretty used to that, but it was what followed that had me scared silly.
I was awaken with a stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. It was severe. I had read about pain and cramping from your ever increasing insides, but I had never imagined it would be that terrifying.
I quietly snuck out of the room and sat on the couch, it was nearly 4am! Greg noticed I left, so he came out to see if I was okay. As soon as he sat I broke down. I was so scared. I was SO scared.
After I told him to go back to bed I realized, I have no control over this pregnancy. I have no control, other than managing my health, over the outcome of this pregnancy. It was scary to think that you can't do anything to stop a miscarriage.
I was comforted, though, by the realization that someone so powerful and loving did have control. My mantra that entire night, and every day since is "I am trusting you".
I am putting my hope and trust in God. I am trusting that he will allow this baby to develop and grow according to his will. I am trusting that he will ensure the birth of a healthy, beautiful baby in seven months. I am trusting that God is in control and he will do anything for this child. After all, he loves children.
So here I am again, faced with the humility that I have no control. But I am okay with that. I would rather have God driving.
He got me through that night, and he continues to get me through each day. The baby is fine, why wouldn't he be, he is in God's hands.

New Life

Well, I would rather be laying down at the moment due to my daily nausea and vomiting, but I really wanted to post the good news for the world to hear. If you haven't heard from my father yet, Greg and I are expecting a baby. Currently I am 6 weeks and five days. I am not very far along, but far enough to experience the side effects of crazy hormones and an 'alien life' inside of me.
Don't take all my complaining the wrong way. Greg and I are VERY EXCITED to become parents. We are already talking about room renovation and paint colors. We have a long time to plan because I am not due until February 24th.
It has been an interesting first experience with pregnancy for me. It doesn't seem real yet, because I don't have the belly. I am looking forward to the belly :) The one thing that makes it the most real is the constant nausea. The one thing that people keep telling me that keeps me optimistic is that if your have a good, strong pregnancy your hormones are off the wall, which will cause a constant state of nausea. So, I guess this pregnancy must be REALLY strong, lol.
Please keep us in your prayers for my health but most importantly the health of the baby. I am so pumped to share this experience with all of you.
Congrats also to Tina and Jessica!! I am glad I am not going through this alone :)

I Can't Forget

It tried to lull me with its gleaming surface.
It tried to pull me with its gentle sway.
It tried to soothe me with its soft white peaks.
I couldn't be lulled or soothed.
I couldn't admire its beauty.
I just couldn't forget.

These waters want to make you believe they are safe.
They aren't.
The water wants to allow you to relax in its gentle wake.
I can't.
The water wants you to get lost in its vivid blues.
I won't.
I just couldn't forget.

I couldn't betray my grandfather.
These waters robbed him of his breath.
These beautiful waters became his grave.
He loved these waters,
but my admiration is replaced with pain.

Every crest was a reminder of his face.
Every sway, a smile from his lips.
Every second on the water, a memory resurfaced.
I couldn't forget him.
He really did love these waters.

Maybe the answer is not to hate these waters.
Maybe it is okay if my hatred dissolves.
I can't help but to admire the waters grace.
I can't help but to be pulled into its beauty.
But it will forever be a reminder of that tragic day.

hot, Hot, HOT!!

Holy Lord, it is hot! Our normally cuddly and attention seeking cat is lying on his back, spread-eagled from heat stroke. Our house registered 86 degrees yesterday. Not outside, that was inside at about 9PM!

I am a cool loving person. I could live with mid-seventies and just a little, if any, humidity. My husband loves this stifling weather. He could be outside all day, while I would rather spend the day in front of a fan or, ideally, an air conditioner.

This weather isn't very conducive to learning either. Schools are quick to supply air conditioners for their offices and lounges, but are too cheap to allow air conditioners in classrooms. If I can't function in this heat, then I really can't expect my students to either.

Well, I think I will take a trip to my local housing store and price air conditioners. The only set back is my frugal husband.

Sorry about the complaining. I am sure that I would also be complaining if the weather was cold and crappy too. When will I ever be satisfied? :) Enjoy the heat!!

School's Out For Summer (Almost)

When I was young, I remember the hopeful anticipation of the last dismissal bell ringing for the school year. The excited chatter of thirty students squirming for the signal of freedom. The bell would ring and we would leap from our seats rushing for the door. Then there was that saying. What was it? "No more homework, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks" Or something like that. I was the one the teachers were giving dirty looks to, I'm sure.

Now I am on the other end of that. I am the teacher giving dirty looks :) The funny thing is, though, that the anticipation for the summer hasn't changed. I am just as much, if not more, looking forward to getting summer off.

This job has it's rewards, the small things that make it feel worthwhile. However, many days are so challenging. So much, that at the age of 24--inching toward 25--I have to go home and nap every day because I am emotionally and mentally spent.

Last year, the summer was a welcome break. This year it will be as well. And I am sure that I will look forward to coming back for another year of stress eating and naps. Summer is my favorite word right now. I really have no plans. No job. Nothing. There is something appealing about not having anything to do. About getting to sleep in a little. About not being stressed. About not being constantly busy. The best part is that I continue to get my paychecks even though I am not working.

I will try my hardest to continue to post throughout the summer, because really what else do I have to do? (Sorry I do have to rub it in a little) However, the thought of frustratingly slow internet is a turn off.

Yeah summer is almost here!!!

Stormy

A song that has really been speaking to my heart lately is the song that says

I will praise you in this storm
I will raise my hands....
Every tear I cry
you hold in your hands
I will praise you in this storm


I am terrified of storms, both literal figurative. I don't mind a small thunderstorm here and there, but the larger ones get me. Like the one on Mother's Day.

We were in Macomb and suddenly the wind turned and the sky grew very dark. The heavens opened up and God really displayed his power. It was a torrential downpour with bouts of hail. It was scary. Both my grandma and I said, "Maybe we should turn on the TV." Implying that there was probably a tornado warning and we should immediately seek shelter in the basement. I have always feared real storms.

However, this song is not about real thunderstorms. The song refers to figurative storms. Be it life storms that occur regularly in our lives. Like endless meetings, workplace conflict, spousal fights; just to name a few. Or, it could be life-altering, torrential storms with hail and tornadoes. Like a death. A divorce. An injury. And so on. These torrential life storms are often the most difficult to weather.

Most of the time, when I am in these storms I become angry with God. I turn my back on him. Ask Him why he wants to make my life miserable. This most recent storm I have been hit with is different.

The loss of my grandpa wasn't expected. It wasn't like he just went to sleep one night and didn't wake up--it was painful, for him. It wasn't easy, for his family. Normally I would be pissed. However, I felt a different emotion this time. I felt at peace. I still felt devastated at his quick exit from our lives. I felt heartbroken for my grieving grandma. I felt helpless. But among all these familiar feelings, I felt a new one, I felt peace.

Now I know what this song means. I know what praising God through a storm means. It means putting aside your anger and hurt and crying out to God. It means seeking his face through the pain. I did. I couldn't have felt better when I made that choice. I couldn't feel better now.

I praise God for the memories of my grandfather and for the 24 years that I have known him. I praise God for trials, because without them I couldn't be the person he is trying to mold me into being.

Appreciation

Long, sunny, warm days. I love them. We always spend lots of time outside. The only time we were inside yesterday was to cook and eat, and then after ten to relax and go to bed.

Greg and I spent lots of time together too. We played basketball, set up and took pictures of our flowers, went to the high school track to walk/run, and then rollerbladed with our friends. It was a fun-filled, calorie burning day. It is always fun to get away from sitting on the couch all winter.

I have developed a new appreciation for Greg. Not only from bad examples around me (failed marriages) but from my grandfather's relationship to my grandma. You never know how long, or short, your time will be together, so you really have to take advantage of the time you do have. Even if you are doing something that you don't want to do, like playing basketball, you can still find some joy it. Like fouling just to touch :) or making your own rules--my rule last night was no running our game was exhaustion-free.

Even a little time together is priceless when you don't know how long you have, and when you don't act like you have forever. Take time to laugh and love. I truly love my hubby and would be forever lost without him.

Broken

I have recently went through the most difficult time in my life. My grandfather died last Saturday in a fishing accident. It was unexpected. It was tragic. It was devastating. I have been up north with my grandma and family pushing though this tough time. Something stuck with me though.

The priest, at the funeral, made an unforgettable analogy. He talked about being pregnant. About how the mom and dad-to-be do everything in their power to prepare for the baby. They take classes, read books, and even pack their bags for the day they know will soon come. It would be foolish, he remarked, to pretend that the birth would never come. To live like the baby would never be born. To never prepare. He compared this to us preparing for our deaths. So many of us, including me, don't like to think about our deaths. We pretend that it never will come. Like the expecting parents who don't prepare, we are foolish to not prepare for our deaths.

I am one of these people. I hate to even think about dying, or those I love dying. But the priest was right, I am foolish for ignoring the fact that some day I will die. My time here on earth is significantly shorter than the time I will spend in the afterlife. I need to prepare to spend eternity in heaven.

My grandfather was. He was preparing to spend his eternity in heaven. The last story he told us was on Easter. When he told it he was so happy. He was so excited about Jesus. He had found a new love for Christ that had grown to immense proportions within the last ten years. This story was about how he went fishing off the pier near his home in Mikado. He was struck by the beauty of the scenery and reminded of a story in the bible. The story of a few fisherman who couldn't catch anything. Then this guy named Jesus told them to try again. To put their nets back into the water. They thought, we haven't caught anything all day, but why not?. They put their nets in and immediately caught more fish than the boat could hold. Papa started to pray when he remembered the story. He thanked God for everything that he has been blessed with. Then Papa put his line in once. Took it out and put it in again. On the second cast he caught a huge trout. Dodie, my Grandma, cooked it up that night. They both agreed it was the best fish they ever had.

My grandpa wasn't always a God-fearing man. He was rough and somewhat mean. He cared most about material things. Then he re-discovered Jesus. He was child-like in his faith. He was so excited. He was so in love. He was so trusting. He was preparing, even if unconsciously, for the afterlife.

I too need to take time to better prepare to secure a spot in heaven. I need to live like Jesus, not just say I love Him but prove it. I need to accept that his sacrifice is good enough, not try to make up for my wrongs. I need to have a childlike faith.

I am saddened that it took an event this tragic to break me. I had to be broken. God knew. I knew. I was afraid to ask to be broken, because I knew it would have to be bad. It would have to be painful. It was, it is the worst pain I have ever experienced. If I can take one thing away from this, though, it is that I have to have a childlike faith like my grandpa.

No time is best for death. No matter when people leave this earth we will be sad. We will miss them. However, if there is a better time, this would have been it for my grandpa. He was living love. He was showing the world Jesus through his actions. He accepted Christ's sacrifice.

I miss you Papa. But I know that you are teaching the angels how to fish right now. And you are telling your hilarious jokes making Jesus laugh. I hope to see you in heaven.

Not Afraid

I am afraid of many things. One of my biggest fears is someone breaking into the house and hurting either my husband or me. I am leary of spiders. I am not a fan of severe thunderstorms, even though little ones are okay. I am not fond of the dark, when I am alone.

I could probably go on for awhile. I am freakishly strange when it comes to thinking of awful things that could happen to me or my family.

However, I do not fear the most important thing, God. I don't often have nightmares about the wrath of God or his punishment. I don't daydream about his absence. This is just not on the forefront of my mind.

Our pastor talked about this at church a couple of weeks ago. About how Christians no longer fear God. We don't think about his rage or jealousy. We just focus on his love and mercy--which we need to think about too, because without these we wouldn't have any hope.

We need to be reminded, however, that God is big and powerful and we are either for Him or against Him. I don't think I want to take on a force like that. Fear is not only being afraid though. It is respect. It is reverence. It is humility. It is submission.

I think I could continue to work on alleviating my fear of thunderstorms, but I also need to work on developing a fear of God.

Dual

Two subjects in this post :)

Cats---Tigger is our cute kitty. I now, however, understand the phrase "curiosity killed the cat". Cats are endlessly curious. Our cat loves bags and boxes, anything he can get into. He was playing with a hobby lobby bag I had left in the living room on Saturday. Note: the bag had contents, it wasn't heavy but did have a box inside. He put his head through the handle and was spooked by me sticking my head into the room and saying something to Greg. He proceeded--with the bag around his neck--to run behind the couch and under the dining room table. Then, he ran under a chair. The bag became lodged between the legs of the chair and Tigger kept going. Greg and I were on the floor rolling at the humorous sight. However, a couple of minutes later Tigger curled into a ball and started crying very loudly. I had never heard him sound like this; it really broke my heart--he is our child :) We thought he broke his front paw, but it just ended up being scraped on a couple of pads. It was really sad. It was cute, though, to see Greg take care of him. Always thinking fatherhood ;)

Email--I recently received an email that was an excerpt from a interview with Rick Warren. He said some really thought-provoking things, so I pasted some of the interview below. Let me know what you think.

People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell,
life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God
wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and
that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of
years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal.

God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We
were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't
going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming
out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than
your comfort.

God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your
life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the
goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

The part that hit me the most was the section I italicized, God is more interested in your character than comfort. WOW! When I was little I always pleaded with God to make things easier for my parents. It seemed like there were constant issues with money. Always needing it and never having it. I became angry as I got older. Pleading with God. Saying "he works for you. He does your work. Why can't they ever have it a little easy?" The answer, now, is clear. God wasn't intending for us to be comfortable. For us to lay back and enjoy the ride while on earth. That is why Christianity shouldn't be simple. It shouldn't be easy. So I ask myself, if things are simple for me now, am I on the right path with God? Honestly, probably not, for me. Yes I am allowed a little happiness, like he said, but am I growing in Christ's likeness? Christ wasn't very comfortable on earth.

Home Again

Greg is back from his Mexican Adventures. He was sick the entire time! He started getting a sinus infection on the way down. He would call me a couple times each day and he sounded so pitiful. Then, on the way home, he was throwing up. He came home on a Sunday and was throwing up. So much for the big homecoming I had hoped for ;)

Turns out I know why I gain weight. His first name starts with a G and ends with a g. Seriously. When he was gone, I didn't lay around the house. I kept it clean. I worked out. I cooked all my meals. Now he is home and there isn't an hour I am not on the couch. The house is a disaster. He suggests fast food all the time. He wants sweets more than I do. So, I will place the blame on him.

It is nice to have him home again. I love being married. I am not cut out for the dating scene. I wouldn't want to scour the ends of the earth, including many bars, for the last good guy. No offense to those who do that, but I don't think that I could... I love coming home to someone. I love having someone to talk to about big things and little things. I love having someone to cuddle up with at the end of a busy day--Tigger was a good stand in for ten days though.

I have been a slacker with my reading-like everything else. I am going to get back into it, though. I will update about it when I do.

The most exciting thing for me right now, is that next year Greg and I are planning on going to Mexico, the Mayan Riviera. I am very excited. It will push us to spend wisely and take better care of ourselves. It is sad that only something like that will force us to re-evaluate...

Hope all is well with everyone else. Drop me a note--let me know you are out there :)

On My Own

Well, Greg has been gone for six days now. He will still be gone for four more days. For the first time in my life, I am on my own. Think about it...I moved out when I was 21, but I was married. Greg and I have lived in a couple of different places together, but I have never lived alone.

At first I was devastated. It was hard saying goodbye. However, then I was excited because I could have fun and not have to worry about getting home. Then I was lonely. I realized how much I took Greg being at home for granted. He is someone to talk to about little, silly things. He is someone to just cuddle with and not have to say anything at all. He is someone who is my rock and strength when I need uplifting. He is someone who cheers me up when I am down. He is someone who makes me laugh. All these little things, I missed immediately, and still do.

I am excited he took the opportunity to go to Mexico. I am excited he is thrilled to be there, and that he is an example of God's love to others. I am excited he is following God's command, love the least of these.

However, I miss him. I talk to him every night with mixed emotions. Wanting him home. Wanting him to have a great time there. Wanting him to experience God. Either way, I am counting the days to when he gets home.

Bread Crumbs

This book I am reading, God Chasers, is amazing. I was so pumped up by just reading the introduction.

I have learned that I am not alone. I am not the only one in the world who feels empty even after going to church. I am not the only one who feels like the church is not doing what it supposed to be doing. I am not the only one who wants more.

These people, says T.Tenny, are called God chasers. God chasers don't want to know more about God, they just want to know God more. The bible is a nice image of where God was, but we want to know where God is now. We want to see what he is doing in our time.

The latest chapter that I have read dealt with being satisfied with 'bread crumbs', or little bits of God's presence. Largely, the church has become satisfied with how God has worked in the past or the little ways He is working instead of seeking more of His presence. More of His face.

I find myself compelled to know how to do this. How do I seek Him, how do I find more of Him, how do I catch Him? Right now, the only answer that has been revealed is repentance. Additionally, the author said we can't really catch God, but we can capture His heart. If we are motivated into action by trying to seek God's heart we are motivated for the right reasons. Does what I do capture His heart? Not currently.

The author challenges the reader to stop living the life they are living. To watch different TV shows and to read different books, and to spend more time with God than both of the other things combined. I tried. I was more conscious of what I watched this weekend and how I talked. I spent time in this book and in the word instead of playing my new video game. My motivation? I want to capture the heart of God! What a thought!

An Escape Route

I heard a song the other night that I really hadn't paid attention to in the past. It was blaring from a WOW CD in my car. I couldn't help but wonder what it meant... The singer was begging, in the song's chorus, for God to be his escape.

I wondered if that is how it should be. I know that God can and has rescued us, but is that how our relationship should be? A rescuer and a victim? I don't think so.

I guess when I heard that song, I felt more like if your relationship was like that, then God was almost like your back-up plan. Just like how robbers have a plan A and if that doesn't go right, then they will fall back on their plan B. I know that is not how God wants our relationship to be with him. I know that he doesn't want us to just walk through life alone, and then when we get 'ran over' call out for him.

I am humbled to say, though, that is the way my relationship seems to be most of the time. When things are coming up daisies, God is further from my mind than when I am stuck in the mud.

I am learned enough to know that God wants a relationship despite the state of our lives on earth. We need to draw closer even when we aren't suffering. Praise him when things are amazing and when things are awful. I am speaking to myself more than anyone.

Reading for the Soul

This weekend my hubby and I rearranged our spare room too add a piece of furniture, a bookshelf, and take another out to use in the basement. We came across a lot of things that we either needed to toss or that needed to be returned to their original owners-oops!
I found a book that I am going to start reading. It was my dad's that I am sure he loaned out to me forever ago. It is called God Chasers. I am excited to read it because that is what I am not doing right now. I am walking on other paths trying to avoid him for the time being. I realize I should be running after him, but I am running away.
I am hoping this book will be inspiring and speak to my heart. I normally only read fiction books. However, I realize the need to read something that will help me out, not only allow me to escape. Ask me how the reading is going. Hopefully I will start soon.

The Face in the Mirror

It's hard sometimes to look at yourself and know truly who you are.

I have difficulty being true to myself in many situations. A few people really know who I am, however, many do not. Sometimes I don't even know who I am.

For some people I can put on the personality of a submissive, quiet, introverted person. For others my personality is loud, obnoxious, and somewhat offensive. For still others I am wounded, insecure, and fragile. In my mirror I see a girl who is a mix of all of these. I am loud and somewhat obnoxious. I am insecure and sometimes introverted. I am a wild, odd mix of all of these.

I have a hard time not changing who I am when I am with different groups of people. I get so disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I can't reveal the real me. That I am so insecure about people liking the real me.

In the same breath, however, I ask myself, "who are you really?" It's hard to show people the real me if I don't even know.

In my life, right now I feel like I am wandering. I am aimlessly pacing in between God and the world. I am ashamed to admit, but I don't know if I care enough to jump head first into a relationship with the Creator. How awful that must sound.

I wish I could just be a headstrong follower of Christ who doesn't change. Who isn't ashamed. Who is steadfast and consistent with her beliefs and practices no matter whose presence she is in.

I wish I could climb out of this hole I have dug myself into. I wish I felt something, either hate or love, towards this God of mine. I wish I cold run back and pledge my love again, but I can't because I know I will just run away again.

So I am here. A not-so committed, unsure, and lost person wishing I had enough guts to follow Christ the way I know I should.

Welcome the Newest DeGlopper

I am not a cat person. Lately, though, I have been asking for anything. A cat. A dog. A baby. It was always no. Nothing. Just Greg and I. Until...
Greg called me Friday around three while I was at school. He said, "I know this is probably a stupid question, but do you want a cat?"
The back story- Someone from Greg's work needed to get rid of their cat. He wasn't getting along with their other cat, and they wanted to get a dog in the summer. He is neutered, declawed, and trained. He is already named Tigger, and knows it too well for us to change it. The best part: they were going to give him to us for free.
I was so excited! I had a million questions. I wanted to see him first. We went to see him that night. He immediately came up to us and wanted his belly rubbed-odd for a cat.
So I was in love. I had to have him. We went out, bought all his things, and brought him home that night.
He adjusted well. He is very cuddly and loves attention.
The thing is, though, it is like we now have a kid in the house. We have to watch to make sure he isn't getting into my plants-again. Greg takes care of the discipline, and I am more the care-giver. I give him his food and water and special treats. Honestly, this cat has taken away the urgency I felt to have a baby. I know babies aren't this easy, but it is a way for us to care for something else and have a responsibility for something else together. It is funny to hear Greg talk to the cat and refer to me as Mommy. I like it.
I also like the welcome home meows and the purring wake-up calls. It is fun to have something else in the house to share our love with. Tigger is making me a cat person!

The Big Picture

Well, it is finished! The picture is of our finished kitchen. It took a full week, six different kinds of paint, many man hours, and some tears. I love the new look and the new feel when I walk into my redecorated kitchen. I think that we managed to take the shock factor away from our bright orange counter tops (you might not agree :)
Throughout the process of redecorating, however, there were many times I wasn't sure I liked what I saw. At one point, I had even told Greg that I hated it. I did, at that moment. I hated the orange. I hated the yellow. I hated the white moldings. I hated how it all went together.
I feel in life, we are sometimes like that. We are quick to judge, many different things and/or events, just from a few pieces of the puzzle. If my life is going smoothly I will say "I love my life", but if my life has taken a turn onto some hard times I shout "I hate my life".
I wonder if God, even though he knows the end result, I wonder if he throws up his hands in frustration. He knows the end, but I am sure that at times, numerous times for me, he is angry, sad, and jealous.
I think, for me especially, that I need to look more toward the future. That I need to stop making snap judgments and wallowing in the present. For example when I was crying about how much I hated the kitchen a few days into the painting. I also am known to cry for other reasons when I am wallowing in self-pity.
I know I wasn't promised an easy life on earth. I also know that this isn't all there is for me. There is a perfect life planned for me in heaven. For all eternity.
Just like I love the end result of my kitchen, even though the process wasn't easy; I will be joyous in heaven, even though life on earth is hard.

Spell it Out

I wish that God gave us a life instruction manual. Something that allowed us to understand better how to deal with this life that we have been dealt. Some problems we encounter are brought on by our choices, while others just seem to fall on our laps, unwanted.

I wish that there was something that said if this happened to you check page four for the answer. I know there is the bible. But when you read only when you are in pain, you often twist the meaning to accommodate your problems.

We live complex lives in a mean, competitive world. The answers are never easy. The problems I encounter are never the exact replica of your problems. An answer to my problem may not be the same solution for yours.

I know that some people reading this would say, " there is an answer, Jesus! HE is the answer to all our problems." Which is true. When there is sorrow, he offers joy. When there is death, he offers life. We can use his example to get us though life. We can call on his name in both good times and bad. He is a source of comfort and peace. However, I am one of those people who likes things spelled out for me. The bible needs a section that says if your husband is unfaithful these are the steps to follow if you want to reconcile, or follow these steps to get a divorce. Or it needs a section for how to repair damaged relationships. If your relationship is failing do this to repair it. That would be much easier.

This seems like a season for broken relationships. Not mine, but of many people around me. It makes me sad. People who you have looked up to as a great example of love and faithfulness are getting divorced. People who thought they were secure in love, feel cheated and lost because of love.

My prayer is that you take the time to mend relationships that have been hurt. Look to Jesus as an example of unconditional love.

I love when it is sunny. The hint of a morning sun instantly picks up my spirits. After a couple weeks of gloominess, the sun is a welcome interruption.
There are so many things out there that we allow to affect our moods. The weather. Friends. Work. Health. Amount of sleep. Circumstances. What we ate last night. We allow outside things to influence our internal feelings. We allow these things to make us mad. To make us sad. Or to depress us. Its so easy.
It is also easier for us to say "the sun didn't come out today, so I am sad. It is gloomy outside, so I feel depressed." It is so much more difficult to conquer the feelings that outside sources might suggest to us. It is much more difficult to overcome those ideas and actually decide to smile or to feel joy.
So often we allow ourselves to be influenced by these unimportant issues that we forget who should be the biggest influence in our lives. He is just kind of on the sideline as we go through our depressed state. We forget to look toward him to give us the joy that is for whatever reason missing from our lives at that moment.
However funny it sounds, though, the sunshine reminds me to praise him. To live love. To be thankful.
As I drove the six minutes to school this morning, the sun was just starting to rise. It made me smile. I popped in my old Matt Redman- Facedown- CD and sang the whole way to school. What a great way to start off my day. It put me into the right attitude.
The sun doesn't shine all the time in Michigan, though. I need to let God be the 'sunshine' in my life. I need to wake up praising him even when it is cloudy. Or when I am having problems at work. Or when I ate a banana split last night. Or when my hubby is crabby with me. I need to stop allowing these outside, less important issues cloud my relationship with God. I have a long way to go.

Traditions

I am normally one who shies away from traditions. Especially ones that are found in the church. However, there are some great things about traditions that I have recently encountered. Traditions are there to pass things along from one generation to another. We are able to experience what past generations did through following their traditions.

I think that was the best thing about this break. Traditions. Following old ones and making new ones.

My favorite old tradition occurs on Christmas Eve. (dad, how long has this been going on?) I think I have been at Nana and Popa's for all 24 years of my life, at least. We go to my dad's family late on Christmas Eve. We eat appetizers, drink wine, and talk. We exchange gifts. We talk more. I love it. We stay late into the night-well, really, we stay early into Christmas morning-spending quality time with our family. Family that we really don't see that often throughout the year.

My favorite new tradition, that is only in its third year, is going to my parents on Christmas morning. We go, still in our jammies, exchange gifts, and eat breakfast. It is always a big event for my dad, who is a good cook. He went above and beyond this year by making stuffed French toast topped with blueberries, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, grapefruit, and mimosas--mom helped too; she would be mad if I left her efforts unnoticed. It is great to spend that time with my parents and brothers. It is always a fun thing to do. This year we even had enough time to stay and watch some of Matt's Family Guy season 1, and take a nap.

This break was refreshing. I would be lying, however, if I said that I wasn't looking forward to returning to work. I was excited to see how my students' vacations went. I really enjoyed spending a lot of time with my hubby. Thank God, however, that we both had job to return to, because if we were home together every minute of each day all the time, we would definitely kill each other. Too much of a good thing is just that, TOO much!