Insane in the Membrane

I seriously have a problem. I am the most screwed up person I know.

I try to screw up every blessing in my life. I take my blessings and turn them into negatives. Instead of saying "Thanks God!" I say, "Its not good enough" or "It won't last".

I don't know why these thoughts are constantly assaulting me. They disturb my life, they corrupt my thankfulness, and they hurt my relationships. Most of the time, I can stop the thoughts in their tracks, and dismiss them as stupid insecurities. However, sometimes, when I am broken, I am too tired or too weak to stop them. They affect my life and those around me when I let them get to me.

I have been such a bitch to my husband--sorry about the word, but it perfectly describes my behavior. I have been nagging about how he isn't good enough, or how he doesn't try enough, or how he doesn't do enough to show me he cares--which isn't true. He is one of the sweetest, most caring men that I know. Why do I try to make the good bad and turn his love into hate? When I am yelling, I make myself out to be the best wife ever with a horrible husband, but really, what good wife bitches at her husband 24/7.

I went to bed after he did last night. I knew I was hurting him. I knew I was hurting us. I knew I had to apologize. I had pulled away from him all night because he said something with the wrong tone. I laid there, without touching him for awhile. I wanted to just put my arm around him and apologize, but again, thoughts were running through my head "why should I apologize, I didn't do anything wrong, he owes me" I knew these things thoughts weren't correct, loving, or of God. I finally moved toward him and kissed him. I said I was sorry, and to my surprise he pulled toward him and kissed me back he said it was okay. I knew it wasn't. I know it will most likely happen again. Next time, though, I want to be aware of what's going on. Oh God, I need help. I need to fight these thoughts that are destroying me and my attitude.