I have been thinking this weekend...

If we want the goal of the church to be community, then why do we expect people to come out to our out-of-the way buildings? Four churches in the area are having trunk or treat at their churches. We have done it with our church for the last couple years, and we are doing it this year. However, I was thinking yesterday. If we are all supposed to be billboards for Christ, how are we going to show God's love to other people if we are all gathered as a group? We have recognized the need to get into the community and shine for Christ. I should be at home handing out candy to the children of the community. I should be getting to know my neighbors. I should be in my own neighborhood. I shouldn't be at church, expecting people to come to us. I shouldn't be secluded with other Christians. I need to integrate. Maybe this trunk or treat idea isn't such a good one. We need to be beacons in our own communities, where the people already are.

Deeper

OK, I am over my little fit from the last post. It helps so much to just get things out of your system.

I am in a strange mood today. Not happy, not sad, not mad, not glad. Just kind of here, kind of staying afloat. I don't like when men say "must be that time of the month", but truly there is nothing else I can think of that would put me in this gray mood.

I am really excited, but not right now because everything is blah at the moment, about starting up a house church. In the beginning, we are just going to eat together. We need to get to know each other and hang out. I am excited to see people that I haven't seen in awhile. Eating and praying together brings people closer. I am pumped to see how God will work with and in the group. I am desperate for deeper relationships. I am desperate for a deeper relationship with God. My effort has become null and void lately. I don't know when the last time I picked up my bible was. I don't even remember the last time I prayed. Most likely it was when I was really thinking about starting a house church...
I hope that people want a deeper relationship with each other and with God as much as I do. The biggest worry about this is people's desire to commit. One night a week doesn't seem like a big deal, but life gets in the way. People who come need to be able to commit one night, no matter what life sends their way. I am ready for this.

God please help us. Help us love each other. Help us spend more time focused on you.

Grown Up

Sometimes I get upset when I am still treated like a child. I am not old, however, I am not young either-well in my eyes. I feel like that I always have to prove that I am an adult because people look at me and think I am a kid. So if I am a 'kid' in their eyes, then I must also act like one too.

My pet peeves:
I HATE getting carded. I get carded for stupid things like fuel injection cleaner, white out, and rated R movies. I think I look older than 18.
I HATE when people think I am still a child. They look at me and think I am not responsible and careful. I am, and I would never do anything stupid to hurt anyone, especially family. I feel like, even though I am 24 and married and a teacher, that people expect me to fail. They need to talk to me like I am five and then second guess everything I say.
Sorry I needed to vent. This is kind of vague. I didn't write this to hurt anyone, but to get my feelings out.
I'm out.
When I think of something else I will write again.

Unmasked

I haven't had any deep thoughts lately. I have kind of just been a blank slate...

Its weird when you think about it. I graduated from high school in 1999. It has been just over 6 years since I was there. Honestly, I don't miss many people. I don't have a desire to see many of the people I was friends with. Looking back, I know those 'friendships' were false. I tried to be the person they wanted me to be, but I really wasn't that person. It took me meeting Greg to see that I didn't need to put up a facade. They funny thing, to me, is that I have a desire to talk to the people that I never really did know in high school-and to those I got to know my senior year. I see a person that I barely knew, but I am so interested in finding out about them. Because I had my head stuck up my butt in high school, I am sure that I missed out on a lot of great friendships. I can't go back and change; however, I can change the way I act now. I try and think about how I treat people. I try to think about what I say and how it will be taken before I say it. Sometimes, the filter is broken, and I screw up. But I am trying. I really cherish the friendships I have now. I have never had girlfriends like I do now. I have never been 'friends' with a guy and not wanted something more. Maturity is golden. I don't mind aging. With age comes wisdom. I like to be wise.

Week Update

It has been a good week so far. My husband and I spent a great weekend together. He even got me a pot of flowers for sweetest day. Being the wonderful wife that I am, I forgot.
I underestimate him sometimes. Its funny to hear him talk about what he discusses at work. Most of the time, it has to do with me. The woman at his work, if I run into them, say how much he talks about me and how much he is in love with me. I have a great husband. I need to realize how much God has blessed me by putting him into my life.

This week has also been very rewarding at work. I love my job, my students, and my paraprofessionals.

I just seem to be in a strangely upbeat mood this week. I think it helped to put my problems out there and have people reassure me, yell at me, and make fun of me. Thanks guys.

Greg and I spent all night painting our house. It will be in great shape in no time. It will be a great meeting place for a house church. I am very excited, but I am waiting to meet with JOE and dad. Slackers! Set up a meeting. I would like to talk before we dive into this.

I am getting a major baby itch. I want to be a mom. I love the thought of sharing in the making of a new life. God is responsible, but we supply the "ingredients". It seems like my hubby is coming around too. I will be bursting when he finally says "I am ready!" I am not so patiently awaiting that. Until then I will just have to spend more time with the babies that are already in my life. Jaycey and Hayden, they are very precious.

I am supposed to be starting Weight Watchers in two weeks. Pray for me! I have the weakest will power that I know of. I will be struggling, but there is a great reward at the end of the tunnel. My goal is to lose twenty pounds before I get pregnant! Here I come motherhood!

Thanks all for your love and support. I love that I can share my daily life with you via the internet.

Insane in the Membrane

I seriously have a problem. I am the most screwed up person I know.

I try to screw up every blessing in my life. I take my blessings and turn them into negatives. Instead of saying "Thanks God!" I say, "Its not good enough" or "It won't last".

I don't know why these thoughts are constantly assaulting me. They disturb my life, they corrupt my thankfulness, and they hurt my relationships. Most of the time, I can stop the thoughts in their tracks, and dismiss them as stupid insecurities. However, sometimes, when I am broken, I am too tired or too weak to stop them. They affect my life and those around me when I let them get to me.

I have been such a bitch to my husband--sorry about the word, but it perfectly describes my behavior. I have been nagging about how he isn't good enough, or how he doesn't try enough, or how he doesn't do enough to show me he cares--which isn't true. He is one of the sweetest, most caring men that I know. Why do I try to make the good bad and turn his love into hate? When I am yelling, I make myself out to be the best wife ever with a horrible husband, but really, what good wife bitches at her husband 24/7.

I went to bed after he did last night. I knew I was hurting him. I knew I was hurting us. I knew I had to apologize. I had pulled away from him all night because he said something with the wrong tone. I laid there, without touching him for awhile. I wanted to just put my arm around him and apologize, but again, thoughts were running through my head "why should I apologize, I didn't do anything wrong, he owes me" I knew these things thoughts weren't correct, loving, or of God. I finally moved toward him and kissed him. I said I was sorry, and to my surprise he pulled toward him and kissed me back he said it was okay. I knew it wasn't. I know it will most likely happen again. Next time, though, I want to be aware of what's going on. Oh God, I need help. I need to fight these thoughts that are destroying me and my attitude.

Worthwhile

I have written alot about how stressful my job is, which it is. However, once in awhile there is a ray of light that fades out the dark spots.

Once in awhile I feel like I have won the lottery. Or like I have ran a 2000K ran and won. I feel like a proud mother watching her child walk for the first time.

I love these moments. The moments that make all the stress and tears worthwhile.

I experienced a couple of these moments very recently. This is why I teach children with disabilities.

The first ray of brilliant light was brought on by a student who was so proud of his recent accomplishments that he ran up to me and hugged me and kissed my cheek.

The second ray of blinding light came from a teary-eyed mom who was proud of her child's accomplishments. She was worried he might not accomplish much because of the severity of his impairment, but she was gladly wrong.

This job is stressful, however it has unbelievable rewards. Even though, at times, I might claim to hate it, I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

Kinda Corney

Yes this is slightly corney, so don't take it seriously. But if your don't fill it out I will hunt you down. Just be kind...

DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!!

1. Who are you, what's our relationship?
2. How long have you known me?
3. Tell me one thing you think is good about me?
4. When you first saw me, what was your impression?
5. Have you ever had a crush on me?
6. Describe me in 3 words?
7. Do you think I'm hott?
8. How would you describe me to someone?
9. Would you ever date me? If you have would u do it again?
10. What do you like most about me?
11. If we could spend a day together what would we do?
12. Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years?
13. What reminds you of me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Are you going to put this on your lj and see what I say about you?
16. Do I cross your mind at least once a day?

Pumped!

I am so excited right now! I have been brainstorming, looking at other people's websites, and conversing with others. Feel free to add any comments/concerns/questions.
I have a vision. The vision is of a community of believers. This community gets together, hangs out, prays together, worships together, eats meals together, volunteers around their city, and on and on. I have a desire to be around a group of people who love God and each other. The Quest didn't do this successfully, so we are looking at a different method and approach. These guys have some great insight and ideas check them out!! http://www.missio-dei.com/
Right now, I am envisioning: one large house church. Us eating, praying, sharing life. I am excited to meet with people, that is the one thing I miss the most about the Quest. Eventually, my dream is to have many house churches. To have a central meeting location in the city. To have weekly gatherings. To volunteer at organizations in the city--not only at Christian organizations.
When do we start? Your all invited to my house!