Fill Me Up

I feel so empty...There aren't too many words to say how I feel, but BLAH describes it well. I feel poopy about myself, but I continue to eat crappy food. I feel tired all the time, and I continue to lay on the couch. In my head a workout sounds good, but it never translates to me getting off my butt to go to the gym. The thing that suffers most when I am like this is my relationship with God.
When I look back at the times of my life when I am like this, its always around an envent when I have to talk about God. I have to talk at the Quest next week, and I feel farther away than ever, even though he is right next to me. I always feel like a hypocrite. How can I tell these people about a relationship with God when my is on the rocks?
My simple prayer is that God would fill me up. Help this dark cloud to pass quickly, and fill me with words that are not from me but from you.

Cannibalistic

Weird title, huh? I have been dealing with some weird revelations lately about myself...What follows isn't very poetic, or thought out. Its more ranting and a release of thought...Don't say I didn't warn you.
I get annoyed easily about some things and I have started to understand why. I don't know how to jump into it or how to explain it really though.
Let's just start, sorry if any of you get offended. I get annoyed that friends stop coming to church, but I found out its not because I am worried about their walk in Christ, but more like I am worried about mine. I have begun to understand that I get annoyed that they don't come because it affects how well I 'worship'. Let me explain some of what I have come to realize about my crazy life.
I realized in the mist of being annoyed that I seem to 'feed' off of other people's passion. I get excited and touched when I see other people enjoying worship. It seems to allow me to worship better, it makes me want to cry, and I thank God for what he is doing in other people's lives. It's kind of like the small animals that ride on larger animals backs. For the ride, the animals do some cleaning, which is actually beneficial to the larger host.
But my feeding off of others relationship with God isn't beneficial to anyone. It makes me rely on others to get my God experience when I am at church. It puts pressures on those around me to come to church and worship enough for the both of us.
I am sorry for that, I am sorry to those I have gotten annoyed with. It really isn't you, its me--and that is not just a cheesy line.
I need to find who I am when I worship. I need to come to God alone, not riding on the backs of others...
Do any of you (the two who read this blog) understand or have any comments. I am confused why I do this and how I can stop. Maybe at church tonight I will fight the urge to look around, and keep my eyes shut. I will visualize myself at the foot of God, alone. How would I act?

On a Down Slope

I find it interesting to examine the times in my life when I feel 'closest' to God. I know he is always near me, but the times when I am making an effort to improve our relationship. More times than not, I am putting in an effort when I am at a fork in the road, when I am in need, or when I am lonely. What kind of Christian is that?
A bad one. I need to stick with God when he has already answered my prayers. I need to praise him daily. I think I know why he allows me to fall into tough situations, so I come running back to him.
A few weeks ago I was into a routine of study time and prayer time. I made sure to spend time with God to let him know he is important to me. But when I got the job I was praying about, and my car started running again...I stopped.
Please pray for me. I need help running back to the Savior when things in my life are going well, like now. I need to make an effort to spend time with a God who has given his only son for me. I need to get back where I need to be.