Back to the Grind

Here it is the end of summer, as I officially know it, and the start of another school year. Yesterday was hard. It was the first day with students, and I was given a true run for my money. I was beat after too. However, as the vacation is over, I also started to pick up the slack on my wifely duties. I cooked a yummy dinner when I got home, then I crashed. I napped for an hour then fell asleep for the night a few hours after.
Today was a little better, I felt more organized and prepared. The dynamics of my room this year are overwhelming. That coupled with my current prego status makes it more difficult. I can't do a lot of the things I was used to.
Enough about work, though. I will make it through. I have to. I hope everyone has a great week.

Loss

I recently recieved devestating news from a friend. The news made me utterly sad.

My friend was expecting a baby. She was actually only a week and one half behind me. We had plans for exercise classes and birthing classes together. It was an exciting time, but what made it even more exciting was the opportunity to share it with someone else.

I received a call yesterday morning that she had lost the baby.

I was broken. For the lost life. For the mourning parents. For all women and fathers who have had to experience this type of loss.

This one phone call reminded me yet again that we have so little control here on earth. We can eat right and exercise and still suffer a heart attack. We can wear our seatbelt and drive cautiously but still die in a car accident. We can celebrate and welcome a new life and lose it just as quickly.

If I didn't have a faith, this revelation would be depressing. However, I know that someone more powerful and wise is in control. Sometimes things happen that are difficult and sad. Why? The best answer I can give is that from our trials and losses God creates stronger, more faithful people. It is hard to think that the death of a child will make us stronger, but it will eventually.

I can't imagine the pain our friends are going through right now. I have a difficult time coming up with words to comfort them. I pray, though, that God will get them through this difficult time and allow them to concieve again.

Life Giving Water

Many people have different views on baptism. It could depend on the type of religion you were raised with. It could depend on many things...

I was baptized when I was one month old. This has always kind of conflicted me. I read in the bible that Jesus was baptized when he was an adult. Other adults in the bible were choosing to be baptized as a public profession of their faith. What the bible doesn't talk about directly is baptizing children. It does mention that whole families were baptized together, which may have included babies.
I have recently wondered if I could get baptized again. Just as a public profession of my desire to follow after Jesus. A public announcement that I have accepted Jesus' gift of salvation and grace.
I have had discussions with friends and family about this. I have gotten mixed reactions. One said that it seems like I am saying that my first baptism didn't count by getting baptized again. Others say that I need to choose to be baptized because it is a command of God, and my infant baptism wasn't my choice.
I don't think my message is that my first baptism didn't count. My message is that I am now choosing to follow God's command as an adult. I am choosing to show others that I want to submit my life before God. As an infant I didn't have that choice.
Therefore, I have every intention of getting baptized in Lake Huron on September 10th with my husband, who has never been baptized. This will be an amazing time for both of us!

I Am Trusting You

I had a rough night the other night... I had went four days without 'talking' to the john, but a long walk with my friend, Sarah, changed that. I came home and instantly brought up all my food from the day. I was pretty used to that, but it was what followed that had me scared silly.
I was awaken with a stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. It was severe. I had read about pain and cramping from your ever increasing insides, but I had never imagined it would be that terrifying.
I quietly snuck out of the room and sat on the couch, it was nearly 4am! Greg noticed I left, so he came out to see if I was okay. As soon as he sat I broke down. I was so scared. I was SO scared.
After I told him to go back to bed I realized, I have no control over this pregnancy. I have no control, other than managing my health, over the outcome of this pregnancy. It was scary to think that you can't do anything to stop a miscarriage.
I was comforted, though, by the realization that someone so powerful and loving did have control. My mantra that entire night, and every day since is "I am trusting you".
I am putting my hope and trust in God. I am trusting that he will allow this baby to develop and grow according to his will. I am trusting that he will ensure the birth of a healthy, beautiful baby in seven months. I am trusting that God is in control and he will do anything for this child. After all, he loves children.
So here I am again, faced with the humility that I have no control. But I am okay with that. I would rather have God driving.
He got me through that night, and he continues to get me through each day. The baby is fine, why wouldn't he be, he is in God's hands.

New Life

Well, I would rather be laying down at the moment due to my daily nausea and vomiting, but I really wanted to post the good news for the world to hear. If you haven't heard from my father yet, Greg and I are expecting a baby. Currently I am 6 weeks and five days. I am not very far along, but far enough to experience the side effects of crazy hormones and an 'alien life' inside of me.
Don't take all my complaining the wrong way. Greg and I are VERY EXCITED to become parents. We are already talking about room renovation and paint colors. We have a long time to plan because I am not due until February 24th.
It has been an interesting first experience with pregnancy for me. It doesn't seem real yet, because I don't have the belly. I am looking forward to the belly :) The one thing that makes it the most real is the constant nausea. The one thing that people keep telling me that keeps me optimistic is that if your have a good, strong pregnancy your hormones are off the wall, which will cause a constant state of nausea. So, I guess this pregnancy must be REALLY strong, lol.
Please keep us in your prayers for my health but most importantly the health of the baby. I am so pumped to share this experience with all of you.
Congrats also to Tina and Jessica!! I am glad I am not going through this alone :)

I Can't Forget

It tried to lull me with its gleaming surface.
It tried to pull me with its gentle sway.
It tried to soothe me with its soft white peaks.
I couldn't be lulled or soothed.
I couldn't admire its beauty.
I just couldn't forget.

These waters want to make you believe they are safe.
They aren't.
The water wants to allow you to relax in its gentle wake.
I can't.
The water wants you to get lost in its vivid blues.
I won't.
I just couldn't forget.

I couldn't betray my grandfather.
These waters robbed him of his breath.
These beautiful waters became his grave.
He loved these waters,
but my admiration is replaced with pain.

Every crest was a reminder of his face.
Every sway, a smile from his lips.
Every second on the water, a memory resurfaced.
I couldn't forget him.
He really did love these waters.

Maybe the answer is not to hate these waters.
Maybe it is okay if my hatred dissolves.
I can't help but to admire the waters grace.
I can't help but to be pulled into its beauty.
But it will forever be a reminder of that tragic day.

hot, Hot, HOT!!

Holy Lord, it is hot! Our normally cuddly and attention seeking cat is lying on his back, spread-eagled from heat stroke. Our house registered 86 degrees yesterday. Not outside, that was inside at about 9PM!

I am a cool loving person. I could live with mid-seventies and just a little, if any, humidity. My husband loves this stifling weather. He could be outside all day, while I would rather spend the day in front of a fan or, ideally, an air conditioner.

This weather isn't very conducive to learning either. Schools are quick to supply air conditioners for their offices and lounges, but are too cheap to allow air conditioners in classrooms. If I can't function in this heat, then I really can't expect my students to either.

Well, I think I will take a trip to my local housing store and price air conditioners. The only set back is my frugal husband.

Sorry about the complaining. I am sure that I would also be complaining if the weather was cold and crappy too. When will I ever be satisfied? :) Enjoy the heat!!

School's Out For Summer (Almost)

When I was young, I remember the hopeful anticipation of the last dismissal bell ringing for the school year. The excited chatter of thirty students squirming for the signal of freedom. The bell would ring and we would leap from our seats rushing for the door. Then there was that saying. What was it? "No more homework, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks" Or something like that. I was the one the teachers were giving dirty looks to, I'm sure.

Now I am on the other end of that. I am the teacher giving dirty looks :) The funny thing is, though, that the anticipation for the summer hasn't changed. I am just as much, if not more, looking forward to getting summer off.

This job has it's rewards, the small things that make it feel worthwhile. However, many days are so challenging. So much, that at the age of 24--inching toward 25--I have to go home and nap every day because I am emotionally and mentally spent.

Last year, the summer was a welcome break. This year it will be as well. And I am sure that I will look forward to coming back for another year of stress eating and naps. Summer is my favorite word right now. I really have no plans. No job. Nothing. There is something appealing about not having anything to do. About getting to sleep in a little. About not being stressed. About not being constantly busy. The best part is that I continue to get my paychecks even though I am not working.

I will try my hardest to continue to post throughout the summer, because really what else do I have to do? (Sorry I do have to rub it in a little) However, the thought of frustratingly slow internet is a turn off.

Yeah summer is almost here!!!

Stormy

A song that has really been speaking to my heart lately is the song that says

I will praise you in this storm
I will raise my hands....
Every tear I cry
you hold in your hands
I will praise you in this storm


I am terrified of storms, both literal figurative. I don't mind a small thunderstorm here and there, but the larger ones get me. Like the one on Mother's Day.

We were in Macomb and suddenly the wind turned and the sky grew very dark. The heavens opened up and God really displayed his power. It was a torrential downpour with bouts of hail. It was scary. Both my grandma and I said, "Maybe we should turn on the TV." Implying that there was probably a tornado warning and we should immediately seek shelter in the basement. I have always feared real storms.

However, this song is not about real thunderstorms. The song refers to figurative storms. Be it life storms that occur regularly in our lives. Like endless meetings, workplace conflict, spousal fights; just to name a few. Or, it could be life-altering, torrential storms with hail and tornadoes. Like a death. A divorce. An injury. And so on. These torrential life storms are often the most difficult to weather.

Most of the time, when I am in these storms I become angry with God. I turn my back on him. Ask Him why he wants to make my life miserable. This most recent storm I have been hit with is different.

The loss of my grandpa wasn't expected. It wasn't like he just went to sleep one night and didn't wake up--it was painful, for him. It wasn't easy, for his family. Normally I would be pissed. However, I felt a different emotion this time. I felt at peace. I still felt devastated at his quick exit from our lives. I felt heartbroken for my grieving grandma. I felt helpless. But among all these familiar feelings, I felt a new one, I felt peace.

Now I know what this song means. I know what praising God through a storm means. It means putting aside your anger and hurt and crying out to God. It means seeking his face through the pain. I did. I couldn't have felt better when I made that choice. I couldn't feel better now.

I praise God for the memories of my grandfather and for the 24 years that I have known him. I praise God for trials, because without them I couldn't be the person he is trying to mold me into being.

Appreciation

Long, sunny, warm days. I love them. We always spend lots of time outside. The only time we were inside yesterday was to cook and eat, and then after ten to relax and go to bed.

Greg and I spent lots of time together too. We played basketball, set up and took pictures of our flowers, went to the high school track to walk/run, and then rollerbladed with our friends. It was a fun-filled, calorie burning day. It is always fun to get away from sitting on the couch all winter.

I have developed a new appreciation for Greg. Not only from bad examples around me (failed marriages) but from my grandfather's relationship to my grandma. You never know how long, or short, your time will be together, so you really have to take advantage of the time you do have. Even if you are doing something that you don't want to do, like playing basketball, you can still find some joy it. Like fouling just to touch :) or making your own rules--my rule last night was no running our game was exhaustion-free.

Even a little time together is priceless when you don't know how long you have, and when you don't act like you have forever. Take time to laugh and love. I truly love my hubby and would be forever lost without him.

Broken

I have recently went through the most difficult time in my life. My grandfather died last Saturday in a fishing accident. It was unexpected. It was tragic. It was devastating. I have been up north with my grandma and family pushing though this tough time. Something stuck with me though.

The priest, at the funeral, made an unforgettable analogy. He talked about being pregnant. About how the mom and dad-to-be do everything in their power to prepare for the baby. They take classes, read books, and even pack their bags for the day they know will soon come. It would be foolish, he remarked, to pretend that the birth would never come. To live like the baby would never be born. To never prepare. He compared this to us preparing for our deaths. So many of us, including me, don't like to think about our deaths. We pretend that it never will come. Like the expecting parents who don't prepare, we are foolish to not prepare for our deaths.

I am one of these people. I hate to even think about dying, or those I love dying. But the priest was right, I am foolish for ignoring the fact that some day I will die. My time here on earth is significantly shorter than the time I will spend in the afterlife. I need to prepare to spend eternity in heaven.

My grandfather was. He was preparing to spend his eternity in heaven. The last story he told us was on Easter. When he told it he was so happy. He was so excited about Jesus. He had found a new love for Christ that had grown to immense proportions within the last ten years. This story was about how he went fishing off the pier near his home in Mikado. He was struck by the beauty of the scenery and reminded of a story in the bible. The story of a few fisherman who couldn't catch anything. Then this guy named Jesus told them to try again. To put their nets back into the water. They thought, we haven't caught anything all day, but why not?. They put their nets in and immediately caught more fish than the boat could hold. Papa started to pray when he remembered the story. He thanked God for everything that he has been blessed with. Then Papa put his line in once. Took it out and put it in again. On the second cast he caught a huge trout. Dodie, my Grandma, cooked it up that night. They both agreed it was the best fish they ever had.

My grandpa wasn't always a God-fearing man. He was rough and somewhat mean. He cared most about material things. Then he re-discovered Jesus. He was child-like in his faith. He was so excited. He was so in love. He was so trusting. He was preparing, even if unconsciously, for the afterlife.

I too need to take time to better prepare to secure a spot in heaven. I need to live like Jesus, not just say I love Him but prove it. I need to accept that his sacrifice is good enough, not try to make up for my wrongs. I need to have a childlike faith.

I am saddened that it took an event this tragic to break me. I had to be broken. God knew. I knew. I was afraid to ask to be broken, because I knew it would have to be bad. It would have to be painful. It was, it is the worst pain I have ever experienced. If I can take one thing away from this, though, it is that I have to have a childlike faith like my grandpa.

No time is best for death. No matter when people leave this earth we will be sad. We will miss them. However, if there is a better time, this would have been it for my grandpa. He was living love. He was showing the world Jesus through his actions. He accepted Christ's sacrifice.

I miss you Papa. But I know that you are teaching the angels how to fish right now. And you are telling your hilarious jokes making Jesus laugh. I hope to see you in heaven.

Not Afraid

I am afraid of many things. One of my biggest fears is someone breaking into the house and hurting either my husband or me. I am leary of spiders. I am not a fan of severe thunderstorms, even though little ones are okay. I am not fond of the dark, when I am alone.

I could probably go on for awhile. I am freakishly strange when it comes to thinking of awful things that could happen to me or my family.

However, I do not fear the most important thing, God. I don't often have nightmares about the wrath of God or his punishment. I don't daydream about his absence. This is just not on the forefront of my mind.

Our pastor talked about this at church a couple of weeks ago. About how Christians no longer fear God. We don't think about his rage or jealousy. We just focus on his love and mercy--which we need to think about too, because without these we wouldn't have any hope.

We need to be reminded, however, that God is big and powerful and we are either for Him or against Him. I don't think I want to take on a force like that. Fear is not only being afraid though. It is respect. It is reverence. It is humility. It is submission.

I think I could continue to work on alleviating my fear of thunderstorms, but I also need to work on developing a fear of God.

Dual

Two subjects in this post :)

Cats---Tigger is our cute kitty. I now, however, understand the phrase "curiosity killed the cat". Cats are endlessly curious. Our cat loves bags and boxes, anything he can get into. He was playing with a hobby lobby bag I had left in the living room on Saturday. Note: the bag had contents, it wasn't heavy but did have a box inside. He put his head through the handle and was spooked by me sticking my head into the room and saying something to Greg. He proceeded--with the bag around his neck--to run behind the couch and under the dining room table. Then, he ran under a chair. The bag became lodged between the legs of the chair and Tigger kept going. Greg and I were on the floor rolling at the humorous sight. However, a couple of minutes later Tigger curled into a ball and started crying very loudly. I had never heard him sound like this; it really broke my heart--he is our child :) We thought he broke his front paw, but it just ended up being scraped on a couple of pads. It was really sad. It was cute, though, to see Greg take care of him. Always thinking fatherhood ;)

Email--I recently received an email that was an excerpt from a interview with Rick Warren. He said some really thought-provoking things, so I pasted some of the interview below. Let me know what you think.

People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell,
life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God
wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and
that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of
years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal.

God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We
were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't
going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming
out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than
your comfort.

God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your
life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the
goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

The part that hit me the most was the section I italicized, God is more interested in your character than comfort. WOW! When I was little I always pleaded with God to make things easier for my parents. It seemed like there were constant issues with money. Always needing it and never having it. I became angry as I got older. Pleading with God. Saying "he works for you. He does your work. Why can't they ever have it a little easy?" The answer, now, is clear. God wasn't intending for us to be comfortable. For us to lay back and enjoy the ride while on earth. That is why Christianity shouldn't be simple. It shouldn't be easy. So I ask myself, if things are simple for me now, am I on the right path with God? Honestly, probably not, for me. Yes I am allowed a little happiness, like he said, but am I growing in Christ's likeness? Christ wasn't very comfortable on earth.

Home Again

Greg is back from his Mexican Adventures. He was sick the entire time! He started getting a sinus infection on the way down. He would call me a couple times each day and he sounded so pitiful. Then, on the way home, he was throwing up. He came home on a Sunday and was throwing up. So much for the big homecoming I had hoped for ;)

Turns out I know why I gain weight. His first name starts with a G and ends with a g. Seriously. When he was gone, I didn't lay around the house. I kept it clean. I worked out. I cooked all my meals. Now he is home and there isn't an hour I am not on the couch. The house is a disaster. He suggests fast food all the time. He wants sweets more than I do. So, I will place the blame on him.

It is nice to have him home again. I love being married. I am not cut out for the dating scene. I wouldn't want to scour the ends of the earth, including many bars, for the last good guy. No offense to those who do that, but I don't think that I could... I love coming home to someone. I love having someone to talk to about big things and little things. I love having someone to cuddle up with at the end of a busy day--Tigger was a good stand in for ten days though.

I have been a slacker with my reading-like everything else. I am going to get back into it, though. I will update about it when I do.

The most exciting thing for me right now, is that next year Greg and I are planning on going to Mexico, the Mayan Riviera. I am very excited. It will push us to spend wisely and take better care of ourselves. It is sad that only something like that will force us to re-evaluate...

Hope all is well with everyone else. Drop me a note--let me know you are out there :)

On My Own

Well, Greg has been gone for six days now. He will still be gone for four more days. For the first time in my life, I am on my own. Think about it...I moved out when I was 21, but I was married. Greg and I have lived in a couple of different places together, but I have never lived alone.

At first I was devastated. It was hard saying goodbye. However, then I was excited because I could have fun and not have to worry about getting home. Then I was lonely. I realized how much I took Greg being at home for granted. He is someone to talk to about little, silly things. He is someone to just cuddle with and not have to say anything at all. He is someone who is my rock and strength when I need uplifting. He is someone who cheers me up when I am down. He is someone who makes me laugh. All these little things, I missed immediately, and still do.

I am excited he took the opportunity to go to Mexico. I am excited he is thrilled to be there, and that he is an example of God's love to others. I am excited he is following God's command, love the least of these.

However, I miss him. I talk to him every night with mixed emotions. Wanting him home. Wanting him to have a great time there. Wanting him to experience God. Either way, I am counting the days to when he gets home.

Bread Crumbs

This book I am reading, God Chasers, is amazing. I was so pumped up by just reading the introduction.

I have learned that I am not alone. I am not the only one in the world who feels empty even after going to church. I am not the only one who feels like the church is not doing what it supposed to be doing. I am not the only one who wants more.

These people, says T.Tenny, are called God chasers. God chasers don't want to know more about God, they just want to know God more. The bible is a nice image of where God was, but we want to know where God is now. We want to see what he is doing in our time.

The latest chapter that I have read dealt with being satisfied with 'bread crumbs', or little bits of God's presence. Largely, the church has become satisfied with how God has worked in the past or the little ways He is working instead of seeking more of His presence. More of His face.

I find myself compelled to know how to do this. How do I seek Him, how do I find more of Him, how do I catch Him? Right now, the only answer that has been revealed is repentance. Additionally, the author said we can't really catch God, but we can capture His heart. If we are motivated into action by trying to seek God's heart we are motivated for the right reasons. Does what I do capture His heart? Not currently.

The author challenges the reader to stop living the life they are living. To watch different TV shows and to read different books, and to spend more time with God than both of the other things combined. I tried. I was more conscious of what I watched this weekend and how I talked. I spent time in this book and in the word instead of playing my new video game. My motivation? I want to capture the heart of God! What a thought!

An Escape Route

I heard a song the other night that I really hadn't paid attention to in the past. It was blaring from a WOW CD in my car. I couldn't help but wonder what it meant... The singer was begging, in the song's chorus, for God to be his escape.

I wondered if that is how it should be. I know that God can and has rescued us, but is that how our relationship should be? A rescuer and a victim? I don't think so.

I guess when I heard that song, I felt more like if your relationship was like that, then God was almost like your back-up plan. Just like how robbers have a plan A and if that doesn't go right, then they will fall back on their plan B. I know that is not how God wants our relationship to be with him. I know that he doesn't want us to just walk through life alone, and then when we get 'ran over' call out for him.

I am humbled to say, though, that is the way my relationship seems to be most of the time. When things are coming up daisies, God is further from my mind than when I am stuck in the mud.

I am learned enough to know that God wants a relationship despite the state of our lives on earth. We need to draw closer even when we aren't suffering. Praise him when things are amazing and when things are awful. I am speaking to myself more than anyone.

Reading for the Soul

This weekend my hubby and I rearranged our spare room too add a piece of furniture, a bookshelf, and take another out to use in the basement. We came across a lot of things that we either needed to toss or that needed to be returned to their original owners-oops!
I found a book that I am going to start reading. It was my dad's that I am sure he loaned out to me forever ago. It is called God Chasers. I am excited to read it because that is what I am not doing right now. I am walking on other paths trying to avoid him for the time being. I realize I should be running after him, but I am running away.
I am hoping this book will be inspiring and speak to my heart. I normally only read fiction books. However, I realize the need to read something that will help me out, not only allow me to escape. Ask me how the reading is going. Hopefully I will start soon.

The Face in the Mirror

It's hard sometimes to look at yourself and know truly who you are.

I have difficulty being true to myself in many situations. A few people really know who I am, however, many do not. Sometimes I don't even know who I am.

For some people I can put on the personality of a submissive, quiet, introverted person. For others my personality is loud, obnoxious, and somewhat offensive. For still others I am wounded, insecure, and fragile. In my mirror I see a girl who is a mix of all of these. I am loud and somewhat obnoxious. I am insecure and sometimes introverted. I am a wild, odd mix of all of these.

I have a hard time not changing who I am when I am with different groups of people. I get so disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I can't reveal the real me. That I am so insecure about people liking the real me.

In the same breath, however, I ask myself, "who are you really?" It's hard to show people the real me if I don't even know.

In my life, right now I feel like I am wandering. I am aimlessly pacing in between God and the world. I am ashamed to admit, but I don't know if I care enough to jump head first into a relationship with the Creator. How awful that must sound.

I wish I could just be a headstrong follower of Christ who doesn't change. Who isn't ashamed. Who is steadfast and consistent with her beliefs and practices no matter whose presence she is in.

I wish I could climb out of this hole I have dug myself into. I wish I felt something, either hate or love, towards this God of mine. I wish I cold run back and pledge my love again, but I can't because I know I will just run away again.

So I am here. A not-so committed, unsure, and lost person wishing I had enough guts to follow Christ the way I know I should.

Welcome the Newest DeGlopper

I am not a cat person. Lately, though, I have been asking for anything. A cat. A dog. A baby. It was always no. Nothing. Just Greg and I. Until...
Greg called me Friday around three while I was at school. He said, "I know this is probably a stupid question, but do you want a cat?"
The back story- Someone from Greg's work needed to get rid of their cat. He wasn't getting along with their other cat, and they wanted to get a dog in the summer. He is neutered, declawed, and trained. He is already named Tigger, and knows it too well for us to change it. The best part: they were going to give him to us for free.
I was so excited! I had a million questions. I wanted to see him first. We went to see him that night. He immediately came up to us and wanted his belly rubbed-odd for a cat.
So I was in love. I had to have him. We went out, bought all his things, and brought him home that night.
He adjusted well. He is very cuddly and loves attention.
The thing is, though, it is like we now have a kid in the house. We have to watch to make sure he isn't getting into my plants-again. Greg takes care of the discipline, and I am more the care-giver. I give him his food and water and special treats. Honestly, this cat has taken away the urgency I felt to have a baby. I know babies aren't this easy, but it is a way for us to care for something else and have a responsibility for something else together. It is funny to hear Greg talk to the cat and refer to me as Mommy. I like it.
I also like the welcome home meows and the purring wake-up calls. It is fun to have something else in the house to share our love with. Tigger is making me a cat person!

The Big Picture

Well, it is finished! The picture is of our finished kitchen. It took a full week, six different kinds of paint, many man hours, and some tears. I love the new look and the new feel when I walk into my redecorated kitchen. I think that we managed to take the shock factor away from our bright orange counter tops (you might not agree :)
Throughout the process of redecorating, however, there were many times I wasn't sure I liked what I saw. At one point, I had even told Greg that I hated it. I did, at that moment. I hated the orange. I hated the yellow. I hated the white moldings. I hated how it all went together.
I feel in life, we are sometimes like that. We are quick to judge, many different things and/or events, just from a few pieces of the puzzle. If my life is going smoothly I will say "I love my life", but if my life has taken a turn onto some hard times I shout "I hate my life".
I wonder if God, even though he knows the end result, I wonder if he throws up his hands in frustration. He knows the end, but I am sure that at times, numerous times for me, he is angry, sad, and jealous.
I think, for me especially, that I need to look more toward the future. That I need to stop making snap judgments and wallowing in the present. For example when I was crying about how much I hated the kitchen a few days into the painting. I also am known to cry for other reasons when I am wallowing in self-pity.
I know I wasn't promised an easy life on earth. I also know that this isn't all there is for me. There is a perfect life planned for me in heaven. For all eternity.
Just like I love the end result of my kitchen, even though the process wasn't easy; I will be joyous in heaven, even though life on earth is hard.

Spell it Out

I wish that God gave us a life instruction manual. Something that allowed us to understand better how to deal with this life that we have been dealt. Some problems we encounter are brought on by our choices, while others just seem to fall on our laps, unwanted.

I wish that there was something that said if this happened to you check page four for the answer. I know there is the bible. But when you read only when you are in pain, you often twist the meaning to accommodate your problems.

We live complex lives in a mean, competitive world. The answers are never easy. The problems I encounter are never the exact replica of your problems. An answer to my problem may not be the same solution for yours.

I know that some people reading this would say, " there is an answer, Jesus! HE is the answer to all our problems." Which is true. When there is sorrow, he offers joy. When there is death, he offers life. We can use his example to get us though life. We can call on his name in both good times and bad. He is a source of comfort and peace. However, I am one of those people who likes things spelled out for me. The bible needs a section that says if your husband is unfaithful these are the steps to follow if you want to reconcile, or follow these steps to get a divorce. Or it needs a section for how to repair damaged relationships. If your relationship is failing do this to repair it. That would be much easier.

This seems like a season for broken relationships. Not mine, but of many people around me. It makes me sad. People who you have looked up to as a great example of love and faithfulness are getting divorced. People who thought they were secure in love, feel cheated and lost because of love.

My prayer is that you take the time to mend relationships that have been hurt. Look to Jesus as an example of unconditional love.

I love when it is sunny. The hint of a morning sun instantly picks up my spirits. After a couple weeks of gloominess, the sun is a welcome interruption.
There are so many things out there that we allow to affect our moods. The weather. Friends. Work. Health. Amount of sleep. Circumstances. What we ate last night. We allow outside things to influence our internal feelings. We allow these things to make us mad. To make us sad. Or to depress us. Its so easy.
It is also easier for us to say "the sun didn't come out today, so I am sad. It is gloomy outside, so I feel depressed." It is so much more difficult to conquer the feelings that outside sources might suggest to us. It is much more difficult to overcome those ideas and actually decide to smile or to feel joy.
So often we allow ourselves to be influenced by these unimportant issues that we forget who should be the biggest influence in our lives. He is just kind of on the sideline as we go through our depressed state. We forget to look toward him to give us the joy that is for whatever reason missing from our lives at that moment.
However funny it sounds, though, the sunshine reminds me to praise him. To live love. To be thankful.
As I drove the six minutes to school this morning, the sun was just starting to rise. It made me smile. I popped in my old Matt Redman- Facedown- CD and sang the whole way to school. What a great way to start off my day. It put me into the right attitude.
The sun doesn't shine all the time in Michigan, though. I need to let God be the 'sunshine' in my life. I need to wake up praising him even when it is cloudy. Or when I am having problems at work. Or when I ate a banana split last night. Or when my hubby is crabby with me. I need to stop allowing these outside, less important issues cloud my relationship with God. I have a long way to go.

Traditions

I am normally one who shies away from traditions. Especially ones that are found in the church. However, there are some great things about traditions that I have recently encountered. Traditions are there to pass things along from one generation to another. We are able to experience what past generations did through following their traditions.

I think that was the best thing about this break. Traditions. Following old ones and making new ones.

My favorite old tradition occurs on Christmas Eve. (dad, how long has this been going on?) I think I have been at Nana and Popa's for all 24 years of my life, at least. We go to my dad's family late on Christmas Eve. We eat appetizers, drink wine, and talk. We exchange gifts. We talk more. I love it. We stay late into the night-well, really, we stay early into Christmas morning-spending quality time with our family. Family that we really don't see that often throughout the year.

My favorite new tradition, that is only in its third year, is going to my parents on Christmas morning. We go, still in our jammies, exchange gifts, and eat breakfast. It is always a big event for my dad, who is a good cook. He went above and beyond this year by making stuffed French toast topped with blueberries, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, grapefruit, and mimosas--mom helped too; she would be mad if I left her efforts unnoticed. It is great to spend that time with my parents and brothers. It is always a fun thing to do. This year we even had enough time to stay and watch some of Matt's Family Guy season 1, and take a nap.

This break was refreshing. I would be lying, however, if I said that I wasn't looking forward to returning to work. I was excited to see how my students' vacations went. I really enjoyed spending a lot of time with my hubby. Thank God, however, that we both had job to return to, because if we were home together every minute of each day all the time, we would definitely kill each other. Too much of a good thing is just that, TOO much!

Can You Hear It?

Christmas is coming near,
Can you hear it?
Christmas is drawing closer,
Can you feel it?
Christmas is almost upon us,
Can you see it?

'It' is the love of Jesus
Wrapped in swaddling cloth.
'It' is the sacrifice
Nailed upon the cross.
'It' is the joy of salvation
Held in tiny hands.

We can remember His sacrifice,
His love,
His peace,
His joy,
His saving grace,
Not only now, but year round.

May you take a chance and share 'it',
Exit your comfort zone,
Take a risk,
And love.
Love hard.
Love like Jesus loves you.

Christmas Snow with Palm Trees

I love the snow. I love it. I hate the cold. I hate it.

If the snow would come without the cold, I would be so excited. The snow is just a indicator that Christmas is near. The soft white coats on everything looks cozy. It makes me want to cuddle up and nap. Then, at night, I love the warm glow of Christmas lights. It just seems like such a happy time of the year.

After Christmas, I am ready for the snow to melt and the palm trees to appear. Palm trees have to be my favoritest part of nature. Most likely because we don't have them here in MI. I have a picture of me with a palm tree in every warm place that we have been to. They remind me of tropical locations and fun in the sun. I wish they could grow here.

I couldn't imagine Christmas here without snow, but now Christmas with snow and palm trees would be amazing!

Its so true that you always want what you don't have, isn't it.

Quite a silly entry, but as I look out my classroom window, I can only think of Christmas and palm trees-go figure.

Family is priceless...

I have both my mom and dad still with us, and married. I have two younger brothers, Matt and Ryan. I have my husband, Greg. And that's just MY immediate family here in Port Huron.

This weekend, I was in my cousin Gwyn's wedding. There were a lot of family members there that I haven't seen in a long time. It was fun to talk with them, and to also hang out with my parents and brothers.

Greg and I have a friend who is going through a particularly tough time in his life right now. He actually hung out with us and my parents and brothers yesterday. We took him in and made him part of our family. He got a little break from all the thoughts running through his head and was able to eat, laugh, and relax with us.

I love that I have a family who is willing to take in others. Who is loving and caring and God-fearing. This Christmas, the best gift of all is my family. They mean so much to me in many different ways:

Mom--to someone who is now my good friend. She makes me laugh and is fun to pick on :) She is a strong woman who carries the burdens of her children and husband on her shoulders. She has inspired me to have the courage to wade through all the crap in my life because there is always something better. She is amazing.
Dad--to someone who is a great rock. He is always bringing up the sensible options to me and encouraging me to look past my hurt feelings. He is funny and will always remain a child at heart. He has shown me how to love Jesus and others by the way thatt he loves us. He loves us even when we are flipping him off or chewing him out. He is amazing.
Matt--to someone who is always intriguing. Unlike dad, Matt often hides his emotions, but we have always been able to open up to each other. He keeps on swimming even though life is always pulling him under. He is loving and compassionate. He is amazing.
Ryan--to someone who is the family teddy bear. Ry got the bulk of dad's heart-on-his-sleeves emotions. It is fun to toy with him and get him worked up, but he will always be loved. He is honest and fun to be around. He cares for people more than I ever could. His heart is huge! He is amazing.
Greg--to someone who is my best friend. He keeps me grounded when I need to be, but he also pushes me to strive for my dreams. He always makes me laugh and won't let me just be grumpy. He is the person I turn to for comfort, peace, love, and strength. He is amazing.

Family is priceless, and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

Falling off the Wagon

Well, I was doing good changing my life into a more healthily lifestyle. But, it is so easy to eat bad foods. Not only because they are easier to get, but because they are what my brain tells me I want. I love French fries, cheese burgers, ice cream, cookies...And on for a few pages. I love a lot of the things that all fat Americans love.
I was brought back to reality this week when I weighed in .4lbs (four tenths!) higher than last week. Not much, but enough. I gain quick! I need to get off my lazy butt and walk more. I need to push myself to feel better like I did a few weeks ago.
I still feel good. My clothes are loose, but I let myself get tricked into thinking that chocolate or a greasy hamburger will make me feel better than a workout on the treadmill. Honestly, I feel wonderful after I work out, so why do I still crave the sloshy feeling of being too full on crappy food? Who knows?

I was hoping to loose more weight before my cousin's wedding, but too bad. Times up and this is one last-minute situation that I cannot BS out of. I will still have fun. I am very excited for the two of them, now they can join in on our funny conversations- LOL, sorry a bit of an inside joke...

Well, strapless wedding dress here I come, ready or not.

Christmas Gift

I am very excited for Christmas. I get this way every year. Not only for the gifts I will get, but especially for the gifts that I give. I love giving gifts to other people. I love brightening their day, and making them feel special. My hubby is quite ticked at me right now, because he assumes he is not getting the one thing he asked for. I have given him a pretty good story as to why he is not getting it, so I am not helping things at all :) I am not good at keeping secrets, and I have never pulled one over on him, so it would be great if he didn't know what he is getting this year.

An email I recently received helped me, however, refocus. This email was written from the perspective of God. He writes that he is excited it is his birthday, and it is the one time of the year that people think about him the most. He write that he doesn't usually get an invitation to His own birthday parties. However, He goes any way. Eventually, He leaves after He is forgotten between meals, presents, and drinks. It made me sad. I, too, forget to invite Jesus to His own birthday party. I forget to acknowledge Him at a celebration in His honor. This year, I want to remember Jesus before I open gifts, eat yummy treats, and drink homemade wine. I want Him to be the focus as we gather to celebrate Him. I want Him to feel honored and remembered. I want to feel humble and joyful for the great gift He gave.

This Christmas I can remember Jesus and His great gift by loving others. I can reflect the love of Christ by being patient, caring, and helpful. I want Jesus to be first this CHRISTmas.

A Pinhole of Light

Dear Lord,

I come to you broken. I come before you angry. I cry out to you a helpless person. I come to you on behalf of my brother. My brother, who is also broken. Angry. Lonely. My brother who asks, "why does God hate me?". I come to you on his behalf.
Trials in life are hard, Lord. Matt has had a very difficult, trying year. I know that pain and trials of faith are part of this life. I know that Job was extraordinary in dealing with all the things that were thrown his way. However, it is so hard to see your love from the deepest, darkest tunnel. It is hard to learn from the trials and tests when you never seem to surface in between them. It's difficult to sense something better when you are defeated and lacking self confidence.
I come before you Lord to ask that you bless Matt. That you take him in your arms and allow him to experience joy and happiness. That you send people into his life that are friends, who love him without conditions. Allow him companionship to combat his loneliness.
Lord, I don't know if I can offer this, but I am willing to take on any trials or pain in Matt's place. This thought was difficult for me, but I would rather allow Matt happiness and joy in his life instead of suffering and sadness.
Lord, more than anything I want Matt to find his purpose. I want him to be excited about life, instead of dreading it. Please Lord, shower him with your peace and joy.
In Your Most Holy and Precious Name I pray,
AMEN

To Matt: A song that has been going through my head for the past couple weeks makes sense now. Its a part of the chorus from a song on the new Third Day album. It goes:

There's a light at the end of the tunnel,
there's a light at the end of the tunnel,
For you, for you.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel,
Shining bright at the end of the tunnel,
For you, for you.

Keep holding on, Keep holding on.

I know, Matt, that this year has been a disappointment. I know that you are feeling unloved and angry. As cliche as it may sound, there truly is an end to this suffering somewhere. God does love you, even though you don't feel it right now. I will always be here for you to talk to or lean on. I don't live to far, come and visit. You are forever in my thoughts and prayers.

A Thankful Thanksgiving

This is the time to spend time with God to thank Him for all that he has done and is doing in your lives.

I am thankful for my friends who are like a second family to me. We have had a great time eating dinner, sharing stories, encouraging each other, and laughing at each other. I look forward to the time I get to spend with them every week.

I am thankful for my family. I have an amazing mom and dad, who are still married, and they serve as great role models in my life. I also have a fun family. We can always count on laughing when we get together. I have two great brothers who are always keeping me on my toes and keeping my comebacks up to date. I am truly blessed because of my family.

I am thankful for my wonderful hubby. He is sweet, and real, and honest. He doesn't always say what I want to hear, but he always keeps it real. He makes me laugh every day. I appreciate him for putting up with me. He is a great friend, family member, and husband.

I am thankful for my job. I love coming to school everyday knowing that not only will I have the opportunity to teach some wonderful boys, but I will also learn some amazing life lessons from them as well.

I am thankful that I live in a country where I am free to worship as I please.

I am thankful that Greg and I have the ability to support a child, through World Vision. His name is Thokoa, and he and his family could use all the prayers you could muster.

I am thankful that I am simply alive. I am alive because of an enormous self-denying sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. If it weren't for him I would be wandering through life, lost and alone. Now, I am never alone. I don't need to ever be afraid. And I can be sure that I will see Him one fine day.

Lesson of Pain

I have been presented with this a lot lately...

The opening act at Todd Agnew's concert was a woman named Joy Whitlock. In the program she had this to say about pain:

"...Pain is not working against us. It brings us closer to the one who knows pain better than anyone else...Jesus Christ. He understands and hurts right along with us. When we are persecuted, He is persecuted. When we cry, He cries. And when we laugh...He laughs too. He goes through life with us and in us. And our life struggles and heartache only remind us that we are not alone. It shows us of his love. It shows us that if we fall, He will fall with us."

Another reminder of how the pain in our life is used for good was an email my grandparents recently sent to me. It basically compared the little struggles and pains in our lives to the ingredients in a cake. Alone eggs, flour, and sugar aren't very appetizing. However, when combined, they are yummy. Likewise the pain in our life is confusing while we experience it. However, later, the pain is combined for good. It helps us to learn and redirect. God put everything together to work for His good. God's plan isn't to torture us or for us to be miserable. Oppositely he wants us to deal with the pain we encounter and still be joyful. The one quote that I loved from that email was:

God is crazy about you.
He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.
He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

He also sends us snow in November :)

I pray that God will help me use my painful experiences for good. That he would open my eyes to his ultimate plan for me. I do have a tough time with pain, and death, as you know.

Dealing With Death

I have a problem with death. I have a very difficult time even thinking that I will eventually lose someone close to me. I am blessed because no one in my family has died yet, but I know that it will eventually happen.
I went to a concert and the guy on stage was talking (Todd Agnew) about death. About how we want to hang on. The example he gave was of a single person saying that he didn't want to die until he was married. My hang up is that I didn't want to die until I became a mother. Then, however, he said something that really made sense.
What joy on earth could we experience that would be even close to the joy that we would feel in heaven? What we experience on earth is just a taste of the joy of heaven. We have just been given little glimpses into the excitement and happiness that we will feel with Jesus.
How could being a mother make me want to delay seeing Jesus? How could I even say, "Lord, I want to be with you, but I want to experience motherhood first" I am putting a condition on going to heaven. I realize now, that I do want to be a mother, but it is not a condition of my death.
I can't really understand, due to my limitations, what the joy in heaven would be like. What it would be like to feel no pain and to be happy constantly? How would I feel being in the presence of the creator? It's hard to say 'take me', but I do know that I will never experience something on earth that is greater than the joy in heaven.
Additionally, when I tell God to not take my family from me, I am again being selfish. I know that when they die, they will bathing in the glory of God in heaven. It will still be sad to see them go, but it will be reassuring to know that God is walking with them now, literally.
Death is a touchy subject for me, but I am beginning to understand that our journey on earth is just the beginning. Earth is not where we are meant to stay. Whenever you want to take me home Lord, I am ready.

Un-chained

I feel good. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Awhile ago I wrote about a ravenous addiction that I have. An addiction that controls my thoughts, my actions and even my moods. An addiction so strong that I go to bed thinking about it and wake up starving for it.
Finally, I am starting to take control again. Food has lost some of its power. It's not the fact that I am losing a little weight (2.8 lbs this week. Yahoo!), but the fact that I am now controlling my cravings instead of my cravings controlling me.
I wake up feeling good and I go to bed excited for tomorrow. My mid-day slump isn't as crippling. I am starting to get control of my eating habits and it is helping every aspect of my life.
It's not always easy. Greg takes care to eat too much junk in front of me, however I still want whatever he has. I still want greasy French fries and double cheeseburgers and gobs of ice cream. The only difference is that I am not always giving into what I want. I am not letting the desire overcome my will power. It feel good to have control over something so minor.
I forget what its like, sometimes, to have energy. Working out gives me great energy, I love the way I feel. Even the little aches and pains from not walking for months make me smile because I know I did something good for myself.

Sorry, I am sure all this self-love is making you sick. Just had to share the latest breakthrough.

Wanderer

Do you ever feel lost? Well, not lost really but, not found either.

I feel like I have wandered from the path--the path of righteousness. I get back on the path, but once I feel comfortable, I venture on my own. I walk around the 'woods' for awhile, and then I have no idea where the path is. If you know me, you know that I am no good with a map, and I am even more helpless with a compass.
I feel like I am just wandering. I am walking around in my own little world. I am only turning to look for God when I am stuck or bored or desperate. I call out to Him when I am frustrated, but not when I am content. I opened my bible for the first time in months, but only to look for verses or sayings to add to a future tattoo.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I can never have a continually good relationship with God. I am a bad weather friend instead of a fair weather friend. I call out to Him when things are messy or when an effort needs to be given-more than I want to produce. I am not willing to put in time to sustain a relationship. My marriage wouldn't survive if I just came home when I needed something, or when I was bored-even though Greg might like that.
I know that everyone has hills and valleys. I am just sharing my portion of my journey right now. I am not perfect. I don't do what I always should, and I don't try like I should.
The biggest problem is not that I am wandering, but that I am not unhappy with where I am. It is a problems that I don't have a great desire to change as of yet. That is why, I have concluded, that I experience pain. Pain is the only way that I come back to Him. What a lousy friend I am.

Community

Well, last night was fun, except that Joe and baby M didn't think they were invited. What dorks, I swear that I implied their invitation and I was talking about it in front of them. If only Jaycee could talk , I know that she would remember...

Dinner at the DeGloppers went well. We ate, talked, and shared life. That was the goal. It was fun, I think my hubby even enjoyed himself-except for Jaycee screaming all night, lol, well not all night. I had fun hanging out with people we don't get to see very often.

The weekend can't come quick enough. I am worn out this week. The kids were pretty wired from Halloween until Wednesday. Things are starting to go back to normal now, though. I am very much anticipating a relaxing weekend. I will sleep in, watch some tv, and work on my Christmas cards. It's kind of nice to not have any plans and not be running around with our heads cut off.

Today is my second day of weight watchers. I feel really good. I plan on walking tonight, hopefully the weather is nice and I can walk outside. I love fall walks with Gregory! I can't believe it is November! Thanksgiving is in a few weeks, and that is a whole other story...

Greg volunteered us to have Thanksgiving at our house, but I have never cooked a turkey before. AND I have never cooked for twelve people before! Oh, MY!

Hope everyone has a nice, relaxing weekend. I will definitely try.

Brain Freeze

Well, Halloween has come and gone. We had a good time at trunk-or-treat, even though I was secretly wishing I could have been home passing out candy and meeting a couple people in the neighborhood.
We start dinner at the DeGloppers on Thursday. I am excited to start, but my hubby is a little less ambitious. I know it will be a fun time to hang out with people. That's all I really have to say I guess. Pray for us. Pray for God to move. Even if we are just eating dinner.

I have been thinking this weekend...

If we want the goal of the church to be community, then why do we expect people to come out to our out-of-the way buildings? Four churches in the area are having trunk or treat at their churches. We have done it with our church for the last couple years, and we are doing it this year. However, I was thinking yesterday. If we are all supposed to be billboards for Christ, how are we going to show God's love to other people if we are all gathered as a group? We have recognized the need to get into the community and shine for Christ. I should be at home handing out candy to the children of the community. I should be getting to know my neighbors. I should be in my own neighborhood. I shouldn't be at church, expecting people to come to us. I shouldn't be secluded with other Christians. I need to integrate. Maybe this trunk or treat idea isn't such a good one. We need to be beacons in our own communities, where the people already are.

Deeper

OK, I am over my little fit from the last post. It helps so much to just get things out of your system.

I am in a strange mood today. Not happy, not sad, not mad, not glad. Just kind of here, kind of staying afloat. I don't like when men say "must be that time of the month", but truly there is nothing else I can think of that would put me in this gray mood.

I am really excited, but not right now because everything is blah at the moment, about starting up a house church. In the beginning, we are just going to eat together. We need to get to know each other and hang out. I am excited to see people that I haven't seen in awhile. Eating and praying together brings people closer. I am pumped to see how God will work with and in the group. I am desperate for deeper relationships. I am desperate for a deeper relationship with God. My effort has become null and void lately. I don't know when the last time I picked up my bible was. I don't even remember the last time I prayed. Most likely it was when I was really thinking about starting a house church...
I hope that people want a deeper relationship with each other and with God as much as I do. The biggest worry about this is people's desire to commit. One night a week doesn't seem like a big deal, but life gets in the way. People who come need to be able to commit one night, no matter what life sends their way. I am ready for this.

God please help us. Help us love each other. Help us spend more time focused on you.

Grown Up

Sometimes I get upset when I am still treated like a child. I am not old, however, I am not young either-well in my eyes. I feel like that I always have to prove that I am an adult because people look at me and think I am a kid. So if I am a 'kid' in their eyes, then I must also act like one too.

My pet peeves:
I HATE getting carded. I get carded for stupid things like fuel injection cleaner, white out, and rated R movies. I think I look older than 18.
I HATE when people think I am still a child. They look at me and think I am not responsible and careful. I am, and I would never do anything stupid to hurt anyone, especially family. I feel like, even though I am 24 and married and a teacher, that people expect me to fail. They need to talk to me like I am five and then second guess everything I say.
Sorry I needed to vent. This is kind of vague. I didn't write this to hurt anyone, but to get my feelings out.
I'm out.
When I think of something else I will write again.

Unmasked

I haven't had any deep thoughts lately. I have kind of just been a blank slate...

Its weird when you think about it. I graduated from high school in 1999. It has been just over 6 years since I was there. Honestly, I don't miss many people. I don't have a desire to see many of the people I was friends with. Looking back, I know those 'friendships' were false. I tried to be the person they wanted me to be, but I really wasn't that person. It took me meeting Greg to see that I didn't need to put up a facade. They funny thing, to me, is that I have a desire to talk to the people that I never really did know in high school-and to those I got to know my senior year. I see a person that I barely knew, but I am so interested in finding out about them. Because I had my head stuck up my butt in high school, I am sure that I missed out on a lot of great friendships. I can't go back and change; however, I can change the way I act now. I try and think about how I treat people. I try to think about what I say and how it will be taken before I say it. Sometimes, the filter is broken, and I screw up. But I am trying. I really cherish the friendships I have now. I have never had girlfriends like I do now. I have never been 'friends' with a guy and not wanted something more. Maturity is golden. I don't mind aging. With age comes wisdom. I like to be wise.

Week Update

It has been a good week so far. My husband and I spent a great weekend together. He even got me a pot of flowers for sweetest day. Being the wonderful wife that I am, I forgot.
I underestimate him sometimes. Its funny to hear him talk about what he discusses at work. Most of the time, it has to do with me. The woman at his work, if I run into them, say how much he talks about me and how much he is in love with me. I have a great husband. I need to realize how much God has blessed me by putting him into my life.

This week has also been very rewarding at work. I love my job, my students, and my paraprofessionals.

I just seem to be in a strangely upbeat mood this week. I think it helped to put my problems out there and have people reassure me, yell at me, and make fun of me. Thanks guys.

Greg and I spent all night painting our house. It will be in great shape in no time. It will be a great meeting place for a house church. I am very excited, but I am waiting to meet with JOE and dad. Slackers! Set up a meeting. I would like to talk before we dive into this.

I am getting a major baby itch. I want to be a mom. I love the thought of sharing in the making of a new life. God is responsible, but we supply the "ingredients". It seems like my hubby is coming around too. I will be bursting when he finally says "I am ready!" I am not so patiently awaiting that. Until then I will just have to spend more time with the babies that are already in my life. Jaycey and Hayden, they are very precious.

I am supposed to be starting Weight Watchers in two weeks. Pray for me! I have the weakest will power that I know of. I will be struggling, but there is a great reward at the end of the tunnel. My goal is to lose twenty pounds before I get pregnant! Here I come motherhood!

Thanks all for your love and support. I love that I can share my daily life with you via the internet.

Insane in the Membrane

I seriously have a problem. I am the most screwed up person I know.

I try to screw up every blessing in my life. I take my blessings and turn them into negatives. Instead of saying "Thanks God!" I say, "Its not good enough" or "It won't last".

I don't know why these thoughts are constantly assaulting me. They disturb my life, they corrupt my thankfulness, and they hurt my relationships. Most of the time, I can stop the thoughts in their tracks, and dismiss them as stupid insecurities. However, sometimes, when I am broken, I am too tired or too weak to stop them. They affect my life and those around me when I let them get to me.

I have been such a bitch to my husband--sorry about the word, but it perfectly describes my behavior. I have been nagging about how he isn't good enough, or how he doesn't try enough, or how he doesn't do enough to show me he cares--which isn't true. He is one of the sweetest, most caring men that I know. Why do I try to make the good bad and turn his love into hate? When I am yelling, I make myself out to be the best wife ever with a horrible husband, but really, what good wife bitches at her husband 24/7.

I went to bed after he did last night. I knew I was hurting him. I knew I was hurting us. I knew I had to apologize. I had pulled away from him all night because he said something with the wrong tone. I laid there, without touching him for awhile. I wanted to just put my arm around him and apologize, but again, thoughts were running through my head "why should I apologize, I didn't do anything wrong, he owes me" I knew these things thoughts weren't correct, loving, or of God. I finally moved toward him and kissed him. I said I was sorry, and to my surprise he pulled toward him and kissed me back he said it was okay. I knew it wasn't. I know it will most likely happen again. Next time, though, I want to be aware of what's going on. Oh God, I need help. I need to fight these thoughts that are destroying me and my attitude.

Worthwhile

I have written alot about how stressful my job is, which it is. However, once in awhile there is a ray of light that fades out the dark spots.

Once in awhile I feel like I have won the lottery. Or like I have ran a 2000K ran and won. I feel like a proud mother watching her child walk for the first time.

I love these moments. The moments that make all the stress and tears worthwhile.

I experienced a couple of these moments very recently. This is why I teach children with disabilities.

The first ray of brilliant light was brought on by a student who was so proud of his recent accomplishments that he ran up to me and hugged me and kissed my cheek.

The second ray of blinding light came from a teary-eyed mom who was proud of her child's accomplishments. She was worried he might not accomplish much because of the severity of his impairment, but she was gladly wrong.

This job is stressful, however it has unbelievable rewards. Even though, at times, I might claim to hate it, I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

Kinda Corney

Yes this is slightly corney, so don't take it seriously. But if your don't fill it out I will hunt you down. Just be kind...

DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!!

1. Who are you, what's our relationship?
2. How long have you known me?
3. Tell me one thing you think is good about me?
4. When you first saw me, what was your impression?
5. Have you ever had a crush on me?
6. Describe me in 3 words?
7. Do you think I'm hott?
8. How would you describe me to someone?
9. Would you ever date me? If you have would u do it again?
10. What do you like most about me?
11. If we could spend a day together what would we do?
12. Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years?
13. What reminds you of me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Are you going to put this on your lj and see what I say about you?
16. Do I cross your mind at least once a day?

Pumped!

I am so excited right now! I have been brainstorming, looking at other people's websites, and conversing with others. Feel free to add any comments/concerns/questions.
I have a vision. The vision is of a community of believers. This community gets together, hangs out, prays together, worships together, eats meals together, volunteers around their city, and on and on. I have a desire to be around a group of people who love God and each other. The Quest didn't do this successfully, so we are looking at a different method and approach. These guys have some great insight and ideas check them out!! http://www.missio-dei.com/
Right now, I am envisioning: one large house church. Us eating, praying, sharing life. I am excited to meet with people, that is the one thing I miss the most about the Quest. Eventually, my dream is to have many house churches. To have a central meeting location in the city. To have weekly gatherings. To volunteer at organizations in the city--not only at Christian organizations.
When do we start? Your all invited to my house!

Losing Hair

The only way I can convey how I have been feeling is to give examples of situations in which one might experience the same emotions. Close your eyes--well keep them open to read this, and imagine these...

You are stuck in traffic. It is a hot day. You have to pee. You are hungry. The guy behind you is honking endlessly, but it is accomplishing nothing. You have begun a little mantra "Come On!". It does nothing. Traffic is stuck. Your gas gauge is drifting past the E. You have been there for hours not moving.

OR

You are trapped in a small, dark room. There are no windows. There are no doors. There is no light. You have searched every inch of the walls. You have banged on them, but they are solid concrete. You have screamed and yelled until your voice became hoarse. There is no way out. You can't will your way out. You can't talk your way out. There is no getting through.

OR

You are on a sports team. Your team has talent and potential. However, you never win. It is the last game of the season. You are all doing your best. You should win. You don't. Your best proves to not be good enough. You have tried again and again to win, but you are winless.

How do you feel when you imagine these situations? They are all hypothetical, but at least I am not the only one feeling frustrated, helpless, and hopeless now. Sometimes things are so dire that the best way to fix it might be to quit. Then, one day, today. The sun came out. There is a glimmer of hope. Hopefully tomorrow the glimmer will return. If not, at least it's a Friday and I have the weekend off and it's payday.
Work sucks sometimes. Sometimes I would love to be a stay-at-home mom to be. However, there are those days where you look into the eyes of your students and you see hope. You see happiness. You see the ways that you touch them. I would love for those days to outweigh the hard days. The days that you are so stressed out you could pull your hair our, or in my case eat a boatload of ice cream. And I have had a lot of ice cream lately.

Open Arms

Listening to responses from others about a church community, and listening to the new Casting Crowns CD, I have come up with something that should be a part of every community, but unfortunately isn't.
LOVE Christ commanded us to love our neighbor as ourselves and to love God. Churches aren't often the place where this love is practiced. We stare when someone different walks in. We shun someone who is going through a divorce. We ignore the poor person sitting in the rack row.
Casting Crowns makes it a focus of so many of their songs. Where is the love that God commands us to give? Why aren't we reaching out to those who are poor in spirit? Why do we ignore the broken hearted? Why do we criticize others who aren't like us?
More than anything I want TNQ (the new Quest)to be a place where people can come in off of the streets and they feel comfortable. I want it to be inviting. I want the people there to be accepting and loving. I want us to be a mirror for Christ's love. There are so many people who are pushed away from the church because they aren't typical church material. Because they don't fit a mold.
That's BS. Look at who Christ dined with. Look at who he reached out to. He was in the company of prostitutes, tax collectors, adulterers, thieves, and on and on. He didn't judge. He was simply there to love them.
Can we create a place that accepts others who are pushed away? Can we love dispute our differences? I hope so. If not, I don't want anything to do with it.

In search of answers

In your opinion, what should a gathering of Christ followers look like? What is essential? What could be left out?

I am trying to get ideas of what other people hold dear. I am trying to get ideas for the new quest. Share!!

Love like Jesus

Tragedy always makes things much clearer. The two funerals I attended this weekend really broke me. However, you come away with an appreciation for life. For the present. For all the blessings you do have.

With this newly renewed view of life, I was deeply angered by the way others treat some people. Many people treat others like dirt. The ones who don't care to love others claim they are Christians, but where is it reflected in their behavior?
They don't stop to think what repercussions their rude, arrogant, self-righteous behavior can have. They drive the one they treat horribly to depression. He doesn't think he is good enough. That he can't do anything to fit in.
It is scary, as a person who witnessed the devastation of suicide, to think of the causes. What if the person being treated poorly thinks there is no way out? What if he/she becomes so lonely that his/her thoughts turn to suicide?
I am VERY angry and sad and worried right now. I want to say to my brother, that there are people out there who deserve to be your friend. People who treat you like this do not deserve your friendship. Take the time to search for people who are willing to love you like Jesus. They deserve your love. I am sorry that you have (had) people in your life who have hurt you. I am sorry that they caused you pain. Please know that I love you, and that Jesus loves you too. Sometimes the cards we are dealt suck, but they just need to be played, and then we can move on. We move on with more experience, more knowledge, and a greater self awareness.

Catastrophic

Crap happens. Sorry but it does.
Crap happens and then we get pissed off. We get pissed off and vengeful. We start to gossip about why we are pissed off. We start to justify our hatred. We become low. We are the opposite of Jesus.
Why does it take a catastrophic event to change our minds? To make us realize that we were always wrong. To realize that not only had I been hurt, but that I had hurt others. Why would I wait until a death occurred to apologize? To seek forgiveness. What if the person that I was sparring with died? I would have never been able to say that I was sorry, that I was wrong.
I am saddened by the event--the death. However, I am joyful that God pushed me to make things right.
I never realized how much I missed the people I bad mouthed. I never realized what an impact that group of people had on my life. I am so thankful that things have begun to repair themselves-with Gods strong hand pushing us. I am very excited to have another go with these group of friends. I hope that this time, I will be a better Christian and friend.
Thank God for two, and three, and seventy-seven chances.

Please, read the last post I made if you were in anyway involved in the Quest. We need to start brainstorming...Leave comments about your ideas and visions.

Random

These are very scattered and random thoughts. Please add to them:

I love flowers. I love taking their pictures. I hate caring for them. I would rather have silk ones. But live ones are so beautiful.

The Quest:
Could it be a place for small groups to gather. My vision right now is a place set up with small tables and booths. Coffee, smoothies, and snacks. Maybe an outline for discussion, or a topic and some corresponding verses are on the tables. As small groups you explore the verses. Then there is a short discussion as a whole and then time to sing your heart out. I know its not perfect, but what if?

I think that we tried to emphasize being different so much that we got away from the main purpose...God, seeking a relationship with Him. I don't think that it is that important to be different from a church service. What matters is that we were drawing people from all different walks of life, and they found a place to call their own.

What if people could bring their instruments for a jam session. Open mike. Again, a reason to gather.

My hearts cry right now is to reach out to people who are displaced by 'church'. The Quest drew people who didn't fit in anywhere else. Sometimes it was hard to love them, but it is our calling. Look who Jesus hung out with...

What if we did it at someone's house every once in a while? A cook out. A bonfire. Some singing. This is a great way to create community. People have fun and are relaxed in this type of setting. Its more personal, more close-knit. I would be willing to host.

What if we let other people interested in leading worship lead. I love Joey, but I think every week wears him out. Maybe once a month we could allow someone else to take the reigns. Something that I learned at our church is that it doesn't matter what the person up front is like. Whether they can sing or not, whether they are keeping a beat, etc, but it is my attitude of worship. We might not have the best people once in a while, but its our outlook and us focusing on God instead of the person upfront.

I think that we need to make it less about the event and more about community. More about caring and praying for each other. More about loving each other through it all. More about hanging out and laughing. More about providing a place to meet others and catch up with each other.

We need to exist to bring people on all walks of life together for a common purpose. To find others to walk with them on their path to Christ. The journey is not easy, but at least they will know other travelers.

Respond!! I want your ideas too! We need to get this rolling, the Quest needs to exist in some form!

Encouraging

I just recently have started to poke around others journal sites more. I read the comments and click on the commenter. I arrive at a completely foreign site. I love to see other people's pictures and read a little about other people. Its so encouraging to see people, young adults, who love the Lord.
One of the best experiences I had with this was at a Passion concert. My husband and I went-we are fairly young still :)- with a bunch of other people. It was amazing to watch the crowd. They were immersed. Hands were held high. Voices were loud. I couldn't help crying. It was beautiful.
I don't remember there being a need for God from an age group like this before. (approximately 18-35yrs). Now more than even there needs to be a place that exists for them to fellowship/hang out.--HINT HINT--not so subtle.
It is so encouraging to find others who are devoted to growing in a relationship with Christ-I hate the word 'religious', so I won't use it :)



the quest needs to exist. we need a place to gather.

A thought

Our lives are busy. We rush through our day. We wake up late and in a bad mood. We take a shower. We rush out the door forgetting to brush our teeth. We eat our breakfast in the car. We start our day in a rush and in a bad mood. It doesn't seem to end there though. We continue this hurried pace throughout the day. Even when we get home we rush for dinner. When we finally slow down and put our feet up, it's infront of the television.
Where is there time in there for God?

Desperation

I can't imagine the thoughts that must go through someone's mind when they ponder taking their own life.
There must be such desperation. A loss of all hope. A wild desire to escape. A sense of bitter loneliness.
This type of thought pattern must come from a dark, hopeless place. A place where ending your life is the only way out. A place where there is no light. There is no love. There is no second chance.

It makes me utterly sad that a person could think there is no hope. That they feel so alone. Its hard to conceive.

I want to scream, "there is a second chance, and a third, and a fourth, and a one hundredth! I am a perfect example of what God's loving mercy and grace is capable of. I will never be lonely because he is always there. I will never be hopeless because he gives hope. I will never be unloved because of his awesome love."
and in my frustration I will gently remind them that God loves them. He is always there for them. There isn't anything that he can't do. He has always loved them, he has always been by their side, even if they couldn't tell.

Its hard to say what happens to a person who commits suicide after death. I pray that somehow, in the midst of lying there the light shone through. I pray that God worked even when she couldn't breathe on her own. I pray that she heard the promises of God. I pray that she was able to call out to him in midst of her last hour.

Dog tired.

I am tired. My feet are tired. My brain is tired. My eyes are tired.

School starts, and I become a zombie once again. I can't get enough sleep. I can't work through the entire day without wanting to curl up on the floor.

I am even too tired to write an entry.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Serve to be served?

I was awkwardly reminded a week ago of a talk I gave at the Quest many moons ago...

It was move day. We had our new house. It was painted fun shades of guacamole and dune. The carpet was vacuumed. Our dark appliances had just been dropped off.
I was stressed. I was angry. I was vicious.
How could they? How could people I served not want to serve me back? That's what serving is isn't it? I scratch your back and you scratch mine?
"Well" said the voice in my head "Not really. Remember your talk on serving? You said that we did it out of love. That we shouldn't serve with expectations of repayment".
Okay, I remember. But that can't be applied in this situation, can it? We-Greg more than me--helped a countless number of our friends move. Why are they all bailing out on us?
Nothing seemed to be going right. We couldn't find the keys for the van. We had no help. I was irate. Screaming at my brother only eased my burning stomach temporarily.

The voice was right. I felt like poop. I was mean and demanding and expected people to serve us back. That isn't the purpose of serving. The only motivation we should bring into serving others is love. I don't think Jesus expects us to repay him for his ultimate sacrifice. How could we? What could we do to repay a debt that large. No amount of money could finance that. I was wrong, I admit it. My motivation at the time I was serving wasn't that someday they would have to help us move too. It was simply helping a friend. But now, in crunch time I recall the service and expect payment. Wow, that's low. I suck sometimes.

School's In

Well, here I am again. Back at my desk, typing on my computer. Teaching summer school has been fun, it has given me something to do to keep my mind off the house.
Speaking of-we close on it tomorrow afternoon and when we sign our life away, we get the keys!! I am so excited that the days cannot go by quick enough.
I apologize that the only thing I blog about is the house. I am so excited that I can't think of anything else.
I hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully I will think of something different to write about next time.

Dog Days of Summer

I like the summer, but I hate the heat. I could live with mid-seventies the entire summer. It has been so hot lately, that I am afraid what August and even September will be like. The heat makes it difficult for my students, and myself, to function in the classroom.
The free and lazy days of summer are sure whittling down. Next week, I start teaching summer school, for two weeks. Then have another week of break, then back to the confines of school walls. I am looking forward to it, however.
Lately, Greg and I are working on buying a house. We have a house, made a bid on it, the bid was accepted, had it inspected, the inspecation went well, and we are just waiting on the mortgage company. We were pre-apporved, so I am hoping the ball will start rolling, and quickly! We have so man plans that it would be great to be able to get in there before I start teaching again. Its funny how exciting and stressful the whole process can be. Our closing deadline is August 19th, so that is the latest possible date we will get in. It seems like it cannot come quick enough, but then out of know where it will be here.
Life is so odd sometimes.
I hope everyone is having a great summer as well. I will be posting more in the fall, hopefully. God Bless!

Free!!

Now that summer break is here, and I am no longer handcuffed to a computer, I am taking advantage of my free time. I am stil around, but not on the cpu as much. I think I have not even typed on a keyboard in two weeks. It is refreshing to have time off--definately a perk of the job :)
Thanks for caring everoyne :)
Greg and I have been starting to seriously house hunt. I forgot how stressful it can be. There are so many things to consider--especially future family plans. It is such a big commitment to. It makes me sick to think about it. We looked at three houses this weekend and drove by countless others. How do you know if God wants you in a certain house or not. Does he even care where you live?
It just seems like a house is a speck on God's plan for your life. you can impact the people around anywhere you live. So, does the house really matter?
Everyone says pray about it, pray about it...ok. What am I waiting for. An open door? What if the door opens and its not the right one.
AHHH! we just started this, and already I am stressed out.