On My Own

Well, Greg has been gone for six days now. He will still be gone for four more days. For the first time in my life, I am on my own. Think about it...I moved out when I was 21, but I was married. Greg and I have lived in a couple of different places together, but I have never lived alone.

At first I was devastated. It was hard saying goodbye. However, then I was excited because I could have fun and not have to worry about getting home. Then I was lonely. I realized how much I took Greg being at home for granted. He is someone to talk to about little, silly things. He is someone to just cuddle with and not have to say anything at all. He is someone who is my rock and strength when I need uplifting. He is someone who cheers me up when I am down. He is someone who makes me laugh. All these little things, I missed immediately, and still do.

I am excited he took the opportunity to go to Mexico. I am excited he is thrilled to be there, and that he is an example of God's love to others. I am excited he is following God's command, love the least of these.

However, I miss him. I talk to him every night with mixed emotions. Wanting him home. Wanting him to have a great time there. Wanting him to experience God. Either way, I am counting the days to when he gets home.

Bread Crumbs

This book I am reading, God Chasers, is amazing. I was so pumped up by just reading the introduction.

I have learned that I am not alone. I am not the only one in the world who feels empty even after going to church. I am not the only one who feels like the church is not doing what it supposed to be doing. I am not the only one who wants more.

These people, says T.Tenny, are called God chasers. God chasers don't want to know more about God, they just want to know God more. The bible is a nice image of where God was, but we want to know where God is now. We want to see what he is doing in our time.

The latest chapter that I have read dealt with being satisfied with 'bread crumbs', or little bits of God's presence. Largely, the church has become satisfied with how God has worked in the past or the little ways He is working instead of seeking more of His presence. More of His face.

I find myself compelled to know how to do this. How do I seek Him, how do I find more of Him, how do I catch Him? Right now, the only answer that has been revealed is repentance. Additionally, the author said we can't really catch God, but we can capture His heart. If we are motivated into action by trying to seek God's heart we are motivated for the right reasons. Does what I do capture His heart? Not currently.

The author challenges the reader to stop living the life they are living. To watch different TV shows and to read different books, and to spend more time with God than both of the other things combined. I tried. I was more conscious of what I watched this weekend and how I talked. I spent time in this book and in the word instead of playing my new video game. My motivation? I want to capture the heart of God! What a thought!

An Escape Route

I heard a song the other night that I really hadn't paid attention to in the past. It was blaring from a WOW CD in my car. I couldn't help but wonder what it meant... The singer was begging, in the song's chorus, for God to be his escape.

I wondered if that is how it should be. I know that God can and has rescued us, but is that how our relationship should be? A rescuer and a victim? I don't think so.

I guess when I heard that song, I felt more like if your relationship was like that, then God was almost like your back-up plan. Just like how robbers have a plan A and if that doesn't go right, then they will fall back on their plan B. I know that is not how God wants our relationship to be with him. I know that he doesn't want us to just walk through life alone, and then when we get 'ran over' call out for him.

I am humbled to say, though, that is the way my relationship seems to be most of the time. When things are coming up daisies, God is further from my mind than when I am stuck in the mud.

I am learned enough to know that God wants a relationship despite the state of our lives on earth. We need to draw closer even when we aren't suffering. Praise him when things are amazing and when things are awful. I am speaking to myself more than anyone.

Reading for the Soul

This weekend my hubby and I rearranged our spare room too add a piece of furniture, a bookshelf, and take another out to use in the basement. We came across a lot of things that we either needed to toss or that needed to be returned to their original owners-oops!
I found a book that I am going to start reading. It was my dad's that I am sure he loaned out to me forever ago. It is called God Chasers. I am excited to read it because that is what I am not doing right now. I am walking on other paths trying to avoid him for the time being. I realize I should be running after him, but I am running away.
I am hoping this book will be inspiring and speak to my heart. I normally only read fiction books. However, I realize the need to read something that will help me out, not only allow me to escape. Ask me how the reading is going. Hopefully I will start soon.

The Face in the Mirror

It's hard sometimes to look at yourself and know truly who you are.

I have difficulty being true to myself in many situations. A few people really know who I am, however, many do not. Sometimes I don't even know who I am.

For some people I can put on the personality of a submissive, quiet, introverted person. For others my personality is loud, obnoxious, and somewhat offensive. For still others I am wounded, insecure, and fragile. In my mirror I see a girl who is a mix of all of these. I am loud and somewhat obnoxious. I am insecure and sometimes introverted. I am a wild, odd mix of all of these.

I have a hard time not changing who I am when I am with different groups of people. I get so disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I can't reveal the real me. That I am so insecure about people liking the real me.

In the same breath, however, I ask myself, "who are you really?" It's hard to show people the real me if I don't even know.

In my life, right now I feel like I am wandering. I am aimlessly pacing in between God and the world. I am ashamed to admit, but I don't know if I care enough to jump head first into a relationship with the Creator. How awful that must sound.

I wish I could just be a headstrong follower of Christ who doesn't change. Who isn't ashamed. Who is steadfast and consistent with her beliefs and practices no matter whose presence she is in.

I wish I could climb out of this hole I have dug myself into. I wish I felt something, either hate or love, towards this God of mine. I wish I cold run back and pledge my love again, but I can't because I know I will just run away again.

So I am here. A not-so committed, unsure, and lost person wishing I had enough guts to follow Christ the way I know I should.

Welcome the Newest DeGlopper

I am not a cat person. Lately, though, I have been asking for anything. A cat. A dog. A baby. It was always no. Nothing. Just Greg and I. Until...
Greg called me Friday around three while I was at school. He said, "I know this is probably a stupid question, but do you want a cat?"
The back story- Someone from Greg's work needed to get rid of their cat. He wasn't getting along with their other cat, and they wanted to get a dog in the summer. He is neutered, declawed, and trained. He is already named Tigger, and knows it too well for us to change it. The best part: they were going to give him to us for free.
I was so excited! I had a million questions. I wanted to see him first. We went to see him that night. He immediately came up to us and wanted his belly rubbed-odd for a cat.
So I was in love. I had to have him. We went out, bought all his things, and brought him home that night.
He adjusted well. He is very cuddly and loves attention.
The thing is, though, it is like we now have a kid in the house. We have to watch to make sure he isn't getting into my plants-again. Greg takes care of the discipline, and I am more the care-giver. I give him his food and water and special treats. Honestly, this cat has taken away the urgency I felt to have a baby. I know babies aren't this easy, but it is a way for us to care for something else and have a responsibility for something else together. It is funny to hear Greg talk to the cat and refer to me as Mommy. I like it.
I also like the welcome home meows and the purring wake-up calls. It is fun to have something else in the house to share our love with. Tigger is making me a cat person!

The Big Picture

Well, it is finished! The picture is of our finished kitchen. It took a full week, six different kinds of paint, many man hours, and some tears. I love the new look and the new feel when I walk into my redecorated kitchen. I think that we managed to take the shock factor away from our bright orange counter tops (you might not agree :)
Throughout the process of redecorating, however, there were many times I wasn't sure I liked what I saw. At one point, I had even told Greg that I hated it. I did, at that moment. I hated the orange. I hated the yellow. I hated the white moldings. I hated how it all went together.
I feel in life, we are sometimes like that. We are quick to judge, many different things and/or events, just from a few pieces of the puzzle. If my life is going smoothly I will say "I love my life", but if my life has taken a turn onto some hard times I shout "I hate my life".
I wonder if God, even though he knows the end result, I wonder if he throws up his hands in frustration. He knows the end, but I am sure that at times, numerous times for me, he is angry, sad, and jealous.
I think, for me especially, that I need to look more toward the future. That I need to stop making snap judgments and wallowing in the present. For example when I was crying about how much I hated the kitchen a few days into the painting. I also am known to cry for other reasons when I am wallowing in self-pity.
I know I wasn't promised an easy life on earth. I also know that this isn't all there is for me. There is a perfect life planned for me in heaven. For all eternity.
Just like I love the end result of my kitchen, even though the process wasn't easy; I will be joyous in heaven, even though life on earth is hard.

Spell it Out

I wish that God gave us a life instruction manual. Something that allowed us to understand better how to deal with this life that we have been dealt. Some problems we encounter are brought on by our choices, while others just seem to fall on our laps, unwanted.

I wish that there was something that said if this happened to you check page four for the answer. I know there is the bible. But when you read only when you are in pain, you often twist the meaning to accommodate your problems.

We live complex lives in a mean, competitive world. The answers are never easy. The problems I encounter are never the exact replica of your problems. An answer to my problem may not be the same solution for yours.

I know that some people reading this would say, " there is an answer, Jesus! HE is the answer to all our problems." Which is true. When there is sorrow, he offers joy. When there is death, he offers life. We can use his example to get us though life. We can call on his name in both good times and bad. He is a source of comfort and peace. However, I am one of those people who likes things spelled out for me. The bible needs a section that says if your husband is unfaithful these are the steps to follow if you want to reconcile, or follow these steps to get a divorce. Or it needs a section for how to repair damaged relationships. If your relationship is failing do this to repair it. That would be much easier.

This seems like a season for broken relationships. Not mine, but of many people around me. It makes me sad. People who you have looked up to as a great example of love and faithfulness are getting divorced. People who thought they were secure in love, feel cheated and lost because of love.

My prayer is that you take the time to mend relationships that have been hurt. Look to Jesus as an example of unconditional love.

I love when it is sunny. The hint of a morning sun instantly picks up my spirits. After a couple weeks of gloominess, the sun is a welcome interruption.
There are so many things out there that we allow to affect our moods. The weather. Friends. Work. Health. Amount of sleep. Circumstances. What we ate last night. We allow outside things to influence our internal feelings. We allow these things to make us mad. To make us sad. Or to depress us. Its so easy.
It is also easier for us to say "the sun didn't come out today, so I am sad. It is gloomy outside, so I feel depressed." It is so much more difficult to conquer the feelings that outside sources might suggest to us. It is much more difficult to overcome those ideas and actually decide to smile or to feel joy.
So often we allow ourselves to be influenced by these unimportant issues that we forget who should be the biggest influence in our lives. He is just kind of on the sideline as we go through our depressed state. We forget to look toward him to give us the joy that is for whatever reason missing from our lives at that moment.
However funny it sounds, though, the sunshine reminds me to praise him. To live love. To be thankful.
As I drove the six minutes to school this morning, the sun was just starting to rise. It made me smile. I popped in my old Matt Redman- Facedown- CD and sang the whole way to school. What a great way to start off my day. It put me into the right attitude.
The sun doesn't shine all the time in Michigan, though. I need to let God be the 'sunshine' in my life. I need to wake up praising him even when it is cloudy. Or when I am having problems at work. Or when I ate a banana split last night. Or when my hubby is crabby with me. I need to stop allowing these outside, less important issues cloud my relationship with God. I have a long way to go.

Traditions

I am normally one who shies away from traditions. Especially ones that are found in the church. However, there are some great things about traditions that I have recently encountered. Traditions are there to pass things along from one generation to another. We are able to experience what past generations did through following their traditions.

I think that was the best thing about this break. Traditions. Following old ones and making new ones.

My favorite old tradition occurs on Christmas Eve. (dad, how long has this been going on?) I think I have been at Nana and Popa's for all 24 years of my life, at least. We go to my dad's family late on Christmas Eve. We eat appetizers, drink wine, and talk. We exchange gifts. We talk more. I love it. We stay late into the night-well, really, we stay early into Christmas morning-spending quality time with our family. Family that we really don't see that often throughout the year.

My favorite new tradition, that is only in its third year, is going to my parents on Christmas morning. We go, still in our jammies, exchange gifts, and eat breakfast. It is always a big event for my dad, who is a good cook. He went above and beyond this year by making stuffed French toast topped with blueberries, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, grapefruit, and mimosas--mom helped too; she would be mad if I left her efforts unnoticed. It is great to spend that time with my parents and brothers. It is always a fun thing to do. This year we even had enough time to stay and watch some of Matt's Family Guy season 1, and take a nap.

This break was refreshing. I would be lying, however, if I said that I wasn't looking forward to returning to work. I was excited to see how my students' vacations went. I really enjoyed spending a lot of time with my hubby. Thank God, however, that we both had job to return to, because if we were home together every minute of each day all the time, we would definitely kill each other. Too much of a good thing is just that, TOO much!

Can You Hear It?

Christmas is coming near,
Can you hear it?
Christmas is drawing closer,
Can you feel it?
Christmas is almost upon us,
Can you see it?

'It' is the love of Jesus
Wrapped in swaddling cloth.
'It' is the sacrifice
Nailed upon the cross.
'It' is the joy of salvation
Held in tiny hands.

We can remember His sacrifice,
His love,
His peace,
His joy,
His saving grace,
Not only now, but year round.

May you take a chance and share 'it',
Exit your comfort zone,
Take a risk,
And love.
Love hard.
Love like Jesus loves you.

Christmas Snow with Palm Trees

I love the snow. I love it. I hate the cold. I hate it.

If the snow would come without the cold, I would be so excited. The snow is just a indicator that Christmas is near. The soft white coats on everything looks cozy. It makes me want to cuddle up and nap. Then, at night, I love the warm glow of Christmas lights. It just seems like such a happy time of the year.

After Christmas, I am ready for the snow to melt and the palm trees to appear. Palm trees have to be my favoritest part of nature. Most likely because we don't have them here in MI. I have a picture of me with a palm tree in every warm place that we have been to. They remind me of tropical locations and fun in the sun. I wish they could grow here.

I couldn't imagine Christmas here without snow, but now Christmas with snow and palm trees would be amazing!

Its so true that you always want what you don't have, isn't it.

Quite a silly entry, but as I look out my classroom window, I can only think of Christmas and palm trees-go figure.

Family is priceless...

I have both my mom and dad still with us, and married. I have two younger brothers, Matt and Ryan. I have my husband, Greg. And that's just MY immediate family here in Port Huron.

This weekend, I was in my cousin Gwyn's wedding. There were a lot of family members there that I haven't seen in a long time. It was fun to talk with them, and to also hang out with my parents and brothers.

Greg and I have a friend who is going through a particularly tough time in his life right now. He actually hung out with us and my parents and brothers yesterday. We took him in and made him part of our family. He got a little break from all the thoughts running through his head and was able to eat, laugh, and relax with us.

I love that I have a family who is willing to take in others. Who is loving and caring and God-fearing. This Christmas, the best gift of all is my family. They mean so much to me in many different ways:

Mom--to someone who is now my good friend. She makes me laugh and is fun to pick on :) She is a strong woman who carries the burdens of her children and husband on her shoulders. She has inspired me to have the courage to wade through all the crap in my life because there is always something better. She is amazing.
Dad--to someone who is a great rock. He is always bringing up the sensible options to me and encouraging me to look past my hurt feelings. He is funny and will always remain a child at heart. He has shown me how to love Jesus and others by the way thatt he loves us. He loves us even when we are flipping him off or chewing him out. He is amazing.
Matt--to someone who is always intriguing. Unlike dad, Matt often hides his emotions, but we have always been able to open up to each other. He keeps on swimming even though life is always pulling him under. He is loving and compassionate. He is amazing.
Ryan--to someone who is the family teddy bear. Ry got the bulk of dad's heart-on-his-sleeves emotions. It is fun to toy with him and get him worked up, but he will always be loved. He is honest and fun to be around. He cares for people more than I ever could. His heart is huge! He is amazing.
Greg--to someone who is my best friend. He keeps me grounded when I need to be, but he also pushes me to strive for my dreams. He always makes me laugh and won't let me just be grumpy. He is the person I turn to for comfort, peace, love, and strength. He is amazing.

Family is priceless, and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

Falling off the Wagon

Well, I was doing good changing my life into a more healthily lifestyle. But, it is so easy to eat bad foods. Not only because they are easier to get, but because they are what my brain tells me I want. I love French fries, cheese burgers, ice cream, cookies...And on for a few pages. I love a lot of the things that all fat Americans love.
I was brought back to reality this week when I weighed in .4lbs (four tenths!) higher than last week. Not much, but enough. I gain quick! I need to get off my lazy butt and walk more. I need to push myself to feel better like I did a few weeks ago.
I still feel good. My clothes are loose, but I let myself get tricked into thinking that chocolate or a greasy hamburger will make me feel better than a workout on the treadmill. Honestly, I feel wonderful after I work out, so why do I still crave the sloshy feeling of being too full on crappy food? Who knows?

I was hoping to loose more weight before my cousin's wedding, but too bad. Times up and this is one last-minute situation that I cannot BS out of. I will still have fun. I am very excited for the two of them, now they can join in on our funny conversations- LOL, sorry a bit of an inside joke...

Well, strapless wedding dress here I come, ready or not.

Christmas Gift

I am very excited for Christmas. I get this way every year. Not only for the gifts I will get, but especially for the gifts that I give. I love giving gifts to other people. I love brightening their day, and making them feel special. My hubby is quite ticked at me right now, because he assumes he is not getting the one thing he asked for. I have given him a pretty good story as to why he is not getting it, so I am not helping things at all :) I am not good at keeping secrets, and I have never pulled one over on him, so it would be great if he didn't know what he is getting this year.

An email I recently received helped me, however, refocus. This email was written from the perspective of God. He writes that he is excited it is his birthday, and it is the one time of the year that people think about him the most. He write that he doesn't usually get an invitation to His own birthday parties. However, He goes any way. Eventually, He leaves after He is forgotten between meals, presents, and drinks. It made me sad. I, too, forget to invite Jesus to His own birthday party. I forget to acknowledge Him at a celebration in His honor. This year, I want to remember Jesus before I open gifts, eat yummy treats, and drink homemade wine. I want Him to be the focus as we gather to celebrate Him. I want Him to feel honored and remembered. I want to feel humble and joyful for the great gift He gave.

This Christmas I can remember Jesus and His great gift by loving others. I can reflect the love of Christ by being patient, caring, and helpful. I want Jesus to be first this CHRISTmas.

A Pinhole of Light

Dear Lord,

I come to you broken. I come before you angry. I cry out to you a helpless person. I come to you on behalf of my brother. My brother, who is also broken. Angry. Lonely. My brother who asks, "why does God hate me?". I come to you on his behalf.
Trials in life are hard, Lord. Matt has had a very difficult, trying year. I know that pain and trials of faith are part of this life. I know that Job was extraordinary in dealing with all the things that were thrown his way. However, it is so hard to see your love from the deepest, darkest tunnel. It is hard to learn from the trials and tests when you never seem to surface in between them. It's difficult to sense something better when you are defeated and lacking self confidence.
I come before you Lord to ask that you bless Matt. That you take him in your arms and allow him to experience joy and happiness. That you send people into his life that are friends, who love him without conditions. Allow him companionship to combat his loneliness.
Lord, I don't know if I can offer this, but I am willing to take on any trials or pain in Matt's place. This thought was difficult for me, but I would rather allow Matt happiness and joy in his life instead of suffering and sadness.
Lord, more than anything I want Matt to find his purpose. I want him to be excited about life, instead of dreading it. Please Lord, shower him with your peace and joy.
In Your Most Holy and Precious Name I pray,
AMEN

To Matt: A song that has been going through my head for the past couple weeks makes sense now. Its a part of the chorus from a song on the new Third Day album. It goes:

There's a light at the end of the tunnel,
there's a light at the end of the tunnel,
For you, for you.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel,
Shining bright at the end of the tunnel,
For you, for you.

Keep holding on, Keep holding on.

I know, Matt, that this year has been a disappointment. I know that you are feeling unloved and angry. As cliche as it may sound, there truly is an end to this suffering somewhere. God does love you, even though you don't feel it right now. I will always be here for you to talk to or lean on. I don't live to far, come and visit. You are forever in my thoughts and prayers.

A Thankful Thanksgiving

This is the time to spend time with God to thank Him for all that he has done and is doing in your lives.

I am thankful for my friends who are like a second family to me. We have had a great time eating dinner, sharing stories, encouraging each other, and laughing at each other. I look forward to the time I get to spend with them every week.

I am thankful for my family. I have an amazing mom and dad, who are still married, and they serve as great role models in my life. I also have a fun family. We can always count on laughing when we get together. I have two great brothers who are always keeping me on my toes and keeping my comebacks up to date. I am truly blessed because of my family.

I am thankful for my wonderful hubby. He is sweet, and real, and honest. He doesn't always say what I want to hear, but he always keeps it real. He makes me laugh every day. I appreciate him for putting up with me. He is a great friend, family member, and husband.

I am thankful for my job. I love coming to school everyday knowing that not only will I have the opportunity to teach some wonderful boys, but I will also learn some amazing life lessons from them as well.

I am thankful that I live in a country where I am free to worship as I please.

I am thankful that Greg and I have the ability to support a child, through World Vision. His name is Thokoa, and he and his family could use all the prayers you could muster.

I am thankful that I am simply alive. I am alive because of an enormous self-denying sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross. If it weren't for him I would be wandering through life, lost and alone. Now, I am never alone. I don't need to ever be afraid. And I can be sure that I will see Him one fine day.

Lesson of Pain

I have been presented with this a lot lately...

The opening act at Todd Agnew's concert was a woman named Joy Whitlock. In the program she had this to say about pain:

"...Pain is not working against us. It brings us closer to the one who knows pain better than anyone else...Jesus Christ. He understands and hurts right along with us. When we are persecuted, He is persecuted. When we cry, He cries. And when we laugh...He laughs too. He goes through life with us and in us. And our life struggles and heartache only remind us that we are not alone. It shows us of his love. It shows us that if we fall, He will fall with us."

Another reminder of how the pain in our life is used for good was an email my grandparents recently sent to me. It basically compared the little struggles and pains in our lives to the ingredients in a cake. Alone eggs, flour, and sugar aren't very appetizing. However, when combined, they are yummy. Likewise the pain in our life is confusing while we experience it. However, later, the pain is combined for good. It helps us to learn and redirect. God put everything together to work for His good. God's plan isn't to torture us or for us to be miserable. Oppositely he wants us to deal with the pain we encounter and still be joyful. The one quote that I loved from that email was:

God is crazy about you.
He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.
He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

He also sends us snow in November :)

I pray that God will help me use my painful experiences for good. That he would open my eyes to his ultimate plan for me. I do have a tough time with pain, and death, as you know.

Dealing With Death

I have a problem with death. I have a very difficult time even thinking that I will eventually lose someone close to me. I am blessed because no one in my family has died yet, but I know that it will eventually happen.
I went to a concert and the guy on stage was talking (Todd Agnew) about death. About how we want to hang on. The example he gave was of a single person saying that he didn't want to die until he was married. My hang up is that I didn't want to die until I became a mother. Then, however, he said something that really made sense.
What joy on earth could we experience that would be even close to the joy that we would feel in heaven? What we experience on earth is just a taste of the joy of heaven. We have just been given little glimpses into the excitement and happiness that we will feel with Jesus.
How could being a mother make me want to delay seeing Jesus? How could I even say, "Lord, I want to be with you, but I want to experience motherhood first" I am putting a condition on going to heaven. I realize now, that I do want to be a mother, but it is not a condition of my death.
I can't really understand, due to my limitations, what the joy in heaven would be like. What it would be like to feel no pain and to be happy constantly? How would I feel being in the presence of the creator? It's hard to say 'take me', but I do know that I will never experience something on earth that is greater than the joy in heaven.
Additionally, when I tell God to not take my family from me, I am again being selfish. I know that when they die, they will bathing in the glory of God in heaven. It will still be sad to see them go, but it will be reassuring to know that God is walking with them now, literally.
Death is a touchy subject for me, but I am beginning to understand that our journey on earth is just the beginning. Earth is not where we are meant to stay. Whenever you want to take me home Lord, I am ready.

Un-chained

I feel good. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Awhile ago I wrote about a ravenous addiction that I have. An addiction that controls my thoughts, my actions and even my moods. An addiction so strong that I go to bed thinking about it and wake up starving for it.
Finally, I am starting to take control again. Food has lost some of its power. It's not the fact that I am losing a little weight (2.8 lbs this week. Yahoo!), but the fact that I am now controlling my cravings instead of my cravings controlling me.
I wake up feeling good and I go to bed excited for tomorrow. My mid-day slump isn't as crippling. I am starting to get control of my eating habits and it is helping every aspect of my life.
It's not always easy. Greg takes care to eat too much junk in front of me, however I still want whatever he has. I still want greasy French fries and double cheeseburgers and gobs of ice cream. The only difference is that I am not always giving into what I want. I am not letting the desire overcome my will power. It feel good to have control over something so minor.
I forget what its like, sometimes, to have energy. Working out gives me great energy, I love the way I feel. Even the little aches and pains from not walking for months make me smile because I know I did something good for myself.

Sorry, I am sure all this self-love is making you sick. Just had to share the latest breakthrough.

Wanderer

Do you ever feel lost? Well, not lost really but, not found either.

I feel like I have wandered from the path--the path of righteousness. I get back on the path, but once I feel comfortable, I venture on my own. I walk around the 'woods' for awhile, and then I have no idea where the path is. If you know me, you know that I am no good with a map, and I am even more helpless with a compass.
I feel like I am just wandering. I am walking around in my own little world. I am only turning to look for God when I am stuck or bored or desperate. I call out to Him when I am frustrated, but not when I am content. I opened my bible for the first time in months, but only to look for verses or sayings to add to a future tattoo.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I can never have a continually good relationship with God. I am a bad weather friend instead of a fair weather friend. I call out to Him when things are messy or when an effort needs to be given-more than I want to produce. I am not willing to put in time to sustain a relationship. My marriage wouldn't survive if I just came home when I needed something, or when I was bored-even though Greg might like that.
I know that everyone has hills and valleys. I am just sharing my portion of my journey right now. I am not perfect. I don't do what I always should, and I don't try like I should.
The biggest problem is not that I am wandering, but that I am not unhappy with where I am. It is a problems that I don't have a great desire to change as of yet. That is why, I have concluded, that I experience pain. Pain is the only way that I come back to Him. What a lousy friend I am.

Community

Well, last night was fun, except that Joe and baby M didn't think they were invited. What dorks, I swear that I implied their invitation and I was talking about it in front of them. If only Jaycee could talk , I know that she would remember...

Dinner at the DeGloppers went well. We ate, talked, and shared life. That was the goal. It was fun, I think my hubby even enjoyed himself-except for Jaycee screaming all night, lol, well not all night. I had fun hanging out with people we don't get to see very often.

The weekend can't come quick enough. I am worn out this week. The kids were pretty wired from Halloween until Wednesday. Things are starting to go back to normal now, though. I am very much anticipating a relaxing weekend. I will sleep in, watch some tv, and work on my Christmas cards. It's kind of nice to not have any plans and not be running around with our heads cut off.

Today is my second day of weight watchers. I feel really good. I plan on walking tonight, hopefully the weather is nice and I can walk outside. I love fall walks with Gregory! I can't believe it is November! Thanksgiving is in a few weeks, and that is a whole other story...

Greg volunteered us to have Thanksgiving at our house, but I have never cooked a turkey before. AND I have never cooked for twelve people before! Oh, MY!

Hope everyone has a nice, relaxing weekend. I will definitely try.

Brain Freeze

Well, Halloween has come and gone. We had a good time at trunk-or-treat, even though I was secretly wishing I could have been home passing out candy and meeting a couple people in the neighborhood.
We start dinner at the DeGloppers on Thursday. I am excited to start, but my hubby is a little less ambitious. I know it will be a fun time to hang out with people. That's all I really have to say I guess. Pray for us. Pray for God to move. Even if we are just eating dinner.

I have been thinking this weekend...

If we want the goal of the church to be community, then why do we expect people to come out to our out-of-the way buildings? Four churches in the area are having trunk or treat at their churches. We have done it with our church for the last couple years, and we are doing it this year. However, I was thinking yesterday. If we are all supposed to be billboards for Christ, how are we going to show God's love to other people if we are all gathered as a group? We have recognized the need to get into the community and shine for Christ. I should be at home handing out candy to the children of the community. I should be getting to know my neighbors. I should be in my own neighborhood. I shouldn't be at church, expecting people to come to us. I shouldn't be secluded with other Christians. I need to integrate. Maybe this trunk or treat idea isn't such a good one. We need to be beacons in our own communities, where the people already are.

Deeper

OK, I am over my little fit from the last post. It helps so much to just get things out of your system.

I am in a strange mood today. Not happy, not sad, not mad, not glad. Just kind of here, kind of staying afloat. I don't like when men say "must be that time of the month", but truly there is nothing else I can think of that would put me in this gray mood.

I am really excited, but not right now because everything is blah at the moment, about starting up a house church. In the beginning, we are just going to eat together. We need to get to know each other and hang out. I am excited to see people that I haven't seen in awhile. Eating and praying together brings people closer. I am pumped to see how God will work with and in the group. I am desperate for deeper relationships. I am desperate for a deeper relationship with God. My effort has become null and void lately. I don't know when the last time I picked up my bible was. I don't even remember the last time I prayed. Most likely it was when I was really thinking about starting a house church...
I hope that people want a deeper relationship with each other and with God as much as I do. The biggest worry about this is people's desire to commit. One night a week doesn't seem like a big deal, but life gets in the way. People who come need to be able to commit one night, no matter what life sends their way. I am ready for this.

God please help us. Help us love each other. Help us spend more time focused on you.

Grown Up

Sometimes I get upset when I am still treated like a child. I am not old, however, I am not young either-well in my eyes. I feel like that I always have to prove that I am an adult because people look at me and think I am a kid. So if I am a 'kid' in their eyes, then I must also act like one too.

My pet peeves:
I HATE getting carded. I get carded for stupid things like fuel injection cleaner, white out, and rated R movies. I think I look older than 18.
I HATE when people think I am still a child. They look at me and think I am not responsible and careful. I am, and I would never do anything stupid to hurt anyone, especially family. I feel like, even though I am 24 and married and a teacher, that people expect me to fail. They need to talk to me like I am five and then second guess everything I say.
Sorry I needed to vent. This is kind of vague. I didn't write this to hurt anyone, but to get my feelings out.
I'm out.
When I think of something else I will write again.

Unmasked

I haven't had any deep thoughts lately. I have kind of just been a blank slate...

Its weird when you think about it. I graduated from high school in 1999. It has been just over 6 years since I was there. Honestly, I don't miss many people. I don't have a desire to see many of the people I was friends with. Looking back, I know those 'friendships' were false. I tried to be the person they wanted me to be, but I really wasn't that person. It took me meeting Greg to see that I didn't need to put up a facade. They funny thing, to me, is that I have a desire to talk to the people that I never really did know in high school-and to those I got to know my senior year. I see a person that I barely knew, but I am so interested in finding out about them. Because I had my head stuck up my butt in high school, I am sure that I missed out on a lot of great friendships. I can't go back and change; however, I can change the way I act now. I try and think about how I treat people. I try to think about what I say and how it will be taken before I say it. Sometimes, the filter is broken, and I screw up. But I am trying. I really cherish the friendships I have now. I have never had girlfriends like I do now. I have never been 'friends' with a guy and not wanted something more. Maturity is golden. I don't mind aging. With age comes wisdom. I like to be wise.

Week Update

It has been a good week so far. My husband and I spent a great weekend together. He even got me a pot of flowers for sweetest day. Being the wonderful wife that I am, I forgot.
I underestimate him sometimes. Its funny to hear him talk about what he discusses at work. Most of the time, it has to do with me. The woman at his work, if I run into them, say how much he talks about me and how much he is in love with me. I have a great husband. I need to realize how much God has blessed me by putting him into my life.

This week has also been very rewarding at work. I love my job, my students, and my paraprofessionals.

I just seem to be in a strangely upbeat mood this week. I think it helped to put my problems out there and have people reassure me, yell at me, and make fun of me. Thanks guys.

Greg and I spent all night painting our house. It will be in great shape in no time. It will be a great meeting place for a house church. I am very excited, but I am waiting to meet with JOE and dad. Slackers! Set up a meeting. I would like to talk before we dive into this.

I am getting a major baby itch. I want to be a mom. I love the thought of sharing in the making of a new life. God is responsible, but we supply the "ingredients". It seems like my hubby is coming around too. I will be bursting when he finally says "I am ready!" I am not so patiently awaiting that. Until then I will just have to spend more time with the babies that are already in my life. Jaycey and Hayden, they are very precious.

I am supposed to be starting Weight Watchers in two weeks. Pray for me! I have the weakest will power that I know of. I will be struggling, but there is a great reward at the end of the tunnel. My goal is to lose twenty pounds before I get pregnant! Here I come motherhood!

Thanks all for your love and support. I love that I can share my daily life with you via the internet.

Insane in the Membrane

I seriously have a problem. I am the most screwed up person I know.

I try to screw up every blessing in my life. I take my blessings and turn them into negatives. Instead of saying "Thanks God!" I say, "Its not good enough" or "It won't last".

I don't know why these thoughts are constantly assaulting me. They disturb my life, they corrupt my thankfulness, and they hurt my relationships. Most of the time, I can stop the thoughts in their tracks, and dismiss them as stupid insecurities. However, sometimes, when I am broken, I am too tired or too weak to stop them. They affect my life and those around me when I let them get to me.

I have been such a bitch to my husband--sorry about the word, but it perfectly describes my behavior. I have been nagging about how he isn't good enough, or how he doesn't try enough, or how he doesn't do enough to show me he cares--which isn't true. He is one of the sweetest, most caring men that I know. Why do I try to make the good bad and turn his love into hate? When I am yelling, I make myself out to be the best wife ever with a horrible husband, but really, what good wife bitches at her husband 24/7.

I went to bed after he did last night. I knew I was hurting him. I knew I was hurting us. I knew I had to apologize. I had pulled away from him all night because he said something with the wrong tone. I laid there, without touching him for awhile. I wanted to just put my arm around him and apologize, but again, thoughts were running through my head "why should I apologize, I didn't do anything wrong, he owes me" I knew these things thoughts weren't correct, loving, or of God. I finally moved toward him and kissed him. I said I was sorry, and to my surprise he pulled toward him and kissed me back he said it was okay. I knew it wasn't. I know it will most likely happen again. Next time, though, I want to be aware of what's going on. Oh God, I need help. I need to fight these thoughts that are destroying me and my attitude.

Worthwhile

I have written alot about how stressful my job is, which it is. However, once in awhile there is a ray of light that fades out the dark spots.

Once in awhile I feel like I have won the lottery. Or like I have ran a 2000K ran and won. I feel like a proud mother watching her child walk for the first time.

I love these moments. The moments that make all the stress and tears worthwhile.

I experienced a couple of these moments very recently. This is why I teach children with disabilities.

The first ray of brilliant light was brought on by a student who was so proud of his recent accomplishments that he ran up to me and hugged me and kissed my cheek.

The second ray of blinding light came from a teary-eyed mom who was proud of her child's accomplishments. She was worried he might not accomplish much because of the severity of his impairment, but she was gladly wrong.

This job is stressful, however it has unbelievable rewards. Even though, at times, I might claim to hate it, I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

Kinda Corney

Yes this is slightly corney, so don't take it seriously. But if your don't fill it out I will hunt you down. Just be kind...

DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!!

1. Who are you, what's our relationship?
2. How long have you known me?
3. Tell me one thing you think is good about me?
4. When you first saw me, what was your impression?
5. Have you ever had a crush on me?
6. Describe me in 3 words?
7. Do you think I'm hott?
8. How would you describe me to someone?
9. Would you ever date me? If you have would u do it again?
10. What do you like most about me?
11. If we could spend a day together what would we do?
12. Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years?
13. What reminds you of me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Are you going to put this on your lj and see what I say about you?
16. Do I cross your mind at least once a day?

Pumped!

I am so excited right now! I have been brainstorming, looking at other people's websites, and conversing with others. Feel free to add any comments/concerns/questions.
I have a vision. The vision is of a community of believers. This community gets together, hangs out, prays together, worships together, eats meals together, volunteers around their city, and on and on. I have a desire to be around a group of people who love God and each other. The Quest didn't do this successfully, so we are looking at a different method and approach. These guys have some great insight and ideas check them out!! http://www.missio-dei.com/
Right now, I am envisioning: one large house church. Us eating, praying, sharing life. I am excited to meet with people, that is the one thing I miss the most about the Quest. Eventually, my dream is to have many house churches. To have a central meeting location in the city. To have weekly gatherings. To volunteer at organizations in the city--not only at Christian organizations.
When do we start? Your all invited to my house!

Losing Hair

The only way I can convey how I have been feeling is to give examples of situations in which one might experience the same emotions. Close your eyes--well keep them open to read this, and imagine these...

You are stuck in traffic. It is a hot day. You have to pee. You are hungry. The guy behind you is honking endlessly, but it is accomplishing nothing. You have begun a little mantra "Come On!". It does nothing. Traffic is stuck. Your gas gauge is drifting past the E. You have been there for hours not moving.

OR

You are trapped in a small, dark room. There are no windows. There are no doors. There is no light. You have searched every inch of the walls. You have banged on them, but they are solid concrete. You have screamed and yelled until your voice became hoarse. There is no way out. You can't will your way out. You can't talk your way out. There is no getting through.

OR

You are on a sports team. Your team has talent and potential. However, you never win. It is the last game of the season. You are all doing your best. You should win. You don't. Your best proves to not be good enough. You have tried again and again to win, but you are winless.

How do you feel when you imagine these situations? They are all hypothetical, but at least I am not the only one feeling frustrated, helpless, and hopeless now. Sometimes things are so dire that the best way to fix it might be to quit. Then, one day, today. The sun came out. There is a glimmer of hope. Hopefully tomorrow the glimmer will return. If not, at least it's a Friday and I have the weekend off and it's payday.
Work sucks sometimes. Sometimes I would love to be a stay-at-home mom to be. However, there are those days where you look into the eyes of your students and you see hope. You see happiness. You see the ways that you touch them. I would love for those days to outweigh the hard days. The days that you are so stressed out you could pull your hair our, or in my case eat a boatload of ice cream. And I have had a lot of ice cream lately.

Open Arms

Listening to responses from others about a church community, and listening to the new Casting Crowns CD, I have come up with something that should be a part of every community, but unfortunately isn't.
LOVE Christ commanded us to love our neighbor as ourselves and to love God. Churches aren't often the place where this love is practiced. We stare when someone different walks in. We shun someone who is going through a divorce. We ignore the poor person sitting in the rack row.
Casting Crowns makes it a focus of so many of their songs. Where is the love that God commands us to give? Why aren't we reaching out to those who are poor in spirit? Why do we ignore the broken hearted? Why do we criticize others who aren't like us?
More than anything I want TNQ (the new Quest)to be a place where people can come in off of the streets and they feel comfortable. I want it to be inviting. I want the people there to be accepting and loving. I want us to be a mirror for Christ's love. There are so many people who are pushed away from the church because they aren't typical church material. Because they don't fit a mold.
That's BS. Look at who Christ dined with. Look at who he reached out to. He was in the company of prostitutes, tax collectors, adulterers, thieves, and on and on. He didn't judge. He was simply there to love them.
Can we create a place that accepts others who are pushed away? Can we love dispute our differences? I hope so. If not, I don't want anything to do with it.

In search of answers

In your opinion, what should a gathering of Christ followers look like? What is essential? What could be left out?

I am trying to get ideas of what other people hold dear. I am trying to get ideas for the new quest. Share!!

Love like Jesus

Tragedy always makes things much clearer. The two funerals I attended this weekend really broke me. However, you come away with an appreciation for life. For the present. For all the blessings you do have.

With this newly renewed view of life, I was deeply angered by the way others treat some people. Many people treat others like dirt. The ones who don't care to love others claim they are Christians, but where is it reflected in their behavior?
They don't stop to think what repercussions their rude, arrogant, self-righteous behavior can have. They drive the one they treat horribly to depression. He doesn't think he is good enough. That he can't do anything to fit in.
It is scary, as a person who witnessed the devastation of suicide, to think of the causes. What if the person being treated poorly thinks there is no way out? What if he/she becomes so lonely that his/her thoughts turn to suicide?
I am VERY angry and sad and worried right now. I want to say to my brother, that there are people out there who deserve to be your friend. People who treat you like this do not deserve your friendship. Take the time to search for people who are willing to love you like Jesus. They deserve your love. I am sorry that you have (had) people in your life who have hurt you. I am sorry that they caused you pain. Please know that I love you, and that Jesus loves you too. Sometimes the cards we are dealt suck, but they just need to be played, and then we can move on. We move on with more experience, more knowledge, and a greater self awareness.

Catastrophic

Crap happens. Sorry but it does.
Crap happens and then we get pissed off. We get pissed off and vengeful. We start to gossip about why we are pissed off. We start to justify our hatred. We become low. We are the opposite of Jesus.
Why does it take a catastrophic event to change our minds? To make us realize that we were always wrong. To realize that not only had I been hurt, but that I had hurt others. Why would I wait until a death occurred to apologize? To seek forgiveness. What if the person that I was sparring with died? I would have never been able to say that I was sorry, that I was wrong.
I am saddened by the event--the death. However, I am joyful that God pushed me to make things right.
I never realized how much I missed the people I bad mouthed. I never realized what an impact that group of people had on my life. I am so thankful that things have begun to repair themselves-with Gods strong hand pushing us. I am very excited to have another go with these group of friends. I hope that this time, I will be a better Christian and friend.
Thank God for two, and three, and seventy-seven chances.

Please, read the last post I made if you were in anyway involved in the Quest. We need to start brainstorming...Leave comments about your ideas and visions.

Random

These are very scattered and random thoughts. Please add to them:

I love flowers. I love taking their pictures. I hate caring for them. I would rather have silk ones. But live ones are so beautiful.

The Quest:
Could it be a place for small groups to gather. My vision right now is a place set up with small tables and booths. Coffee, smoothies, and snacks. Maybe an outline for discussion, or a topic and some corresponding verses are on the tables. As small groups you explore the verses. Then there is a short discussion as a whole and then time to sing your heart out. I know its not perfect, but what if?

I think that we tried to emphasize being different so much that we got away from the main purpose...God, seeking a relationship with Him. I don't think that it is that important to be different from a church service. What matters is that we were drawing people from all different walks of life, and they found a place to call their own.

What if people could bring their instruments for a jam session. Open mike. Again, a reason to gather.

My hearts cry right now is to reach out to people who are displaced by 'church'. The Quest drew people who didn't fit in anywhere else. Sometimes it was hard to love them, but it is our calling. Look who Jesus hung out with...

What if we did it at someone's house every once in a while? A cook out. A bonfire. Some singing. This is a great way to create community. People have fun and are relaxed in this type of setting. Its more personal, more close-knit. I would be willing to host.

What if we let other people interested in leading worship lead. I love Joey, but I think every week wears him out. Maybe once a month we could allow someone else to take the reigns. Something that I learned at our church is that it doesn't matter what the person up front is like. Whether they can sing or not, whether they are keeping a beat, etc, but it is my attitude of worship. We might not have the best people once in a while, but its our outlook and us focusing on God instead of the person upfront.

I think that we need to make it less about the event and more about community. More about caring and praying for each other. More about loving each other through it all. More about hanging out and laughing. More about providing a place to meet others and catch up with each other.

We need to exist to bring people on all walks of life together for a common purpose. To find others to walk with them on their path to Christ. The journey is not easy, but at least they will know other travelers.

Respond!! I want your ideas too! We need to get this rolling, the Quest needs to exist in some form!

Encouraging

I just recently have started to poke around others journal sites more. I read the comments and click on the commenter. I arrive at a completely foreign site. I love to see other people's pictures and read a little about other people. Its so encouraging to see people, young adults, who love the Lord.
One of the best experiences I had with this was at a Passion concert. My husband and I went-we are fairly young still :)- with a bunch of other people. It was amazing to watch the crowd. They were immersed. Hands were held high. Voices were loud. I couldn't help crying. It was beautiful.
I don't remember there being a need for God from an age group like this before. (approximately 18-35yrs). Now more than even there needs to be a place that exists for them to fellowship/hang out.--HINT HINT--not so subtle.
It is so encouraging to find others who are devoted to growing in a relationship with Christ-I hate the word 'religious', so I won't use it :)



the quest needs to exist. we need a place to gather.

A thought

Our lives are busy. We rush through our day. We wake up late and in a bad mood. We take a shower. We rush out the door forgetting to brush our teeth. We eat our breakfast in the car. We start our day in a rush and in a bad mood. It doesn't seem to end there though. We continue this hurried pace throughout the day. Even when we get home we rush for dinner. When we finally slow down and put our feet up, it's infront of the television.
Where is there time in there for God?

Desperation

I can't imagine the thoughts that must go through someone's mind when they ponder taking their own life.
There must be such desperation. A loss of all hope. A wild desire to escape. A sense of bitter loneliness.
This type of thought pattern must come from a dark, hopeless place. A place where ending your life is the only way out. A place where there is no light. There is no love. There is no second chance.

It makes me utterly sad that a person could think there is no hope. That they feel so alone. Its hard to conceive.

I want to scream, "there is a second chance, and a third, and a fourth, and a one hundredth! I am a perfect example of what God's loving mercy and grace is capable of. I will never be lonely because he is always there. I will never be hopeless because he gives hope. I will never be unloved because of his awesome love."
and in my frustration I will gently remind them that God loves them. He is always there for them. There isn't anything that he can't do. He has always loved them, he has always been by their side, even if they couldn't tell.

Its hard to say what happens to a person who commits suicide after death. I pray that somehow, in the midst of lying there the light shone through. I pray that God worked even when she couldn't breathe on her own. I pray that she heard the promises of God. I pray that she was able to call out to him in midst of her last hour.

Dog tired.

I am tired. My feet are tired. My brain is tired. My eyes are tired.

School starts, and I become a zombie once again. I can't get enough sleep. I can't work through the entire day without wanting to curl up on the floor.

I am even too tired to write an entry.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Serve to be served?

I was awkwardly reminded a week ago of a talk I gave at the Quest many moons ago...

It was move day. We had our new house. It was painted fun shades of guacamole and dune. The carpet was vacuumed. Our dark appliances had just been dropped off.
I was stressed. I was angry. I was vicious.
How could they? How could people I served not want to serve me back? That's what serving is isn't it? I scratch your back and you scratch mine?
"Well" said the voice in my head "Not really. Remember your talk on serving? You said that we did it out of love. That we shouldn't serve with expectations of repayment".
Okay, I remember. But that can't be applied in this situation, can it? We-Greg more than me--helped a countless number of our friends move. Why are they all bailing out on us?
Nothing seemed to be going right. We couldn't find the keys for the van. We had no help. I was irate. Screaming at my brother only eased my burning stomach temporarily.

The voice was right. I felt like poop. I was mean and demanding and expected people to serve us back. That isn't the purpose of serving. The only motivation we should bring into serving others is love. I don't think Jesus expects us to repay him for his ultimate sacrifice. How could we? What could we do to repay a debt that large. No amount of money could finance that. I was wrong, I admit it. My motivation at the time I was serving wasn't that someday they would have to help us move too. It was simply helping a friend. But now, in crunch time I recall the service and expect payment. Wow, that's low. I suck sometimes.

School's In

Well, here I am again. Back at my desk, typing on my computer. Teaching summer school has been fun, it has given me something to do to keep my mind off the house.
Speaking of-we close on it tomorrow afternoon and when we sign our life away, we get the keys!! I am so excited that the days cannot go by quick enough.
I apologize that the only thing I blog about is the house. I am so excited that I can't think of anything else.
I hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully I will think of something different to write about next time.

Dog Days of Summer

I like the summer, but I hate the heat. I could live with mid-seventies the entire summer. It has been so hot lately, that I am afraid what August and even September will be like. The heat makes it difficult for my students, and myself, to function in the classroom.
The free and lazy days of summer are sure whittling down. Next week, I start teaching summer school, for two weeks. Then have another week of break, then back to the confines of school walls. I am looking forward to it, however.
Lately, Greg and I are working on buying a house. We have a house, made a bid on it, the bid was accepted, had it inspected, the inspecation went well, and we are just waiting on the mortgage company. We were pre-apporved, so I am hoping the ball will start rolling, and quickly! We have so man plans that it would be great to be able to get in there before I start teaching again. Its funny how exciting and stressful the whole process can be. Our closing deadline is August 19th, so that is the latest possible date we will get in. It seems like it cannot come quick enough, but then out of know where it will be here.
Life is so odd sometimes.
I hope everyone is having a great summer as well. I will be posting more in the fall, hopefully. God Bless!

Free!!

Now that summer break is here, and I am no longer handcuffed to a computer, I am taking advantage of my free time. I am stil around, but not on the cpu as much. I think I have not even typed on a keyboard in two weeks. It is refreshing to have time off--definately a perk of the job :)
Thanks for caring everoyne :)
Greg and I have been starting to seriously house hunt. I forgot how stressful it can be. There are so many things to consider--especially future family plans. It is such a big commitment to. It makes me sick to think about it. We looked at three houses this weekend and drove by countless others. How do you know if God wants you in a certain house or not. Does he even care where you live?
It just seems like a house is a speck on God's plan for your life. you can impact the people around anywhere you live. So, does the house really matter?
Everyone says pray about it, pray about it...ok. What am I waiting for. An open door? What if the door opens and its not the right one.
AHHH! we just started this, and already I am stressed out.

Another Chapter

I can't believe it's the end of the school year. I have taught here for six months and I have formed a undeniable bond with my students. Many are moving on next year to middle school, and they will be greatly missed. Next school year holds many challenges.
I just keep thinking how I wanted the year to be over, and now its here. I keep wishing away the days. I keep looking forward to the end of the year, to my birthday, to our summer trip, it comes and then it goes. After it has gone I look back and I wonder, where has it all gone? I failed to stop and breathe in the ocean air. I failed to stop and take in my surroundings in my first classroom. I failed to stop.
I can't appreciate today when all I think about is tomorrow. God help me to pause and experience today without thinking about tomorrow. Help me to take the time to realize that this exact moment will never happen again. Lord, I want to slow down because before I know it I will be a grandma.
I am glad I am young. I will savor every moment of my young marriage. I will rejoice for what God has blessed me with today. I will take opportunities to reflect the love of God, now, not tomorrow.
Lastly--away from the subject of wasting time--I pray that these young people some how experienced God through me. I hope I was able to show them love, patience, and kindness while they were here. I pray they will continue to meet people who will reflect the love of God into their lives. I will dearly miss them.

God's Will?!

OK--letting off a little steam...
I was watching TV last night, and it was about a new, up-coming preacher and his church. His church brought it 38 million last year alone. They are using it to buy the AstroDome and make it into their new church. They draw 16 thousand four times a week!
Is it God's will that we use all this money to build huge churches and pay big salaries? Or is it His will that we use the millions and millions to reach people in far away countries to preach his name and to show love?
Personally I think Christianity isn't about numbers. It isn't about whether our church draws sixty-four thousand people a week. Are those people living out God's kingdom? Are they showing his love? If not, it isn't worth it. If its just about bringing in revenue to make a bigger building, I think Christ's teachings have been lost.
I was angry, I still kind of am. I hope they don't use all that money for a bigger building. I hope that the kingdom of God is being spread throughout the earth with it too.

An addict's confession

I have recently realized that I suffer from an addiction. This addiction invades my thoughts. It consumes my mind. It prevents me from focusing on anything else. It is strong, and I surrender to it.
My addiction influences my mood. I am happy when I get it. I am pissed when I don't. When I have to limit it, I crave it every waking second. It controls my life. Immediately after I get it, I am thinking about the next time I will get it.
It disgusts me that I feel prisoner to something so powerless. It disgusts me when I look at what I have become because of it. I blame it all on the object of my addiction, but it is my fault for letting it get this way. For letting it control me, instead of me being in control of it.
It has become my god. This addiction has become my god.

I pray that the only God will help me to replace this addiction to something so silly with an addiction to what is true, what is noble, and what is righteous. I want to fill my time with actions that show love. I want to live the kingdom now. I want to regain control over my obsession with food, and spend more time with God. I am moving in the right direction now. Thanks in part to my hubby who is regaining control with me.

Being Real

Peter gave a talk on Sunday that really made me think about myself. He talked about authenticity. About being real. About allowing others to see the real us.
How often do I let people really see me--who I really am. But than I ask myself, but who am I really?
He talked about people not drawing closer until they know who each other truly are. You cannot be friends with someone if all they feed you is BS. You can normally smell those people a mile away. You know the people I am referring to. The ones that always respond that everything is GREAT< JUST PEACHY< and TERRIFFIC! The ones that smaile even thought their best friend just passed away. The ones that smile even though they are being abused.
It is okay to be down. It is okay to have a crappy day. It is okay to be angry.
It is also okay to be happy and in love and excited.
I like to put on masks. Most of the time I am the smiley person who is bubbly and friendly inspite of anything. Unless you know me. I realize that I am pretty real with people I am close with. I speak it like it is, I say what comes to my mind first. Some people don't like that, but its me!
But he talked about things deeper than that. He talked about how we each have skeletons in our closets that we hide. And in the process of hiding them we cut ourselves off from others. We hide a big part of who we are.
I have a desire to grow closer to those in our small group. I think that this is something we should all look into. Who are we really? What are we afraid of? What are we hiding? What are our dreams? What dreams has God given us? If we are able to love each other inspite of all of this, we will become closer. A group of tight knit individuals with a strong bond to one another.
I want to have friends that know my deep dark secrets and love me anyway. I want to feel comfortable enough to be myself.

Praise Ya in the Mornin'...

Hey, ok, so I lied. I didn't have a chance to post yesterday afternoon, but at least I am getting to it today. No father, my hand didn't fall off. It is healing nicely, but the scar is still gruesome. Its not really ladylike or delicate...

I am in such a good mood today. I am not sure why, but all I know is that God is good!
I found out last Thursday that I am recalled to my position next year! I was doing well praising God for what I did have and not focusing on what was uncertain, and he poured on the blessing. It was so much better looking at it that way too. I wasn't wallowing in distress, I wasn't cursing God for taking my job away, I wasn't focusing on the future and what wasn't. I was living for today. Letting God know how much he meant to me TODAY. Letting God know how thankful I am for all my blessings TODAY.
What an awesome way to live. The burdens peel off and I feel lighter. I need to live each day like that. I need to focus on today and live like he is coming tonight. That's why we are not supposed to focus on the future. The future is uncertain. It is based on assumption that everything will remain the same. When I live thinking about the future, I get crabby. I get stressed. I lose my godly focus.
I pray that I am able to live for today. That I can praise God even if I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow.

Don't Fret

I am still here. I will attempt to post later this afternoon. Thanks for all caring whether or not I post, it feels good!

Crippled

This sucks! I was injured over the weekend, so now I have to type with one hand...It's kind of funny to me that we often see the best in people in the worst circumstances. For example, my husband, who has been nothing short of amazing since I have been hurt. I can experience his genuine love for me in the most tender touch and the most loving glance. He has helped me do all the things that normally I do independently, and he has not complained one bit. I can tell that he is worried but that he is strong too.
Like that, we can see the love of God in the smallest things. From a blooming flower, to a sunny day, to a strike of lightening, to the excitement that a new baby brings. God is in it all! He loved us so much that he created this beautiful earth for us. Thanks God!

YEAH It's Thursday!!

I am excited for a few reasons...
1. It's Thursday and that means tomorrow is Friday and then I get a nice two day weekend...
2. It's the end of a very tough day at school. I was thinking about writing about how bad kids these days are, but then I would just sound like those crabby elderly people.
3. I am the most excited because tonight we have the Quest. I don't know why I am always looking forward to it. I think its because I can be myself there. I can worship however I want. I can sing--or not--as loud as I want. I can experience God.
I look forward to the weekly encounters with God at the Quest. I get fed there. I worship best through music, and the music really is great there.
I know that I shouldn't just be looking to meet with God once a week, that I should be doing it daily. I try, but fail time after time. The Quest provides me with a time where I have to choose. I can choose to meet with God or I can choose not to. Sometimes its hard, whether its the difficult people fooling around next to you, or its the million of thoughts going through your head. But, when I can shut everything else out and envision million of people standing--or kneeling-- around the throne of God with their voices loud, their hands held high, singing praises to the creator, I want to be there.
I will choose to meet with God tonight. I need to experience his love and mercy. I need to be with others who also want the same thing.
God, just show up at the Quest tonight. Give us a word, inspire us to be better, to be more like your son.

Fair Weather Friend

At the Quest last night we sang, Blessed Be Your Name, and it really hit me. We sang about God's name being blessed when it is going crappy in our lives. I am not good at that. Instead of praising God through the tough times, I blame him. I need to turn that around and continue to praise him when things are rough.
I recently emailed my grandma and she had some inspiring words. She made me cry--which is pretty easy. She responded to what I wrote in my email about having a tough time trusting blindly. She responded that what I am trusting isn't blind. God knows everything, he sees everything, and he loves me in every situation. Additionally, she reminded me that I am not trusting in something/someone that I haven't encountered. There have been endless experiences that I have had with the One True God. He has answered prayers, moved me, comforted me, corrected me, and redirected me. What I am trusting in isn't an absent God. He is omni-present--present everywhere. Where I walk, he walks with me. How encouraging to know that in times of need and desperation.
I want to live my life according to the song I belted out on Thursday. I want to sing God's praises and tell the world of his love even when I am down in the dumps. He deserves at least that.

"Every blessing you pour out, I'll turn to back praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say:
"Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be your glorious name!

Change is a Coming

I hate change.
I like when things are the same, or similar for long periods of time. I also hate change even more if the result is uncertain.
Right now, I have five fifth graders in my classroom, and next year they will all be going on to middle school. That means that next year, if I am back here, I will have very young students.
I don't mind that I will have students who are kindergarten age to second grade, but that means change. I will miss my departing fifth graders. All of their personalities are so unique and they all can be a blast.
I took one to the middle school to give the new lunch routine and it just reminded me of school--back in the day.
Life has changed so much, some good and some bad. I sometimes miss the carefree days of not working for a living and just hanging out with friends.
The upcoming prospect of change has me scared, but most of all I am sad. I have really come to love the children that I work with. If I am not back here, I will miss them so much. I pray that I can come back, but if not I will forever be impacted by everyone of them.

A Lighter Note

Here is a little lighter post. Something to make you laugh, it fun to do too!!

Jennifer Lynn DeGlopper's Aliases

Your movie star name: Cookies Victor

Your fashion designer name is Jennifer Venice

Your socialite name is Racoon Las Vegas

Your fly girl / guy name is J DeG

Your detective name is Frog Northern

Your barfly name is Crackers White Russian

Your soap opera name is Lynn Milton

Your rock star name is Chocolate Train

Your star wars name is Jenalp DeGgre

Your punk rock band name is The Tired Mug

The Amazing Meganame Generator

A little lighter note

Here is a little something to lighten the mood from my last dark post.
Laugh a little, these are some fun names.

Jennifer Lynn DeGlopper's Aliases

Your movie star name: Cookies Victor

Your fashion designer name is Jennifer Venice

Your socialite name is Racoon Las Vegas

Your fly girl / guy name is J DeG

Your detective name is Frog Northern

Your barfly name is Crackers White Russian

Your soap opera name is Lynn Milton

Your rock star name is Chocolate Train

Your star wars name is Jenalp DeGgre

Your punk rock band name is The Tired Mug

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Another Jolt--Warning its long!

OK--I have cooled down a little since I have found out some disturbing news, but it isn't any less threatening or disheartening or any of that...My personalities haven't agreed on how to side on this one, so this is less of a post than it is a reasoning to myself.
I find it HORRIBLE that just when I think I am getting settled I get jolted again. Just when the idea of getting a house is a reality and the picture of a family starts to look exciting, something has to change. Something has to change the focus and say "you won't ever get a house, and kids! Ha! Forget it!"
I was slapped in the face yesterday with the reality of the poor status of our city, and state, and federal budget, when I was told that I would be getting a pink slip. Because of budget shortages they had to give me, who happens to be the lowest on the totem pole and three others a pink slip--notice of layoff for next year.
My heart dropped, I felt tears welling. They have went through three teachers in this room, and I am the fourth. I felt at home here. It is not easy, but I love it. I was planning on coming back and coming back and coming back year after year. But now, that isn't so certain. I might not ever be back after June fifteenth. I am upset. My first professional step towards a career and they can't keep me--that is how I saw it.
I was not only sad, I was pissed. I want a house. I want children. I want to be a mother and to see Greg be a father. I wanted all these things and because money depends on the first one and a family on the second and they are interdependent, this pink slip thing screws up my future. It screw
up our future. How much more of the old annoying landlord can we take?

Now for my other personalities thoughts: When it happened I knew right away it was God trying to get my attention. I didn't seem to need him anymore after I got the job in the first place. I prayed and studied constantly when I was in desperate need of a job, and he provided, then I cut all ties. I got comfortable. I took his blessings for granted, so he is threatening to take them away.
This is God's way to tap me on my shoulder and get my attention again. He wants me to be putting my trust in him, to be depending on him, not a job.

I know this, but my logical side won't accept it. I keep thinking, but are we supposed to buy a house and pray the money comes in every month? I don't think so.

I am so confused, angry, upset, and sad right now. Help me understand God, help me know what the right path is. Help me be at peace.

Down and Out

I feel really unpoetic and uninspired.
I have been sick lately and that saps all the energy I have. I think that I will continue to be sick until I am three or four years into teaching, or until my kids cover their mouths when they cough or sneeze.
I don't know exactly what I have. I feel kind of like I have the flu, kind of like my stomach rejects everything I eat. I can't eat without feeling like I am going to throw up. But thank God, I haven't thrown up. I hate that! I try and avoid that as much as I can...
I am very thankful, however, that the weather has been so beautiful. It has been sunny and warm and comfortable. I love this time of year, when its finally getting nice out.
I am also thankful for my job. I am thankful that I can wear comfy clothes and sandals. I am thankful that I found a job so quickly and one that is so rewarding. I love the kids that I work with, they really make me realize that life is really how we deal with it. They all have disabilities and they are so happy and carefree. They could teach us all a lesson.
I am most thankful for God. He is amazing, he blesses us with things beyond our imagination. Even in times of sickness and uncertainty, he is awesome. Thanks to the King of Kings!!

A Welcome Break?

Well, I am finally back to my regular schedule. I had spring break for about ten days, and went without a working computer and internet connection. Honestly, I wasted away my break. I sat on the couch every weekday, watched TV, played video games, and snacked. I probably gained at least five pound because I ate horribly and did nothing physical.
In a way its what I needed, but in another way I feel like I wasted a perfectly good week.
I didn't use the time to draw closer to God. I didn't use my time studying the bible. I didn't use my time to do much of anything creative, other than a few scrapbook pages.
I am a bum!!!
I am almost excited to be back at school. It gets me up in the morning and I normally keep right on going until at least 9 or 10 at night. I think about God much more, and I communicate more with Him. Why did I really need to call out to him while I was sitting on the couch watching game shows and TLC?
One time, I think, I prayed hard for something to be fixed in my life. I just haven't been me lately and it is really taking its toll on my hubby. I was desperate. I didn't understand what was going on. God reached out to me and helped me. I have to make an effort on my part to change to, and he helps me do that.
God reached out to me in the midst of my laziness. He answered my prayer even though I didn't make much of an effort in our relationship the entire week. Man, I am a lucky person to know such a loving God.

I didn't know another way

Hey Y'all, I didn't know another way to do this, because I am now on spring break and cannot access my school email. Rather, I don't know how. So this is for all the peeps who attend our group.
The topic of our next bible study is Study...
Here are the verses, there are a lot, which is better because it is three weeks away :)
Proverbs 1:1-9; 23:12, 23
James 1:5
Hebrews 4:11-13
2 Timothy 3:16-17
Philippians 4:8-9
Colossians 3:1-17
Luke 10:38-42
Ezra 7:10
James 1:19-25
Acts 17:1-3, 17:10-12, 19:8-10
Proverbs 24:30-34

And please don't only look into the verses that I provide, seek other sources too...See ya'll on the 9th at 7pm!!

Unwelcome Revelations

Sometimes I just don't like finding stuff out about myself. Sometime they are things that people have told me, like my husband, but I don't like the moment when I realize that it is true.
I wouldn't mind finding out that I was nice and friendly and that everyone looked up to me. I hate realizing the negative.
I don't know if I am ready to spill the beans about what I am finding out about myself. Maybe you already know, but I would like to keep it to myself until I find out how to change.
I want to give a 'shout out' apology to anyone that I have ever hurt, or made mad, or was rude to. Sometimes I am mean and unapologetic about the way I am....
Oh, I don't like this, I don't like this at all.

Sweeter Than Honey

I am an admitted sweet addict. I can be found downing anything with sugar throughout the ENTIRE day, and that is no exaggeration. I love cookies, anything with chocolate, donuts, flavored coffee, and anything else with a million calories.
I have been reading for the last couple weeks about fasting. I didn't really know the purpose. It seemed that most people did it (in bible times) when they were praying for something huge or waiting for an answer (Ester and the rest of the Jews fasted before she went to the king, a risky step). So my thoughts were that it was just to be used "in case of emergency", but the verses that I read this morning told me otherwise. The book of Isaiah cited many reasons for fasting.
As I was reading this morning I realized that fasting is a way to show God your obedience. You give up a huge part of the day, eating. At the Quest, they suggested to start small. So I am giving it a go. No sweets for today! Every time I am confronted by the temptation, and I already have been today, I remind myself that God is sweeter than______. This morning already I already was confronted by big, yummy donuts. I reminded myself of how great God is and walked right past as people tried to get me to eat them.
I am not writing to boast, but more to be kept accountable. If I don't tell anyone, it really wouldn't matter if I messed up. God would notice, but no one else would know. I know that sounds horrible, but it is how I would think, I just know it.
So, next time you write, ask me how I am doing. I am attempting to give God the part of my day that I spend eating and thinking about sugared foods. To him, be all the glory!!

Beautiful

I find it pretty pitiful that I get excited when I am driving by a group of guys who are walking and when I pass they all turn around to keep looking at me. I think, "that must mean that I am something special, right? That must mean that I am at least somewhat pretty". I am so insecure about my looks that I take things like this, that should be offensive, and turn them around so it is a positive.
I live to be beautiful...I have been trying my whole life to impress the 'world'. I wake up thinking, what outfit will make me look the best? How should I do my hair, so it is cute enough? I am absolutely obsessed with being the worlds view of beautiful. I stress about not being skinny enough. I think that I need beautiful blue eyes instead of brown. And I could go on forever.
I am not writing this to get everyone to write that I am pretty and cute or whatever. I am writing this because I am slowly opeing up to a new revelation in my life that was brought on by a song. It is called 'Beautiful' by Bethany Dillion. The chorus goes:
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful
As I listen to this song, I realize that I was singing it to the wrong people. I have been singing this to my husband, to my friends, and to the remainder of the world.
I have been realizing that I need to change my audience. I need to sing this to God. As I started pouring my heart out into this song and singing it to the right person, the creator, he laid it on my heart, that I am. I am all of this. Jesus paved the way for me and because of his blood, I am beautiful, I am worthy. The final part of the song goes like this, and I sing it the loudest!!
You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart
And I am amazed
I love to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
And beautiful
God is so awesome, to think everything that he does for me even though I am ungrateful. I am so blessed that Jesus has made me worthy and beautiful. Whatever the world thinks doesn't compare to what he thinks. Thank you Lord for being so great and loving!!!

It's gonna be a bright, sunshiny day

If you can't tell, I think I am in a better mood today :) It seems like my life is very similar to a roller coaster, and I have periods that are at the bottom of the hill, and others that are on the top, and then still others that are approaching the top...
I woke up with a better feeling today. I had been slightly depressed, but I feel good today. I realized that even though it is a crappy, gloomy, gray day, that I can still praise God because he has done so many amazing things in my life.
My bible study group talked about Praying on Saturday and we decided to keep each other accountable about spending time with God in prayer. I find that in keeping others accountable, that I too keep myself in check. I love that group and the amazing dynamics that we have. Everyone is so unique, but everyone has a passion for God.
I want to send a 'shout out' to everyone who has kept me in their prayers while I was feeling blue. I am back, and I am excited for what God has in store. Thanks again!!

Tongue Tied

I really don't have much to say, but I haven't written in quite some time...
I am at the point where there is so much floating around in my head that I can't really put together a rational thought. My days are consumed with stress and the one thing that I find I look forward to is sleep. The problem with that, however, is that I just wake back up to it in the morning.
My relationship with God right now has taken a back seat to everything else, I am sorry to say.
You know something is out of the ordinary when I can't find words to write....