On My Own

Well, Greg has been gone for six days now. He will still be gone for four more days. For the first time in my life, I am on my own. Think about it...I moved out when I was 21, but I was married. Greg and I have lived in a couple of different places together, but I have never lived alone.

At first I was devastated. It was hard saying goodbye. However, then I was excited because I could have fun and not have to worry about getting home. Then I was lonely. I realized how much I took Greg being at home for granted. He is someone to talk to about little, silly things. He is someone to just cuddle with and not have to say anything at all. He is someone who is my rock and strength when I need uplifting. He is someone who cheers me up when I am down. He is someone who makes me laugh. All these little things, I missed immediately, and still do.

I am excited he took the opportunity to go to Mexico. I am excited he is thrilled to be there, and that he is an example of God's love to others. I am excited he is following God's command, love the least of these.

However, I miss him. I talk to him every night with mixed emotions. Wanting him home. Wanting him to have a great time there. Wanting him to experience God. Either way, I am counting the days to when he gets home.

Bread Crumbs

This book I am reading, God Chasers, is amazing. I was so pumped up by just reading the introduction.

I have learned that I am not alone. I am not the only one in the world who feels empty even after going to church. I am not the only one who feels like the church is not doing what it supposed to be doing. I am not the only one who wants more.

These people, says T.Tenny, are called God chasers. God chasers don't want to know more about God, they just want to know God more. The bible is a nice image of where God was, but we want to know where God is now. We want to see what he is doing in our time.

The latest chapter that I have read dealt with being satisfied with 'bread crumbs', or little bits of God's presence. Largely, the church has become satisfied with how God has worked in the past or the little ways He is working instead of seeking more of His presence. More of His face.

I find myself compelled to know how to do this. How do I seek Him, how do I find more of Him, how do I catch Him? Right now, the only answer that has been revealed is repentance. Additionally, the author said we can't really catch God, but we can capture His heart. If we are motivated into action by trying to seek God's heart we are motivated for the right reasons. Does what I do capture His heart? Not currently.

The author challenges the reader to stop living the life they are living. To watch different TV shows and to read different books, and to spend more time with God than both of the other things combined. I tried. I was more conscious of what I watched this weekend and how I talked. I spent time in this book and in the word instead of playing my new video game. My motivation? I want to capture the heart of God! What a thought!

An Escape Route

I heard a song the other night that I really hadn't paid attention to in the past. It was blaring from a WOW CD in my car. I couldn't help but wonder what it meant... The singer was begging, in the song's chorus, for God to be his escape.

I wondered if that is how it should be. I know that God can and has rescued us, but is that how our relationship should be? A rescuer and a victim? I don't think so.

I guess when I heard that song, I felt more like if your relationship was like that, then God was almost like your back-up plan. Just like how robbers have a plan A and if that doesn't go right, then they will fall back on their plan B. I know that is not how God wants our relationship to be with him. I know that he doesn't want us to just walk through life alone, and then when we get 'ran over' call out for him.

I am humbled to say, though, that is the way my relationship seems to be most of the time. When things are coming up daisies, God is further from my mind than when I am stuck in the mud.

I am learned enough to know that God wants a relationship despite the state of our lives on earth. We need to draw closer even when we aren't suffering. Praise him when things are amazing and when things are awful. I am speaking to myself more than anyone.

Reading for the Soul

This weekend my hubby and I rearranged our spare room too add a piece of furniture, a bookshelf, and take another out to use in the basement. We came across a lot of things that we either needed to toss or that needed to be returned to their original owners-oops!
I found a book that I am going to start reading. It was my dad's that I am sure he loaned out to me forever ago. It is called God Chasers. I am excited to read it because that is what I am not doing right now. I am walking on other paths trying to avoid him for the time being. I realize I should be running after him, but I am running away.
I am hoping this book will be inspiring and speak to my heart. I normally only read fiction books. However, I realize the need to read something that will help me out, not only allow me to escape. Ask me how the reading is going. Hopefully I will start soon.