The Face in the Mirror

It's hard sometimes to look at yourself and know truly who you are.

I have difficulty being true to myself in many situations. A few people really know who I am, however, many do not. Sometimes I don't even know who I am.

For some people I can put on the personality of a submissive, quiet, introverted person. For others my personality is loud, obnoxious, and somewhat offensive. For still others I am wounded, insecure, and fragile. In my mirror I see a girl who is a mix of all of these. I am loud and somewhat obnoxious. I am insecure and sometimes introverted. I am a wild, odd mix of all of these.

I have a hard time not changing who I am when I am with different groups of people. I get so disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I can't reveal the real me. That I am so insecure about people liking the real me.

In the same breath, however, I ask myself, "who are you really?" It's hard to show people the real me if I don't even know.

In my life, right now I feel like I am wandering. I am aimlessly pacing in between God and the world. I am ashamed to admit, but I don't know if I care enough to jump head first into a relationship with the Creator. How awful that must sound.

I wish I could just be a headstrong follower of Christ who doesn't change. Who isn't ashamed. Who is steadfast and consistent with her beliefs and practices no matter whose presence she is in.

I wish I could climb out of this hole I have dug myself into. I wish I felt something, either hate or love, towards this God of mine. I wish I cold run back and pledge my love again, but I can't because I know I will just run away again.

So I am here. A not-so committed, unsure, and lost person wishing I had enough guts to follow Christ the way I know I should.

Welcome the Newest DeGlopper

I am not a cat person. Lately, though, I have been asking for anything. A cat. A dog. A baby. It was always no. Nothing. Just Greg and I. Until...
Greg called me Friday around three while I was at school. He said, "I know this is probably a stupid question, but do you want a cat?"
The back story- Someone from Greg's work needed to get rid of their cat. He wasn't getting along with their other cat, and they wanted to get a dog in the summer. He is neutered, declawed, and trained. He is already named Tigger, and knows it too well for us to change it. The best part: they were going to give him to us for free.
I was so excited! I had a million questions. I wanted to see him first. We went to see him that night. He immediately came up to us and wanted his belly rubbed-odd for a cat.
So I was in love. I had to have him. We went out, bought all his things, and brought him home that night.
He adjusted well. He is very cuddly and loves attention.
The thing is, though, it is like we now have a kid in the house. We have to watch to make sure he isn't getting into my plants-again. Greg takes care of the discipline, and I am more the care-giver. I give him his food and water and special treats. Honestly, this cat has taken away the urgency I felt to have a baby. I know babies aren't this easy, but it is a way for us to care for something else and have a responsibility for something else together. It is funny to hear Greg talk to the cat and refer to me as Mommy. I like it.
I also like the welcome home meows and the purring wake-up calls. It is fun to have something else in the house to share our love with. Tigger is making me a cat person!

The Big Picture

Well, it is finished! The picture is of our finished kitchen. It took a full week, six different kinds of paint, many man hours, and some tears. I love the new look and the new feel when I walk into my redecorated kitchen. I think that we managed to take the shock factor away from our bright orange counter tops (you might not agree :)
Throughout the process of redecorating, however, there were many times I wasn't sure I liked what I saw. At one point, I had even told Greg that I hated it. I did, at that moment. I hated the orange. I hated the yellow. I hated the white moldings. I hated how it all went together.
I feel in life, we are sometimes like that. We are quick to judge, many different things and/or events, just from a few pieces of the puzzle. If my life is going smoothly I will say "I love my life", but if my life has taken a turn onto some hard times I shout "I hate my life".
I wonder if God, even though he knows the end result, I wonder if he throws up his hands in frustration. He knows the end, but I am sure that at times, numerous times for me, he is angry, sad, and jealous.
I think, for me especially, that I need to look more toward the future. That I need to stop making snap judgments and wallowing in the present. For example when I was crying about how much I hated the kitchen a few days into the painting. I also am known to cry for other reasons when I am wallowing in self-pity.
I know I wasn't promised an easy life on earth. I also know that this isn't all there is for me. There is a perfect life planned for me in heaven. For all eternity.
Just like I love the end result of my kitchen, even though the process wasn't easy; I will be joyous in heaven, even though life on earth is hard.

Spell it Out

I wish that God gave us a life instruction manual. Something that allowed us to understand better how to deal with this life that we have been dealt. Some problems we encounter are brought on by our choices, while others just seem to fall on our laps, unwanted.

I wish that there was something that said if this happened to you check page four for the answer. I know there is the bible. But when you read only when you are in pain, you often twist the meaning to accommodate your problems.

We live complex lives in a mean, competitive world. The answers are never easy. The problems I encounter are never the exact replica of your problems. An answer to my problem may not be the same solution for yours.

I know that some people reading this would say, " there is an answer, Jesus! HE is the answer to all our problems." Which is true. When there is sorrow, he offers joy. When there is death, he offers life. We can use his example to get us though life. We can call on his name in both good times and bad. He is a source of comfort and peace. However, I am one of those people who likes things spelled out for me. The bible needs a section that says if your husband is unfaithful these are the steps to follow if you want to reconcile, or follow these steps to get a divorce. Or it needs a section for how to repair damaged relationships. If your relationship is failing do this to repair it. That would be much easier.

This seems like a season for broken relationships. Not mine, but of many people around me. It makes me sad. People who you have looked up to as a great example of love and faithfulness are getting divorced. People who thought they were secure in love, feel cheated and lost because of love.

My prayer is that you take the time to mend relationships that have been hurt. Look to Jesus as an example of unconditional love.

I love when it is sunny. The hint of a morning sun instantly picks up my spirits. After a couple weeks of gloominess, the sun is a welcome interruption.
There are so many things out there that we allow to affect our moods. The weather. Friends. Work. Health. Amount of sleep. Circumstances. What we ate last night. We allow outside things to influence our internal feelings. We allow these things to make us mad. To make us sad. Or to depress us. Its so easy.
It is also easier for us to say "the sun didn't come out today, so I am sad. It is gloomy outside, so I feel depressed." It is so much more difficult to conquer the feelings that outside sources might suggest to us. It is much more difficult to overcome those ideas and actually decide to smile or to feel joy.
So often we allow ourselves to be influenced by these unimportant issues that we forget who should be the biggest influence in our lives. He is just kind of on the sideline as we go through our depressed state. We forget to look toward him to give us the joy that is for whatever reason missing from our lives at that moment.
However funny it sounds, though, the sunshine reminds me to praise him. To live love. To be thankful.
As I drove the six minutes to school this morning, the sun was just starting to rise. It made me smile. I popped in my old Matt Redman- Facedown- CD and sang the whole way to school. What a great way to start off my day. It put me into the right attitude.
The sun doesn't shine all the time in Michigan, though. I need to let God be the 'sunshine' in my life. I need to wake up praising him even when it is cloudy. Or when I am having problems at work. Or when I ate a banana split last night. Or when my hubby is crabby with me. I need to stop allowing these outside, less important issues cloud my relationship with God. I have a long way to go.

Traditions

I am normally one who shies away from traditions. Especially ones that are found in the church. However, there are some great things about traditions that I have recently encountered. Traditions are there to pass things along from one generation to another. We are able to experience what past generations did through following their traditions.

I think that was the best thing about this break. Traditions. Following old ones and making new ones.

My favorite old tradition occurs on Christmas Eve. (dad, how long has this been going on?) I think I have been at Nana and Popa's for all 24 years of my life, at least. We go to my dad's family late on Christmas Eve. We eat appetizers, drink wine, and talk. We exchange gifts. We talk more. I love it. We stay late into the night-well, really, we stay early into Christmas morning-spending quality time with our family. Family that we really don't see that often throughout the year.

My favorite new tradition, that is only in its third year, is going to my parents on Christmas morning. We go, still in our jammies, exchange gifts, and eat breakfast. It is always a big event for my dad, who is a good cook. He went above and beyond this year by making stuffed French toast topped with blueberries, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, grapefruit, and mimosas--mom helped too; she would be mad if I left her efforts unnoticed. It is great to spend that time with my parents and brothers. It is always a fun thing to do. This year we even had enough time to stay and watch some of Matt's Family Guy season 1, and take a nap.

This break was refreshing. I would be lying, however, if I said that I wasn't looking forward to returning to work. I was excited to see how my students' vacations went. I really enjoyed spending a lot of time with my hubby. Thank God, however, that we both had job to return to, because if we were home together every minute of each day all the time, we would definitely kill each other. Too much of a good thing is just that, TOO much!